Note to self:

A million reasons.

2011-11-30T08:22:00.000-08:00

I could give you a million reasons.

I could tell you forever why.

I could number them like the stars.

I could argue it a thousand of ways.

I have every reason in the world.

I have every right in a just life.

But that's just the thing. This life isn't just.
This world is swirling forever into a black hole.
I see it more and more everyday.
When children are raped, robbed, and murdered.
When good men die for bad man's freedom
When chaos ensues.
When the serpent enters the garden and mankind shatters.
When men want to be God.

And that exactly where I live.

and I have two options.
Get bitter or get better.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."

Note to self: Having a border collie is like having a child.

2011-08-08T16:37:00.001-07:00

I love my dog. I love her so much. I find myself saying to her, "What would daddy and I do without you." Then I answer that question with, "Not have to get up at all hours of the night to take you out to the bathroom, or come home to the smell of poo, or schedule our whole day around your exercise, even though when we take her to the park she just sits down out of exhaustion." But I really do love her.

She brightens my day.

Today I took her out and was sitting on the front porch. I noticed that it was raining a bit, but she didn't until she went off the porch only to look at me with a squinty face that said "Mommy, what is hitting me in the face?" She hopped back up on the porch and sat. She and I both noticed a man in a big tractor sitting across the road in an empty lot. I supposed the man had stopped mowing because of the rain and was waiting til it passed or something. But Storm seemed to think he was up to no good. So she went out into the yard and sat and stared at him until he eventually left. I kept laughing the whole time because I supposed the man was pretty uncomfortable because he felt like someone was staring at him.

This brightened my day and so does something else silly that she does everyday.

In many moments I feel like I didn't really want a dog. Like those days where I just feel like sleeping in and Storms bowels decide to act up. Or those days when I just want to relax and Storm just cries all day because she wants attention. These days make me rethink if I really want to have kids someday. Because I know the challenge would be much more severe. I've watched several friends with babies and young children become frazzled mom's with a long "To Do" list.

But I think it's moments like today that make life so special. You can't ever have good memories if you disclude people from your life because of selfish reasons. You also can't influence anybody.

I think about my life in the long term and I say having kids would mean I would have to spend lots of money on them and practically have no savings and work all the time. It could possibly effect my marriage and my own sanity. But I will smile because the people around me make my life better. I will love them and they me. My kids would grow up playing with my friends kids and calling our friends aunt and uncle. And we will all have wonderful memories. I would get to experience the joy of teaching them and growing them up in the Lord.

If I didn't have children I would probably have significantly more money. I might not even have to have a job. I would spend significantly more time on myself and my marriage. And would probably grow away from my friends because most of them would have kids and spend more time with other friends who had kids. I would not have to worry about my sanity and I could sleep in everyday and spend my afternoons reading books and drinking coffee. But I wouldn't know how to be selfless. And I wouldn't know how to prioritize. I would have a siginificantly smaller impact on the world, but I would feel relaxed.

Honestly, I don't know what the right choice is. I feel like having kinds would take away from my time with God, but I haven't been doing real great with that anyway. I feel like having kids would make me learn many things about God and being a better Christ follower. But I might also become really busy and lose any glimmer of a great relationship with my Father in heaven.

So here I am just wondering, what are your thoughts?

note to self: it's way too hot in the summer to not enjoy the fall.

2011-07-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

I can't wait for the fall. I just remember being happier then. It was cooler and John and I did all kinds of stuff together. Now it seems like all we do is work work work, and then stress out about stuff. I don't know why I'm blaming this on the heat outside. It has nothing to do with that and everything to do with me creating unnecessary stress cause I feel like I need to have my life all in order and there is no room for error.

Man I just need to relax and enjoy life because it goes
by so quickly. I also find that the more I relax, the more
I love God and make time for him. I find that when I relax
I love people more and I have more fun.

"Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Nothing in life is perfect, except God. So I need to stop
trying to make it be. Now that's not to say I'm going to let
everything fall apart. No Jesus calls us to be good stewards.
but I'm going to loosen my grasp. I need to stop making my
life all about controlling it. Cause only HE has control.
And Jesus says, "Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will preserve it."

I think I need to take a lesson on losing my life, cause right now I have way too tight of a grasp on it.

Note to Self: This is a raging war.

2011-07-06T09:18:00.001-07:00

When I see a horizon as beautiful as this, it stops me in my tracks and I stare.

Everything inside me flying around and stressing me out subsides.

All the dust settles

and my soul rests.

Peace.

This peace within me is easy to acquire, but ironically rare.

I am so caught up in my everyday attire, that I don't know what to wear.

It's funny, really, how quickly I lose focus.

All I have to do is focus.

My job, my school, my bills, my vacation is even stressful for goodness sake.

everyday these things suck me in and paste me to the side of some wall and take me for a spin

like one of those rides at a carnival that twists and twirls

And the gravity makes you unable to move.

And when your done, you don't know what's just gone on.

What just happened?

Now you're lost.

What were you even doing here in the first place?

Where do you belong?

Then-

with a awareness that is something like alert and oriented times zero-

you fight.

push your insecurities to the side, cause what's about to happen is a bit more important.

You fight to be back where you belong, back in the arms of your God.

And with your forearms in front of you to fight the debris,

you crawl through raging fire and fleas

Filth and flame consume your being-

but the spirit of the Lord will not falter in you

and your eyes are dead set on the altar

and you will get back to that place.

Home.

With the determination of a Lion

you find the strength to get there.

And when you arrive the trumpets will sound

And you feet will be firmly planted on the soft, cool ground.

And for a moment, you are free.

You and the father are one and you can see

your life with clarity.

and the beauty of this moment is unattainable.

Your joy at this time is unsustainable.

And you soul is at peace.

You smile and sit back.

close your eyes to rest.

Then-

out of the corner of your eye you see...

a fluttering light and you think it might be...

inside you are taken with curiosity...

Then you wind up on that same spinning ride.

The devil had seduced you with his grinning eye.

And though you feel weak and weary,

The Spirit of the Lord in you will not retreat.

Then you see a beautiful sunset in an imperfect world-

and you see the beauty of the Father in that fading light

and you know the Glory of God is worth the fight.

"The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy;
I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."
-John 10:10

Note to self: people don't throw away your cards when you make them on Shutterfly!

2011-07-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

I made this card for my dad cause his birthday in coming up. I made one for my sister too. Their birthdays are the 18th and 19th of July and my Mom's is the 17th. How crazy is that!

Anyway I know they'll love them! And I'm getting $10 off my next order for posting this! :]

Note to self: take pictures of everything, keep your memories.

2011-06-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

I am very grateful for technology and the ability to have visual tangible ways to remember things that make me smile.

You know, perhaps I should think of something simple like that every day that I am grateful for. After all, I am extremely blessed and I need to show some extreme gratitude to my Father in Heaven for those blessings.

He is truly a great God.

It is easy to say that now because I am so blessed. I think that I fall away from that thinking when things aren't going so great. But I need to realize that God doesn't show his goodness in his blessings, he shows his goodness in everything. His whole being is good. God can't help but show his goodness all the time.

Note to Self: Never Stop Blogging.

2011-06-22T19:33:00.001-07:00

Life is like going to a party. Eventually you wake up and realize, you're not where you hoped you would be.

Rush.
Worry.
Regret.

These are things I feel lately.
I have lost sight a bit of what life is really about.
It's easy I suppose to get lost in things that you can see. It's easy to get lost in money and grades and people and jobs.

The things I loved I have taken for granted. My love for music, writing, pictures, people and even God has suffered. I guess I never really knew how to deal with all the changes in my life, so I just did what I was supposed to do. Try to control it.

The reality is that you can't control anything in you life. You can't control the economy, the weather, your friends or your family.

I need to remember that the only person in control is God.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you."
-Isaiah 54:10

2010-03-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm glad i am not a tree, which is rooted and forced to stay in the exact same place it's entire life, which is significantly longer than ours. In some ways I am like a tree. The fact that I am one, unique from the billions of my kind. The fact that I am living and breathing. I even change colors in the different seasons :p but I am nonetheless a human and not a tree.

The reason that I'm glad that I'm not a tree is because it is forced to stay in a specific location it's whole life. It cannot ever move even if it wanted. Unless some human happened to pick it out of the trillions of other trees to cut down and probably chop into pieces and burn or turn into paper. Or a natural disaster could occur and uproot it or knock it over.

It almost seems like a better option to not move. Also a tree has to stay put and watch the world go by. Watch the river and the boats go by, and the cars drive by. Watch people live their lives and move around and have relationships. I think I would be dying of envy my whole life.

I'd rather me more like the water. That travels all over the place. It travels throughout several different bodies of water, through the air and the ground and even the plants. It travels through humans and runs down mountains. Seems like it has a pretty adventurous journey. And I don't know why that's so desirable, but it is.

In my life I feel I can't stay put. I can't do the same thing every day for too long or it just loses it's meaning and becomes something I hate. That may be for several different reasons, but it is what it is. So i don't want to be stuck in one place. I mean I'm astounded by the beauty of Roane county alone. I can't imagine what it might be like in the billions of other places that I've never been before.

I guess I'm sort of a romantic in the sense that i find beauty and restoration in nature. In all of God's creation for that matter. Especially nature though.

Anyway I was moved by nature today and I thank God for that because i was feeling pretty down. I've also been reading Ecclesiastes because of that thanks to JP and it's helping lots too.

I think I'm going to start blogging again. :p

Note to self: no one reads this. :p

2009-12-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

Stop this noise.

OR crank it up so loud so my speakers split and shatter

cause I need something to remove me from this place

this time we're living in now
it can't be at ease.

my first driving hunger is for peace with you.

Solitude when you surround my whole being within a universe that is so seperated from you.

and i don't know why but that solitude is less and less frequent for me

it's like i can't reach you anymore

you too high up and i'm shrinking.

There are too many layers of clouds between us

My soul and your being.

OH,

Come, Lord.
Come.

Note to Self: And surely he will be with me til the very end of the age.

2009-07-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

Jesus said, " If you love me, you will obey what I command."

Even though sometimes I wanna break

my teeth

I will.

Because my teeth are quite inferior to the love of the Father.

And even though sometimes I want to rip

off my fists,

I will

because my fists are immensely minuscule to love Chirst has for me.

For you are preparing a place for ME.
A place with the brightest lights I've ever seen
but I can look into it
and see that it is beautiful
and it will not pain my eyes

A place with smooth glass flowers
that grow above my head
and when I climb them
I can sit on top in the most comfort I've felt
and gaze upon your beauty

There I will be joyful.
There I will be glad.
There I will be content.

So I will seek the Lord every day because I have yet to find anything on this earth that I know is completely good except in my God. Praise be to him forever.

Note to Self: Forgive them for they know not what they doooooo

2009-07-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting at work (if you wanna call it that) listening to two coworkers argue about something stupid. The situation is pretty unrelated and would be pretty hard to explain so I will spare you the boring details and cut to the chase. One coworker was accusing the other of being a hypocrite. I'm almost positive it wasn't meant to be taken personally. Anyway the guy says, "You're just a big ole' hypocrite. You're just like a christian. Sheessh, christian." So I'm sitting here thinking wow... I'm pretty offended right now. Although the next thought that ran through my head was well, I guess he's right, you know. Cause that's like the number one thing people think of when they think of Christians. Cause most Christians go around telling other people that they're sinners and need to repent.

But then I got to thinking about it a bit more and came to asking myself why a lot of Christians come off that way. I mean they make it seem like once you repent you're all better and no longer one of those nasty sinners. When really, if you look in the bible it talks about how we're all sinners, no matter if we're saved or not. When we're saved we're no longer slaves to sin and we try not to sin to please God and grow closer to him. But by no means should we think we're better than others. Actually the bible says that we should be the exact opposite "Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up." It's like people read it and quote it to each other, but they don't actually get it. Like the Pharisees or something. And this always brings me back to, I don't think people take Christianity as seriously as it was meant to be taken. Myself included.

Then I thought well, that train of thought gets me nowhere besides being disappointed in people. Then I'm reminded that I do a lot of stuff without any regard to who I claim to be. So I guess that's what it all comes down to. Cause Christians will never be perfect but sometimes on occasion something beautiful happens and we forgive one another for our shortcomings and have open minds and we become transformed.

Lord, forgive us weary sinners.

2009-06-12T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hi. It's been awhile.
I just got done reading a book. It's called Go Ask Alice. Maybe you've heard of it. It's a journal of a girl, I believe it's set in the 70's. This book takes you on a journey through her addiction to drugs her worst hours and her best highs. It describes every recovery with gruesome detail and every downfall in complete truth.

I've never understood the attraction, with drugs, but now i understand a whole lot more. I think this book was good for me. It's weird how events in life line up. I feel almost like i have experienced her life and I think I needed that understanding.

One thing i noticed in the book is that every time she came home from an awful drug-led excursion, her parents accepted her and even celebrated her return with relieved, open, loving arms. It reminds me a lot of the parable of the lost son.

I think it's one of the most beautiful things in the world whenever people disregard their own pride and accept people even if they have been betrayed by them.

we let our pride get in the way of this mentality, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Those are the words of Our Savior.

Why not love each other despite our experiences along the way of this life.

I think that something we forget a lot, too is that we're all we've got. All we've got is one another. We all live through a lot of the same things and suffer through this life on this evil earth. If we don't look past our differences and encourage one another, we're bound to fail.

Note to self: The world is lost.

2009-02-23T20:57:00.000-08:00

I was lying in bed and I couldn't fall asleep as usual. So I pulled out the trusty Ipod and played a list that I had composed specifically for this type of situation. It's full on slow-paced Jon Foreman songs and I don't know how many times this one particular song has made me weep uncontrollably.

Anyways I'm going to post the lyrics here...

Somebody's Baby :
She yells

If you're homeless sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there or begging for junk

When people don't want you they just throw you money for beer

Her name is November she went by Autumn or Fall

It was seven long years since the Autumn

When all of her nightmares grew fingers

And all of her dreams grew tears

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still

She screams

Well if you've never gone it alone

Well then go ahead, you better throw the first stone

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees

She dreams about Heaven, remembering Hell

As the nightmare that she visits and knows all to well

Every now and again, when she's sober she brushes her teeth

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still

Today was her birthday, strangely enough

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police

They got her ID from her dental remains

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains

The birth and the death were both over

With no one to grieve

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still

So yeah it got me a little emotional. And I just started thinking about all the people that I love that are lost. Some I see almost every day and some I see maybe once a year, if that. I was thinking about how I have met several people that are just trying to get by to the next day with a bit of happiness. I so strongly feel for them cause I know what it's like when you don't know what to do about anything and you just don't want to think about it anymore. You just want to forget and move on. Trust me I know. I thought about their souls all looming about in a monstrous mob in this huge black abyss. Some of them were glowing blue and some orange like they were aflame. It was terrifying for whatever reason and I couldn't stop from just wailing out "WHY?!" in an angry, confused, compassionate scream for these people. From the little girl at Lakota, Her name was Kendra, and she was so real on the inside but just did things to trouble and people couldn't see past it, to love her. To a face not so different that I see quite a bit more that is incredibly confused about who she really is so she just does what she thinks the world wants her to do. Then even a close friend who seems so lost in the superficial things that they miss what's true and really actually good in life. Then there are all the wonderful people that suffer so much because of their own love. I soon got to thinking about how badly everyone is suffering whether they know God or not because for those who know him, a tremendous burden of love is thrusted upon them. They adopt the tremendous love of Jesus and painstakingly mourn for those who aren't blessed with his presence. Those that number in masses so much so that it's almost a terrible struggle to believe in Christ. What, with all the temptations, distractions, suffering, and sorrow just to name a few. It is as if everything in the world in against us. But to follow Christ is not a simple task. To follow Christ is to become a warrior and to fight til the death. And I don't think I'll ever decide to stop fighting.

Note to self: prayer is powerful

2008-12-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

I was going through some pictures on my computer and I came across this one. It reminds me of how long I've been best friends with my best friend, Kara. This is her little brother Seth I think he was 5 in the picture and now he's 7 and crushing on girls on TV way older than him. This was when Luke, his little brother wasn't even around. I feel like I'm growing up way too fast. I know it's a little cliche, but it reminds me of how short life really is. And how little time I actually have to make a difference in this crazy massive world. It kind of puts me in my place. Helps me realize how small I really am.

Me and Kara had a life changing discussion in my car this morning after church. lol I cried a lot. I'm so grateful to have a friend like her. After our crazy discussion on a variety of topics I asked her, "Do you think we're the only two people in Kingston that sit in driveways and talk about stuff like this?" She responded with, "Yeah, probably." Indeed, a reassurance to my oddness.
I think I've questioned my affect on this world a lot lately. I was reading an article by Shane Claibourne, a super christian who I feel remote and inferior to(not the title he intended, I'm sure), and it made the point that if America has become so materialistic that the death of an innocent human(the Black Friday fiasco I'm assuming you've heard about) as a direct result of materialism won't make people realise this is a little out of hand, then what will. Again making me feel like I can make no difference at all to these people. So I was thinking this morning and was strayed to a verse which I have no recollection of reaching in thought. It was a bit from James Chapter 5 and it reads,

"...and the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well...the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

I'm considering actually making a new years resolution this year. One to try my best to be righteous so that maybe I can begin to heal the world a bit through prayer. You see, I think we're all sick. Sick of life and theories. Sick of explanation and political correctness. Sick of lack of unity and loneliness. And I want everyone to be better again. Cause I and many other Christians(I believe) are sick as well. Sick of everyone being sick. And if unceasing faithful prayer has power. I will take what I can get and pray a persistent prayer that I know God will respond to. A prayer of care for the people I love and those I will learn to love. A great healing prayer.

Anyway this reminder gave me a lot of hope. Hope that a merciful God will hear the prayer of a mere child.

it's way past my bedtime though. So there's some thought.

Note to self: what he says doesn't matter

2008-12-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

If I could have any superpower in the world it would be having the ability to ignore what my dad says to me. I really can't wait for the day when I can leave this place. I love Kingston it's my home, but I really don't belong here. Every day I am alive I realize more and more that I don't belong here. Not just Kingston but on this Earth at all. There's too much crap here. Too much stupid crap. I'm just searching for a ray of hope while I'm stuck here.

I decided that I'm done making excuses. It's starting to annoy me. Laziness is pointless. Think about it what good is it going to do you if you lay around instead of doing the things that you need to do? none, perhaps it even makes matters worse. This is why I want to rid this lazy factor from my life. Nevertheless, it's still a work in progress.

Welp I'm done here. I'll end with a verse

PSALM 3:5

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

Note to self: Don't cry

2008-12-18T18:20:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was my last day of school. We had our nine week's test in Pre-Calculus or as Mr. Bowman likes to call it, our "cumulative exam." Mr. Bowman is an interesting teacher, to put it nicely. I respect the man very much and he's probably one of the best math teachers that I've ever had, but he's cold and mean as all get out and he's super intimidating(although I think that's what he wants us to think). He has a very dry sense of humor and emphasizes how much he doesn't care about his students. Anyways the nine weeks test was pretty long and we had a sheet with the questions and another to bubble in the answers. Well I decided to not bubble in any of my answers until I was done answering all of the questions... bad decision. The bell rang before I even finished the test and I had to run because Kara had to go get her brother from the elementary school and she was my ride. So I figured Bowman would let me come in in the morning and finish the test, oh was I ever wrong. He has really scary cold eyes might I add... he shot this look at me so filled with anger that I couldn't help but burst out in tears when he said no. I threw the test down on his desk and started to get my things while tears were just pouring from my eyes. He asked me why I wouldn't just fill in the bubbles and I said that I didn't have enough time cause I had already take a bunch of time getting him to sign my exemption sheet. Anyways he eventually broke and told me to come in at 8am and I would have 15 minutes to finish it. And I know everything was okay after that, but that didn't change the way I felt just then. They guy treated me like I committed a freaking murder or something. Now he is an excellent teacher, but he never cuts his students any slack. Anyways I just cried until we got close to the elementary school. It seemed a lot more tragic at the time...

The next morning I came in and he told me if I cried on him like that again he would just get colder and harder on me. I don't know how much colder he could've gotten. But he told me never to cry to him again. And I was just quiet. I think I'm going to end up acting like a scared dog in his class after that incident.

It was just weird cause I think the last time I cried was weeks ago. I think it's a healthy thing to cry though. but then I cried again today which was also weird. It's like I'm going on a crying spree.

I cried cause I was listening to the song "Somebody's baby" by Jon Foreman (a beautiful song) and reading the lyrics. The song was just so sad. Here are the lyrics and the music just total's the effect, if it really interest's you you can search Jon Foreman on google and listen to it on his website, great song. Anyway, here they are.

She yells,

"If you're homeless sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there or begging for junk

When people don't want you they just throw you money for beer"

Her name is November she went by Autumn or Fall

It was seven long years since the Autumn

When all of her nightmares grew fingers

And all of her dreams grew a tear

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still

She screams,

"Well if you've never gone it alone

Well then go ahead, you better throw the first stone

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees"

She dreams about Heaven, remembering Hell

As a nightmare she visits and knows all to well

Every now and again, when she's sober she brushes her teeth

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still

Today was her birthday, strangely enough

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police

They got her ID from the dental remains

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains

The birth and the death were both over

With no one to grieve

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still

So yeah It's pretty sad and it makes me think, where was everyone. You know, all of God's people. I just don't understand how this can happen when there are so many people filled with the overflowing love of the Lord.

After all the greatest commandment is "Love the Lord your God with ALL YOUR HEART, ALL YOUR SOUL, and ALL YOUR STRENGTH." sounds like a lot of love to me.

I guess this little cry session reminded me of this and I thought I share the love. lol

Goodnight.

Note to self: you are made of dirt.

2008-11-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

I find it ironic.

Everyone is so unwilling to get "dirty"
Dirt isn't really bad...
No one ever wants to sit on the ground or walk in their bare feet for fear of getting dirty.
But we were made from dirt, so why is it so hard to embrace what we once were?

I think it's just one of those things that no one thinks about cause it's been pounded in our heads since we were young. "Dirt makes you dirty." "Dirty is bad."

Just a thought.

Note to Self: Everything is awkward

2008-11-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

especially in high school. There is just so much stuff that can go wrong and it does a lot. Then everyone is in a rush to get what they need without someone noticing. it's full of awkwardness. Then you get to the point where you try to avoid it and look out for it. After that it's all you think about and you don't enjoy anything anymore cause you're so busy doing everything else and worrying about that things might be awkward.

I'm going to try really hard not to worry about that kind of stuff anymore.

Note to self: Decemberist's release on the 14

2008-10-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

I love The Decemberists.
I'm excited because they are releasing 3 new albums over the next 3 months.
As far as the content, I'm not worried a bit.
I'm positive that I will fall madly in love with every bit of it and will have a crazy Decemberist binge for the next 5ish months, at least. There's something about Colin Meloy's fake British singing and the oddly matched stand-up bass, accordion, and other random rarely used instruments that I can't get enough.

This blog has nothing deep, besides my everlasting love for this band, but if you were looking forward to or expecting that, I'm sorry. It is late and I have an interview tomorrow. After I burn a CD for the road tomorrow, I need to hit the sack. I'm sure that no amount of coffee will help me to keep from yawning for half of my interview tomorrow.

goodnight all.

Note to self: You are handcrafted.

2008-09-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

The night was just starting. There were people waiting all around. It was that stuffy feeling that makes you think, 'Wow, there are way too many people here than there should be'.

Shoulders back, head up... I would repeat it to myself over and over. You should be so proud to be a part of this.

Everyone looking at us in awe. And was I ever proud.

Later the lights started to come on as the night sky began to darken. Before I knew it I found myself anxious as ever to see our rivals. They were very mixed feelings of hope, respect, and competitiveness. I heard the taps of the snare drum and watched as the girls, resembling little dolls, went out and floated around with the music. I saw rhythmic colors of green and blue. Their eyes sparkled. But soon something went very wrong. I didn't know how to feel about it, but before I could think about it I was running out there myself. A quick glance at the press box made me feel a little uneasy. Thoughts of "What ifs" and disaster ran though my head. Then I remembered that air that she talked about. That air that is so hard to achieve but would polish everything beautifully. Chin up, Hannah, you do thins everyday, focus. Tap, Tap, Tap and I hear the voices approaching like an army, "...17, 18, 19, HASH... Band halt!"
Next came the announcement of the respected people and blah, blah, blah. When you tune everything out and all you can think of is "Oh my gosh, am I really doing this?"

"Mark time mark"... silence... I watched the shoulders of the person in front of me go out and back in and I knew that was the last moment I had to hide. "Take a breath!"

Yelling and gasping for breath we got to the end of the song. Perfect, I thought proudly. Before I knew it the show was over and we were marching off the field. I didn't really know what happened out there. I can't really remember. It went by so fast.

'GUARD!' it was how we were called and we all knew exactly in what tone it was. 'Mrs. Stout wants to see us after third quarter!' Whatever this was it was important.

It was 2 til and I was bracing myself. I wasn't sure what to expect.

'GUARD!' There it was again.

Crammed into a little area partially enclosed with cement blocks we all nervously awaited a response.

'Do you realize that each one of you is handpicked?'

'Think about that for a second. Each girl here is picked out of a whole group of people and pulled together because we thought we could make this work.'

'Well guess what, we did!'
The whole guard yelled in excitement.

We then received news that. People cried when we performed and people stood dumbfounded with their jaws dropped at us. We were also told we could very possibly come out at the top of our class at Seymour if we kept this up. The thought of that made me want to just die, it was so amazing. TOP OF OUR CLASS?! We thought we would never do it again. But there we were Bold, polished, and more proud than we've been yet this season. I felt like I could take on the world at that moment.

Friday night was amazing for the RCHS Color Guard. But when Mrs. Stout was talking about how we were all handpicked it got me thinking about God. I thought about how he made each one of us so detailed. He handcrafted each of us to to be unique and beautiful in our own ways. I thought about how crazy it is. God knows me better than anyone, he knew me even before I was born. He made my personality develop the way it did for a reason. God knows what he's doing and he knew what he was doing when he created me. He did this INTENTIONALLY. I wasn't just a person. I'm not just a meaningless form of life. I have a deep calling from God to fulfill my purpose. Who am I to misjudge God's own creation.

Now I should feel like I can take on the whole world.

Note to self: your obsessiveness scares people.

2008-09-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

So anyone who's known me for at least a year knows that I start getting excited about Christmas WAY too early. And now is about that time :] It's that time of the year when things start to get a little cooler and everyone starts to take out their warmer jackets and are forced to be around each other. I love Christmas. It's my favorite part of the year. I love everything about Christmas. :] I love celebrating, decorating, and looking at decorations. I love Christmas foods especially candy canes. I love Christmas clothes. And I love how nearly everyone is with their family or the people they love on this day or want to be even if they can't. I love Christmas parties and I love how almost everything is closed and there are Christmas dinners and people share their love. I love it when you get a present that's so right for you from someone who knows you that well or when you find something perfect for someone and are so thrilled cause you know it will make them happy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas. It's amazing. I honestly don't care what all the cynics say about Christmas. It's one of my favorite times of the year. :] Anyways I've broken out the old Sufjan Stevens Christmas albums and Relient K. I've also found a new holiday album that I love, Don Peris, Brighter Visions Beam Afar. Most of the Christmas music I listen to is Folk. :p I guess that's just cause I'm weird, but I love it. :D :D

Anyways I know it's not even October yet, but there's some Hannah Fischerness for ya! :]

So I have something a little deeper to talk about now. Tonight in youth group we talked about some stuff in second Peter regarding husbands and wives. Some of it also had to do with God turning away from evil and favoring righteousness. Anyways one of the verses was about how true beauty shouldn't come from outward adornment. I believe this as true, what bothers me is that a few eyes looked my way and a few people probably coughed my name a little in their own heads when they heard this verse. I know every body's not going to read my blog, but I'd like to say that I dress the way I do as a form of self-expression. It bothers me that people assume that if you wear make-up it's because you're insecure about the way you look and you think make-up will make you pretty. I know some people think I'm dumb for wearing make-up sometimes, but I do it to express myself outwardly. To me make-up, design, and style are all forms of art. Getting "dressed up" as people say, to me is like drawing something or painting a picture and I love doing it. So I'll continue to do it. Not to say that I can't go without dressing up or wearing make-up cause I do that all the time and it doesn't bother me. But I hate it when people assume that I wear make-up or dress differently because I'm insecure, and don't get me wrong, I'm very insecure, but not about that. I could care less. If I wanted people to think I was pretty or whatever I wouldn't do my make-up the way I do or dress the way I do at all. If people haven't noticed, I don't dress "pretty" I dress different. I do what I want concerning that and I'm not worried about my appearance, unless it's professional, like I'm applying for a job or something. Anyways I wanted to say that here cause I felt like I needed to defend myself a little. You don't know what you think you know until you really know it. So don't assume why I am the way I am or why I do the things I do if you don't really know.

On a lighter note. I came up with a new blog name that I love and redid my profile. I like it, but I'll probably be changing my layout shortly to go along with my Christmas spirit :] lol

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
-Come Thou Fount

(probably one of my favorite holiday hymns :D)

Note to Self: brethe in, breathe out.

2008-09-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have to remind myself to calm down and breathe.

This afternoon I was thinking about God and about how I know God and I want to know him better. It made me think about feeling God. I feel God sometimes, but I want to feel God all the time. I was thinking about how empty I felt today and I just started crying. I couldn't stop crying and had cried on and off since then for a few hours. I'm not sure what to do. I really am trying to feel God but I'm not sure exactly how... I guess it's one of those things you have to figure out yourself and it's not the same for everyone and stuff.

Note to self: Be dumb. Learn right.

2008-09-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

There are many possible reasons why things are the way they are. However, there is only ever one correct reason or combination of reasons and truth holds, you never REALLY know the reason until you know the reason. For instance, in my picture, there is really only one right answer as to why those scissors are set the way they are and I could make some really good guesses as to why it might be like that. But truth is, I don't really know why until I know why, until I find who put them there and ask them why. Thus, I shouldn't pretend to know the answers, right. John Pryor has always taught me to take everything to the nth degree. So if I believed this to be completely true, I would apply it to every aspect of my life.

God made the earth. I don't really know this. I BELIEVE this with all my heart.

I think one reason people tend to get worked-up when Christians try to share the good news with them is because they try to tell people that what we believe is fact. In the spiritual world, this is fact. However, in this world, this is not fact. It's a theory. This is what people call forcing your religion on people.

One thing that was made apparent to me today is that you can't come from you're own perspective on everything, especially when you're trying to get other people to think the way you think. You've got to take on the perspective of a dumb person, otherwise you learn things are the way they are because they are, not because of why they really are.

I also realized that what I believed is a big jump. Think about it. If I came up to you and said, " I believe that an all-powerful being who has ALWAYS existed created everything and then had a son. His son was born of a virgin human girl and he was perfect. He never sinned and performed many miracles. He healed many people with a touch of his hands and fed thousands with little food. He walked on water, too. I also believe that He was crucified and after being put in a tomb for three days rose from the dead and ascended into the heavens, which is a place that Christians go when they die. So I'm going to spend my whole life worshiping and serving God, whom I cannot literally physically see, touch, hear, smell, or taste."

Does that seem a little ridiculous?

When someone believes this and then says that it's stupid to think that the earth came into existence from a ball of matter that exploded, I find it a little hard to take in. That is, coming from a dumb person's point of view. Anyways, just some thoughts.

Just recently I've started to realize how much the world affects me. It's sad and it makes everyday a battle to overcome what is constantly thrown in my face. I also think I'm lazy. I thought about the concept of laziness the other day and it made me a little sick. I feel like things would be a lot easier if I just stopped making excuses and did what needed to be done.

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna, come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know...
Home, home, where I wanted to go

Coldplay - Clocks

Chewing gum.

2008-08-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

My dad said something tonight. It made a lot of sense but I guess it didn't really click with me until now.

It was something along the lines of "If you're smart, you'll learn from your mistakes, but if not, you'll just keep making them."

I swear I have a sixth sense for these type of things! Maybe not, and it was just horribly predictable. haha

Nevertheless, again I have a change to face. I will be stronger. I think I'm ready for a little change in my own mind right now. A little confidence change. I want some. I think I try too hard to please everyone. I need to reassure myself everyday. I'm done hating myself because other people do. God is the only person I'm ready to please.

Bones sinking like stones
All that we've fought for
All these places we've grown
All of us are done for

Coldplay- Don't Panic (I know I've quoted this before.)

I have this overwhelming feeling that God has something huge planned for me, but I never thought about if I just died. To think all that I believed in would die off with me. Or it most likely would. I want to make a positive impact in this world. I want to stand for all things good. I was thinking about dieing earlier and then I thought to myself that it was very selfish of me to think that.

So with this whole confidence change, I don't want to become big-headed. I want to be open minded and equally confident. I don't understand how that works though. :\

I want a car and a camera. I need a job :[
I hate reality.

I'ma goon.

2008-08-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

So we got mail from Peru today. Enclosed in the envelope was a picture of Sandra. She's grown so big! Lately time has made itself known to me and has also vanished right before my eyes. We celebrated Seth's 7th birthday this past weekend. I can't believe he's seven years old! Heck I'm a Junior! I'm surprised I've made it this far. Kayla went off to college. Along with all the other seniors. Cody is about to turn 19! I mean seriously I think about these things and I'm like wow, wait what? And part of me still hasn't comprehended it. Surprisingly I've been more excepting towards it. I tend to be like my sister when it comes to moving on in life. Last year she cried all day her last day at school. Most of her friends told me about it and said that the teachers had to offer her tissues it was so bad.

Anyways I guess I just don't like the outcome of change sometimes. Change is a painful thing for me. Somehow though, I'm okay with it right now, but not at the same time. I think I've just realized that things will change, I'll adjust, and they'll change again. It will be a never-ending cycle, and it will last a lifetime. Things change and no matter of me crying or being upset will stop it. Plus change isn't that big of a deal anyways. I mean having to adjust is one thing, but sometimes things can change for the better. If things never changed no one would ever go anywhere; no one would ever move on. Plus everyday is one day closer to when I'll get to see my Father in Heaven and it will be a glorious day! So I look forward, even if it means change. Change is just part of the package and sometimes it is good. :]

You’ll be free, child, once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
-Bright Eyes, Land Locked Blues

Things are starting to make sense.

2008-08-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah it's true. Everyday things start to make more sense to me about this world. They make sense, but things still aren't right.

My mom called me the other day. I miss her like crazy and can't wait to see her. That's just one of the reasons that I want a car and my license so much. I'm thinking Christmas break is when I'll get to go possibly? Depending on if I get another job soon.

My mom has made some really dumb decisions, but no human has ever loved me as unconditionally as she has. I probably talk to my mom once a month if I'm lucky. It's usually the highlight of her month too. I really want to see her, mostly because I think it would make her so happy. I told her I wanted to see her and that when I got my license and a car a friend and I were going to go up there and visit. She began to cry. I thought to myself how can someone love me so much? How can someone miss me so much?

You have no idea how much I want to talk to her face to face. Just to give her a hug. Just to see how she's doing.

So school's started back up. I'm really optimistic about this year. Except physics. I think all my classes will be really exciting and really beneficial to me! Except physics. I think science is so boring. :\ I mean today we talked about all the forces that were acting on a box that a girl was pushing. It just seems really lame, and, quite frankly, I don't really care either. I mean why do you need an explanation for little things like that?! It seems pretty ridiculous to me. I think sometimes people get so caught up in how things are happening that they miss why they're happening. The really important things in life seemed to be overlooked because people are always trying to find an explanation. People spend so much time trying to figure out where the world came from and how everything developed that they miss it's beauty and it's representation of the power of God. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to let things be. I think creation is something that we're not supposed to fully understand as human beings, at least not technically. Why can't people just say to themselves that they may never understand and that's okay rather than driving themselves insane looking for answers?

Well there was my little ramble about science. haha

Wilco- Wishful thinking

Fill up your mind with all it can know
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking

All I wanna do...

2008-08-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

I saved a kid's life the other night. It was exciting. It was like 9:45 at night. I jumped in with all my clothes on. The air was really cold. I didn't get a thank you, but I guess I shouldn't expect it. After all, it's my job right?

I guess I was just shocked by the lack of caring on all accounts. I mean if someone had just saved my child's life I would do something more than get them out of the pool. I might be concerned about what happened, if the kid was okay. I'd probably thank the lifeguard... at least.

Something that has always bothered me is when someone has a kid and doesn't have responsibility for them. Having a child isn't something to be taken lightly. It's not like getting a new car or something. It will affect the rest of your life an your entire family's life. It will affect the future. Too many people don't care about that though. I don't mean to say that this is why adoption exists, but it a big reason. It's sad that children suffer all over the world because people tell themselves that they can't handle something that they got themselves into before thinking about it. Of course there are other reasons that kids get sent to orphanages, but is one of them. It bugs me.

Anyway, my rambling won't help anything.

Don't forget what you've learned all you give is returned
And if life seems absurd what you need is some laughter
And a season to sleep and a place to get clean

Bright Eyes- Cleanse Song

Every little thing is gonna be alright. :]

2008-07-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to conjure up a new name for the 'ole blogger. I'm fresh out of ideas though. I want something that actually describes what I write in this little white box here. :p So if you have any ideas, sharing wouldn't hurt :D

So these past two days have been pretty crazy. They go by fast, but they feel like multiple days rather than just one. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I haven't had a day off in a really long time. It's starting to get to me. I've just been crazy busy, just constantly running. It's only the second day of band camp, but I'm incredibly sore. :[ I've been trying to stretch a lot, but I just don't feel like it at night and I'm constantly going during the day. Maybe I'll start stretching at lunch or something. I've decided to stop stretching during swimming lessons though, kids ask too many questions. It's hard to explain to a child how my legs hurt from standing, kicking, and pointing my toes all day and how stretching makes it feel better. haha

I have a little girl named Anna in my lesson 2 class. I was talking to her after lessons today and she asked me if I had any kids. I was like, "Wow, I hope I don't look old." haha I really wonder why she asked me that though. :p But yeah I just thought I'd share a cute story to ease the depressed tone a bit.

On a deeper note, I'm really trying to stop worrying so much. Many bad things have come of my worrying. :\ I guess some good things have come as well. I don't know though. I'm really trying to trust that things will be okay. I have a lot on my mind and no time to straighten it all out and what not right now.

Oh life, with your colorful surprises...
...Forget about yourself and all your plans
-The Henney Buggy Band, Sufjan Stevens

Have an open mind and learn something.

2008-07-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

I worked this weekend, and in the process of working I had a lot of time to talk with one of my co-workers/boss, Jonathan. Somehow, everything we talked about ended up turning to something regarding God, Christianity, Religion, etc. It was pretty cool actually. It got me thinking about a lot. I think it got him thinking about a lot, too, which is a very good thing. :] He seems to me to be one of those very laid back "Christians". He ended up helping me realize that sometimes I take things way too seriously. I'm way too hard on myself and I worry way to much. I think I helped him realize that he's not taking things seriously enough, especially God. Which is awesome. At the first pool party we worked together, I was the one bringing up God, mostly because well God is what my entire life is about, but by the end of the week, he was the one asking me questions and engaging in spiritual conversation. It's pretty cool how God works.

Saturday morning I read a new post on my best friend's blog about fear. I started thinking about fear. I realized that fear is something I create myself. Pretty soon, I'm creating my own limits. I'm limiting myself from great things! So then I started trying to eliminating some irrational fears that I had by getting to the root of the problem. I realized that most of my fears were social. I hate interacting with people that don't know me, especially with older people anywhere from teens to near death, but I don't have that much of a problem with kids. I came to the conclusion that I'm afraid of adult confrontation, speaking in large crowds, drawing attention to myself, and even speaking in class because I feel like everyone's judging me. I couldn't figure out what to do about it and I figured thinking out loud plus another input could go a long way. So I asked Jonathan. He starting talking about how it doesn't matter what people think about you, blah blah blah. Yeah I don't know if I believe that it doesn't matter what they think, but I find myself tip-toeing around people's minds for they're satisfaction. And I think THAT is ridiculous. God's judgment is the only judgment that matters to me. That doesn't mean I'm going to start being a close-minded rebel. I think people are one of the best ways to learn. I'm just going to be myself. I've even tried it out a bit and I find I like myself better that way. When I'm not constantly worried about people thinking I'm some awful person when they don't know me.

Then I started thinking, what if something I'm doing is really wrong and I've misinterpreted or missed something? Jon pointed out that I seem to take things like that way too seriously. That it might be wrong for me to worry so much. Then I started thinking, "Yeah, I know I worry a butt ton, and I shouldn't, cause it says not to in the Bible." It's a verse that I refer to way too much, but don't follow like I should.

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)

Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I never applied this verse to my life cause it never made sense to me that you didn't have to worry about anything and try to live a sinless life at the same time. Because we make mistakes everyday that we don't even think twice about.

Then I remembered another verse that God pushed on me a long time ago, but I never got it.

Romans 8:28 (NIV)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It doesn't matter what happens. Both good and bad things will happen no matter what I do. I can't control everything. All that matters is where my heart is. What I want and what I'm trying for.

Anyways that was my revolution that I had this weekend. It was pretty cool to feel like I had everything in perspective for once. :]

Ending in lyrics of an amazing Coldplay song with not only beautiful music but fantastic lyrics. I SO wish I could see Coldplay live! They have been all I can listen to since I heard their new album.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In a little while I'll be there.

2008-07-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

So band camp starts on Monday.
It's pretty much coming way too fast.
I guess I'm excited. It's pretty bittersweet.

Anyways I've been thinking a lot about having jobs and my career.
Also about college, money, etc.
It's starting to stress me out a little.
I think I'm going to be in school for a while.
But I don't know if I want to spend more than 4 years in college. Four years is fine with me but anymore I'm not so sure of. I also think that I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I don't know what's coming at me. I'm also thinking I'm going to have a really hard time making up my mind about college. I know I have a little while to figure all of that out, but I think it's best to think ahead. That what I always do. Even if it means I end up worrying. That's just how I am.

anyways I'm going to be pretty busy starting tomorrow. :[
There are some things on my mind that I'm not sure if I should concentrate on them or not. I guess I've just not been the best lately with everything.

I leave you with some lyrics of a song that I've randomly chosen for whatever reason.
I think I'm going to start ending all my blogs with song lyrics. This one is truly a great song. :]

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

-Snow Patrol, Run

Reality is too dissappointing.

2008-07-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

"Writing was just a dream, something to dive into when reality became a little too brutal."

I can relate to this. That is why I was so thrilled to come across this blog.

I was browsing the World Vision site and was somehow linked to this woman's blog. Her name is Anya and she has a pretty crazy and tragic story. I started reading some of her more recent posts out of curiosity and was hooked by how well written it was. So I went into her archives and to the very beginning of her writing in the blog. I've been reading it like crazy since I found it. It's given me a bit of a perspective change as well.

See, I used to think that homeless people were just too lazy to get a job for whatever reason. I never really thought about how they wouldn't have an address or anything. I also never thought about the embarrassment of it all. I think if I were in a situation like that one, I would def. not want to approach any other person about a job, let-alone asking for help. I would feel lower than low to be an adult and have gotten myself in that type of situation in the first place. I would def feel like I got myself into it and should get myself out. I've always hated that I'm dependent on people to live. It really bugs me. It makes me feel like a mooch. haha

Anyways I thought it was neat :p
I hope everyone has a great day.

I'd like to know how you're doing

2008-07-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

I was checking my myspace today (hard to believe I know :p) and I scrolled down only to find that I had "New Messages!" and "New Comments!". This is the first time that I realized there were exclamation points placed after the notifications. I was surprised and thought to myself, "why?". haha I guess I never paid much attention to them for fear of feeling lame and realizing that a certain excitement was aroused inside of me from receiving a "New (whatever)!". As if every time I see this, I am reassured that I still belong to humanity because someone has something to say to me. I guess that makes me lame, but since when is that news. I seem to find a new way to be identified as lame each day.

Anyways this discovery seemed to link in with a lot of things I've been thinking about lately. I was reading Proverbs this afternoon. I was sitting out on my front porch cause I just got off work and was sorta cold from being wet all evening. (I love lifeguarding though)Anyway it was sort of cold inside and warmish outside so I changed into some dry clothes, made myself a nice warm bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, poured a glass of cold Brita filtered water, grabbed my purple blankie, and my good ole Bible, and headed out the door for a mini picnic on my porch. Matt (my sister's boyfriend and my own co-worker) pulled up to this picture of my weirdness and I was sad cause his perception of me probably was downgraded by seeing this as he asked what I was doing and commented with an "oh...interesting..." after he saw my bible and probably thought I was performing some type of spiritual ritual or something. He did interrupt my prayer of thanks for my meal though. lol

However this is all besides the point. After I ate, I opened my Bible to Proverbs and was reading about wisdom and adultery mostly. I thought it was cool how it referred to wisdom as a female person. A "she" to be exact. But it went on about how she was there with God before the creation of the world and she was the craftsman at his side when he gave the sea it's boundary. So it got me thinking about why God even made us. I know it's a question in a lot of people's minds. Some things I've been reading lately led me to a conclusion. I think God planned for us to keep him company. I think he was lonely in that dark formless abyss of nothingness that existed before Earth. But what he intended earth to be, turned out entirely different than he planned. But yeah that's my opinion that was to be formed. :D

Yay for forming opinions!
I desperately need to get to bed.
Goodnight all. :]

not going anywhere?

2008-07-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking a lot about friendships.
I think when you're friends with someone it means a lot more than you just hang out with them sometimes. It's a deep caring, trusting relationship. I've learned in these past several days that people who I thought were my friends really don't care about me that much and I can't really trust some of them either. When you're friends with someone, you need to be able to depend on them first of all. If you can't depend on them the relationship is unstable.

I mean if you can't depend on someone, you never know what can happen. You're basically on your own. Like if you do something as little as asking them to do you a favor and you can't depend on them, they may bail on you at any given moment. You can't ask them for anything, not even for them to keep a secret for you. If you can't depend on them, it's really hard to be friends with them unless you just become completely selfless.

Another thing I've realized about friendships is that when something happens,(an argument, a disagreement, an accident, etc.) people tend to cut it off and not fix anything. I guess it seems easier to most people. Anyways, I hate that.I mean what's the point in having a friendship if you have to constantly worry about them dropping everything and leaving because things get a little hard? It's tempting, I know. I don't think a friendship is really a friendship if you always have to convince them that they should keep being friends with you. It just seems a little ridiculous. I hate having friendships that are threatened like that.

I think what it all comes down to is some stuff that I've heard Dennis talk about a lot. Each person needs to deny themselves and pick up their cross. It's not a 50\50 thing. Each person gives 100%. Maybe this is why the saying goes, "A good friend is hard to find."

I guess I just end with wondering what happened to, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

God, put your hand in this place.

2008-07-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

We need you.

I went to hang out with some friends tonight.
I love my friends, but I fear for them.

I feel like every day I see how much worse this world can be. I see how much more we need God's love and grace. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should be doing something I just don't know what.

I do know this though. I want to stand for only good things in my short time that I have. My heart is breaking all the time because this world isn't right. Things are just so twisted and wrong. And it's so painful to watch. SO PAINFUL to witness. I don't know though. I don't know much right now though. I've just been going off my "instincts". What I think is the Holy Spirit inside of me. I feel something inside of me beating, hurting for things like this and I think it's my heart. I guess it's just a matter of faith.

I feel what I think is my heart coming back to life.
I love it because I can feel God so much now.
I felt his presence so strongly the other night going to bed.
I was so focused and nothing in the world could stop that feeling then. All of the temptations of the world hit me and blew right past me. It was truly amazing.
My heart used to be alive. It was pretty dead for a while.
I like that my heart is awakening again, it's painful, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dreads :]

2008-07-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

I want to get dreadlocks. :]
I think they'll look awesome and it'll be fun to try something new.
I've always thought they would be cool but it was one of those "someday I'll try it" things. I'm actually seriously considering it though now. I'll have to save up a little money first cause I want to get them done professionally and I'm going to have to take really good care of them if I want them to look good. I'll need to get special shampoos and stuff.

Also, I think it'll be a cool thing to experience. I know people will put me down and stereotype me for it. I know some people will judge me for it. They think they know why I did it without even talking to me. It's really annoying though that I have to think about all of this before wearing my hair a certain way. I already know what my family will think. Which really bothers me. I think that if you love someone, it doesn't matter what they do or how they look, you should be ok with it. For instance, my sister got a tattoo on her back when she came to see Kayla's graduation. I was shocked because my family started talking about her behind her back. They all think that she's throwing her life away. I don't. I love my sister and it she has a tattoo on her back that doesn't change who she is. It seems like something so simple that everyone should understand. It's like another form of racism. And more people need to know the truth. It's wrong to judge people like that. And this is partially why I'm doing it and it'll give me some great perspective as well. I know I probably judge people all the time because of things like this without even thinking about it. So I need to realize that that's not what my heart should be like. Anyways this has gone way to far in what I've thought. It's messed up that all of this crap comes with getting a new freaking hairstyle.

Me getting dreads isn't going to change who I am. I'm not going to start smoking pot or something insane like that. It really hurts me a lot to think of how people will change their thoughts about me the way I change my hairstyle. It shouldn't be like that.

Anyways I've made up my mind. If I don't like them or something. I can just take them out. But yeah I'm not doing it to be different. I think that's stupid. Everyone is already different. I'm doing it for two reasons.

1.because I think I'll like it and want to experience it.

2. Because it's so terribly wrong that I wouldn't do my hair different because of what people might think about me.

If I don't do something that I want to do because of what people will think about me, I'm letting ignorant people control me. And I'm sick of ignorant people being in control.

I'm not stupid. It really hurts me to know what some people have already thought about it and I don't even have them yet.
whatever though.

RUN

2008-07-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

I AM STRESSING MYSELF OUT LIKE CRAZY.
I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I COULD EXPLODE.
I AM REALLY WANTING TO GET AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS CRAP.
I JUST WANT TO RUN FOREVER UNTIL I REACH A PLACE WHERE NO ONE EXISTS AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE CRAP I WANT.
I AM SO SICK OF MONEY AND JOBS AND SCHOOL AND BAND AND ALL OF THIS CRAP.
I WANT TO DIE.
someone please give me a gun.

When the truth is, I miss you.

2008-07-14T10:39:00.001-07:00

I had guard practice today and I've started to get excited. I think this year's show will be really fun :]

But the first day is always overwhelming. I remember being a new girl and wanting to cry it was so awful. I can see it in Mara and most all of the new girls, but they have some ambition and we'll all be fine. :]

So I've been excited, but with a new show comes new stress. I'm stressed out about a lot right now. :\ this just adds to the list. But I'm trying to keep a positive attitude in the midst of it all.

I'm worried about having to pay for a car, getting a new job for the school year and being super busy with everything again. :\ another school year is coming. It's not here yet, but I'm already feeling the effects of it.

Anyways. I'm sick of things holding me down and stressing me out.
627 days til I get to be free.
This freedom keeps looking better and better.

Anyways. I don't have anything really interesting to talk about today...

D:

I guess you're right, maybe things will be okay.

2008-07-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'm having a really hard time lately. I'm trying to adjust to a lot of new stuff. I guess I am just kind of stuck with some of it. Every time something bad happens, I just want to go away. I guess I'm just tired of things happening that I can't do anything about. I'm tired of having to deal with pain. Constant pain that won't go away for a long time. And I know people who need to get away more than I do. But I don't want to deal with all the stress that I'm under. I guess I just have trouble not running away from my problems. I've been told that I tend to run away from my problems. I guess I just feel like I need a fresh start for things to be right. I don't though. I just need to stop being a ninny. "Still, things could be much worse" Maybe that's a pessimistic way to look at things, but sometimes things that are broken, can't always be put back together. Some take time :\ but some can never be fixed.

But maybe I've just lost hope because of the lengthiness of things.

A friend of mine told me today that everything will be okay. I guess I was kind of cynical about the comment. It sent me on a rant in my own mind listing off everything that wasn't okay and probably won't ever get better. And I'm sure that they weren't talking about all my problems. But it gave me a little hope to know that someone still has a little hope that things will be okay. I live most everyday of my life feeling hopeless. It used to not be like that... at all. I used to be full of hope for things to come, but I don't know what happened. Maybe things have just gone bad for me more than they have good.

But I'm still here and I'm still trying. So I guess I'm still okay. And maybe everything else will be too.

2008-06-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm back from the mission trip. Things have been insane lately. It makes me just want to leave again. What I would love is to go back to Wamblee. I just want to hang out with those kids all day. I'm beginning to love kids more and more as I work with them. It reminds me of the beauty of a blank piece of paper. There are SO many possibilities and great beautiful things can become of them.

Anyway, I went to South Dakota thinking I knew what to expect. What I thought I was going to see, I did see, but there's something about actually seeing it for yourself that makes it so real. I can see it in something other than a picture. I saw their neighborhood and my heart just broke. I wanted to go in and take them all back home with me and take care of them. But I knew I couldn't. I knew all I could do was support these kids and encourage them. Give them truth. And maybe someday, if we keep this up, they'll help to better their own community. So on the way back to camp I cried. I cried because I wanted to pull these kids out of their horrible living situations and bring them home with me. I knew that I couldn't though, for many reasons. I can't just make everything better, but I could help.

If there is anything I learned that week it was that you can't force love on someone. Now, I loved all of these kids and I've been missing them like crazy since we left, but most of them can't understand that, so we have to slowly show them how much they are loved by us through and because of God. This is something that they can't really grasp when they're so young and when most of them don't even know what love is or even what God is. I'm convinced that just going back over and over again is the best way to help them at least begin to understand some of those things and encourage them to read into it more and really try to understand.

While I was a Wamblee I met some really great kids. First and foremost, Sequoia, not because she was my favorite, or because I think she's better than any of the other kids, because those things aren't true. I just got pretty attached to her. She was a sweet little girl. She had a good heart, too. Which was cool to see in a kid so young. Anyways she liked to wear make up :p The last day I got to see her she was wearing purple eyeshadow. She has 10 siblings and seemed to have a good family for the most part. She told me how much she didn't like living in Wamblee. She talked about Rapid City like it was some great city far far away that she would dream about and loved to go there, but I think she just saw it as a better place than Wamblee. It would be a cool way to help her understand Heaven. Heaven, like Rapid City... a better place. :p But yeah she was special to me. I wrote her a letter the other day with a picture in it. I can only hope that it was the right address and that it's is going to get to her and she'll write back soon.

Then there is Karly. At first she come off as kind of snobby and stubborn. A real "give me this give me that" type of girl. But as the week went on and I grew closer to her and all the other kids, I realized that she's grown up in an environment where there wasn't much to be had and no one really had much. She was stubborn because you can't really trust anyone there. People beat up people left and right. People get raped and mugged. Their houses get robbed and vandalized. Usually family is the only people you can trust, but most of the family structures are really messed up. Anyways, Karly just takes a while to warm up to you, but it's worth it in the end. She's a very loving kid, and to share love with her and be loved by her is so special.

Then there's Kendra. Kendra is very cheerful. I'm pretty sure she was the happiest kid I met. She loved to have fun and she loved to mess around with people. She was really cute though and could get away with anything. She was the one who painted my entire face blue. There's a very memorable picture of her smiling face in my memory. She was really awesome.

Then there's Penelope. I didn't get to talk to her much because she was very shy at first as were her sisters Ambreya and Stormy. However when I did talk to her she was very sweet and innocent. She was quite the cool kid. When she wrote her name, she wrote every letter backwards... which is just awesome. Then of course there's Alicia, Jakayla, Emily, Amber, Serina, Winter, Sun Dance, Chaylyn, Cheyanne, Ben, Moto, Spring, Angel, Autumn, and many more kids that I didn't get to know as well as I wished, but am looking forward to seeing them hopefully this Winter or next Summer.

Anyway the trip really put the spring back in my step and helped me get up on my feet again. Since the trip, all I've wanted is to go back. I miss those kids so much it's been all I can think about.

But I will end my blog now.

Everyone have a fantastic fourth of July.

Oh, we're sinking like stones.

2008-06-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

So I'm leaving on Friday! 2 more days! ahh!

Today I walked into the guard room to two of my coworkers talking about how they hate it when people push their religion on you. I didn't make any comments, simply because I agree as well. Of course, they were probably talking about Christians, most people around here really aren't around much other religions. But that's where I agree with them. If someone came up to me and forcefully tried to tell me what they knew was "true", I would probably react in the same way. I mean most people have a place where they stand when it comes to what they believe and practice.

I'm proud of myself though, because all of my coworkers know that I'm a Christian, and it's not because I shun them everyday for not being Christians. I don't even know where a lot of them stand on their beliefs. Anyways They all know that I'm a Christian because of the way I live. Which is really cool, to me. I've paid attention to where these people stand when it comes to beliefs and such and one thing I've noticed is that they don't like "Bible beaters". So I've been extremely cautious as to what I say to them about God and things like that. I've been trying to treat it very much like a race. Like my skin is just a different color than theirs. I respect that they're different than me and don't try to change them every chance I get. They know I want them to be Christians, like me. I think most of them believe in a God, probably the same as mine, they just hate all the other things, like people's knowledge. Dennis preached a sermon a while back saying that most young adults believe Christians are just anti homosexual, judgmental, and are only concerned with converting people.

That's not what we're supposed to be though. We're supposed to be real people looking to strengthen real relationships with God and others. So my thoughts are that I should just keep doing what I'm doing. I'm def. not pushing my religion on them, but they know where I stand and that I respect where they stand as well. I'm just afraid of where my place is with some things. I mean is it my place to even ask them what they believe? And I'm afraid of my response. What if they say I am a Christian, too? Is it my place after that to hold them accountable for things? What if they say, I believe in you God, I just don't practice Christianity? Is it my place to ask them Why not?

I just have to pray about it. I truly believe that God will give me a great opportunity to do what I'm supposed to do, but I just don't know if I'll recognize it or not...

Oh, all that I know, There's nothing here to run from, And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.
-Don't Panic- Coldplay

a perfect, peaceful sleep.

2008-06-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that my dad will never get off my back for anything. He will always make things as complicated as he can to make me wrong because I'm a child and he obviously knows more than me.

Anyways, on a less depressing note. I've developed a love. :] I've started loving to swim. Ever since I've started lifeguarding, I've slowly began to be more and more interested in swimming. So I've began to swim as much as I can and I love it. I went to the gym tonight and I ran. I've noticed that music, when it's all I hear, is a motivation. Soon my pace becomes the same as the rhythm of the song. It's pretty cool. Cause my more faster upbeat stuff is so much more fun to listen to! Sometimes I get so caught up that I just want to start dancing around the gym. But everyone there probably thinks I'm weird and that probably wouldn't do much for my reputation. :]

Anyways I think I'm going to get a gym membership when I get a car and go to the gym a few times during the week. I really love it. Mostly cause the gym has a pool. But yeah. :] I'll get Kara to come with me.

So I've decided to be more open about things. Try new things. I guess. lol Okay so maybe it wasn't a decision, but more like wishful thinking. :p I do that a lot though.

Anyways, a good week to you all. Goodnight. :]

So it's been a little while...

2008-06-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

The days are counting down until the Lakota trip. My first mission trip ever. I'm leaving in 4 days. I'm so excited. :D :D

Anyways Today was father's day. Another painful holiday. I tried not to think about it. I felt bad though. I was going to call my dad and wish him a happy father's day, but I was hesitant cause he might have guilted me into coming home. I don't like to go home. :\ But yeah and what a father's day it was. I sat in the Gunter's living room while they all sang Happy father's day to the happy birthday song tune to Billy. I put in my two cents. :] That was my highlight of the day. :p

anyways. So blogging has lost some favor with me. People read my blog a little more than they used to so it's good and bad. I have tot be careful with what I say, but I can also get more opinions and feedback while I'm trying to form my own opinions.

Journaling is much easier, but you don't get feedback, which I value very much.

So I've experienced having a real job for a while now and I must say, it's nice, for a job. I've come to know my coworkers each of them on a bit of a personal level as well as having a good time with them, give or take a few. I'm probably thought of as the Christian girl amongst them. They use it against me sometimes too. And I'm not so sure it's a good thing to them. As soon as they learned my religious status, they categorized me. it's hard to get people to respect who you really are whenever they already think they know you.

It takes a little shake up from the rift
It takes a bit of wind to get you to lift
It takes sandstorms and signs from God
It takes a piece of grass floating on a breeze
It takes a plastic bag stuck up in a tree
It takes cold fronts and sackcloth skies
It takes leviathans down in the abyss
The hidden messages of the things that you missed
It takes mouthfuls of Niagara Falls

I hope everyone has a fabulous week. I know I will :]

2008-05-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about rights a lot lately. I am a human child. In my opinion every human child should have the right to safety and basic necessities...um education and things of that sort. Adults is a different story. They have to provide for themselves and their families unless they're not able for some reason that they can't do anything about, like health.

However I'm still trying to figure out what rights people have no matter who they are and what people deserve good and bad. I mean here's an example of what goes through my head... So let's try to find a basic right that everyone has, no strings attached. I'm sure every human has the right to life... but what if they've killed someone, do things change then? So if I can't even find out one basic right of everyone...this whole figuring out what people have a right to is going to be harder than I thought.

But there's a difference between what people have a right to and what they deserve. For instance, does every human have the right to a nice warm bed and 3 meals a day even if they're a bad person? God gives everyone their rights indirectly...but then it gets complicated when one infringes on another's rights. Because people can't always catch that...

I've just been thinking since I saw the Invisible Children video again, why are these people in Africa starving and suffering yet here in America we(and I say we because I'm included and I'm not preaching just being curious) act like we have some right to be comfortable and entertained all the time like we're some type of kings, when really, we're all sinners. So we're all sinners (starving or luxuriated) and the punishment of sin is death. Then we all deserve death technically but Christ came and died for us so that we can be saved...so I'm back to square one, what are our rights or do we even have any. Cause if we don't, then people talk about them an awful lot and people have some pretty wrong mindsets. But if we do and we have the right to be saved, first of all why? and second of all if we accept Christ do we then deserve to be saved? Or is it just something we receive? the Bible says "the gift of salvation" so if that's how it works we must not have any rights and everything we receive is a gift, that is something given to us that we really have no obligation to have. and if that's the case shouldn't we have a different perspective on things?

Most of this comes to mind because I have a hard time telling myself that I deserve things or even more, saying it out loud. But yeah, I'd like some opinions while I'm trying to form my own. :]

Everyone have a good week.

When you wake up it will be the beginning of the world and in the fields of this day, hear a song, hear a song.

2008-05-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

680 days.
Not much huh?
Just a few more years.
I just want to be free.

Free from punishment for dumb things.
Free from guilt.
Free from this crap hole.
I just don't like it here much.

It's okay though. I think I can deal with it for a little while longer.

So I'm ready to have a car and a job.

I was dreading this summer cause I knew I'd just be working all the time, but I think I'm going to enjoy it. :]

Having money is a nice thing as well. Not that I'm going to have much, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Things are going good for me right now. I'm eager for things to come. and I'm looking at things in a positive light.

I can't wait to go see my mom. It won't be much longer, and I'll probably get to see my grandma as well. I really miss life back in Pennsylvania when we would just laugh and play all day. We would go visit my grandparents and my pappy would always spoil us with bags of candy. Everything seemed so simple. I remember it like it was an old film playing back. And although I don't remember many things I do remember being happy. I remember swinging on the swings across the road from our house and when my dad would tell us that he was going to push us all the way around the bar and we would get so scared. I remember the five trees my dad planted out in the front yard for shade. I remember sitting in my living room on a Saturday afternoon watching the cat lie in the sun. I remember playing kickball behind the trailers. Yeah I lived in a trailer park, but I was happier than any kid I could remember. I remember the field close to our house, where we found our cat. I remember a single tree in the middle of that field. I remember how pretty it was everywhere. I also remember leaving that place in a big moving truck. I want to go visit so badly. :]

Anyways.
I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the week. :]

Meow.

2008-05-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

I've been praying for God to show me why one of my friends rejects religion.

And coincidentally he did. :]

I think people, me included, need to ask themselves why instead of judging people.

Anyways it was weird cause I've been trying to think of a way to bring up the subject but and couldn't really do it without it being really weird and awkward. But there was no need for me to worry about it, I should have had more faith. But anyways, the subject just kind of came up, and I wasn't even the one to bring it up. It was pretty awesome how God just made that happen.

Anyways, I found out that she's an even cooler person than I thought she was. She's way deeper that she makes herself out to be. It was cool how she put it. She said, "I have this image, but it's not fake. It's not like I'm one person but completely different when you get to know me. It's like I'm one person but not all of that person."

God works in amazing ways. and it's not like I saved her or anything. I just came to understand her so much better and it was pretty awesome.

Now I know how she feels about things. She even said she admires me and what I stand for and what I do, which I think is a really cool thing. She explained a lot that night and now it all makes sense. I think all I can do is keep trying to influence her.

I got to meet more of her family and just really get to know her better. Her grandparents are hilarious! Mine are pretty bitter and I thought it was just so cool. Her sense of humor def. comes from her Grandma.

Her little sister is adorable. She believes in fairies. :]

Anyways it's always good when you know reasons for actions.

It just makes more sense.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Shine, shine, shine on.

2008-05-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

I went to two churches this morning. It was... interesting. It's weird to step out side your comfort zone for a while and experience what other people's lives are like sometimes.

Anyway today was Mother's Day.
I almost hate holidays cause they're usually stressful to me.
I don't have a normal family, if you could call it that at all.
Every holiday is celebrated differently for me.
There is people who have close families and their traditional ways of celebrating things. On holidays like this I almost feel more alone than ever.
I don't like to celebrate holidays with my family, cause they just do it because that's just what you do. That's just how things work here. It seems like they don't really think about why they do anything they do. When they pray before meals they have to clear their throats and put on their fake faces and say God, bless this food. But they don't even think about what they're saying.

I didn't really grow up in a good, strong, Christian environment.
Nothing seemed real and I was always really annoyed by it.
So like I said these holiday's mean more to me than any of my family so it's weird.

Today when we went to Victory Baptist. The preacher asked for everyone who had a good Christian mother growing up to raise their had. Nearly everyone in the room raised their hands. I didn't. But all around me there were hands.

I had to keep myself from bursting into tears and running out of the building crying. I didn't want that kind of attention from people who I didn't even know. And I had already cried during Dennis' sermon, which isn't normal cause Dennis' sermons aren't usually tear jerkers. :p

but yeah. I don't really have an actual mom around.

This is the part where I can relate to adopted kids who want to meet their real parents. lol
Michelle has been more of a mother to me than I have ever known, and the Gunter's have been an amazing family for me. I guess I just feel weird, I feel guilty for having them take care of me sometimes. I guess I've always been subconsciously searching for a home. :\

I'm pretty sure that the Gunter's and my church family is that home.

Anyways. I think that there's definitely been a lot of good to come out of this situation though. God can do amazing things like that.

For instance, I've gained the ability to recognize a good Christian family and that will make it easier for me to have my own family when I do.

It's brought me closer to God all in all and has made me who I am.

Anyways.
I hope everyone has a good week. :]

DISCOvery. Maybe that's where the word disco came from.

2008-05-09T13:50:00.001-07:00

Sufjan Stevens is a true artist.
His music is beautiful.

I was checking out some of his music and was linked to this band.
The Innocence Mission

This lady's voice reminds me of Leslie Feist. Her music is beautiful though, too.

Anyways I thought I'd share my discovery. You all might not like it as much as I do, but I think it's cause it reminds me of my mom in a way.

9/11

2008-05-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

So the for the past week, in government, Mrs. Johnson has been showing us this documentary on 9-11. Government is my first class of the day, and Thus, my day everyday for the past week has started with burning buildings, firefighters, and the reliving of the deaths of thousands of Americans.

When 9-11 actually took place, I was in the fourth grade. The teachers were all freaking out and running through the halls asking where the television sets were. Most of the teachers had frantically abandoned their classes. The students for the most part just sat there wondering what was going on. Finally, our teacher rolled in a stand with a TV on it.She turned in on. We watched.

I was about 10 years old. I honestly had no idea what the World Trade Centers were. I didn't even know what terrorists were. So when someone got it across to me that a terrorist had hijacked a plane into the world trade center, it really didn't make much sense. What I could get from watching it on TV was that a plane had flew into a building. Honestly, my first thoughts were, "okay...what's the big deal? A plane hit a building, I'm sure that happens all the time." In time I came to realize how big of a tragedy it really was.

Mrs. Johnson turned off the TV. Silence filled the room. "So what do you all think?" she asked us. Silence.

You can't answer that question very easily.

So this week has been a mournful type of week. It's really awful to see what this world has come to.

One of the firefighters in the film said something like, "I have two options: to be a firefighter or to go serve in the Navy. I would rather save lives than take them, but after witnessing that...I'd go."

I just made me realize how many lives were taken because of this stupid thing. Not only of the people in the towers when they were hit, but of the people trying to save them, and of the people who fought in the war caused by this.

Yeah. I just thought I'd share my thoughts on that.

Everyone have a good rest of the week.

consistency

2008-05-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been severely beaten and then people get mad at me cause I'm not doing everything that I should be.

I feel like I am pathetic. I really do though. And now that I am I don't want to be anymore.

I want to be strong independent and free.

Seriously those words all seemed silly to me before. Now they hit me hard in the chest and fill my lungs. I want this. But the only thing that earns this is time. And I'm sorry for as long as I upset people for it. I really am I wish I could be better for half of you.

Senior Wills came out in the newspaper today. Kayla left me all of her sisterly love. I'm really going to need it though. When I read that, I seriously almost lost it. I remember growing up with her. I always had this stupid thought that I was better than her and I told her all the time that when we were older she would show up at my doorstep asking for money. I only told her this when I was mad at her though. And as messed up as it was, I probably really believed it. I feel like now it's going to be the other way around. She's moving out this summer. It's going to be weird being home with her gone to be completely honest. I'm going to miss her a lot. So I have the slightest feeling that when I get a license and hopefully a car in August, I'll be paying her a few visits in Chattanooga. I don't think I'll be begging for money though. lol

Anyways Cody left me his organization skills. haha I got to thinking about it later on that day and I realized that I'll probably need his organization skills bad especially next year. My whole life is an unorganized mess. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is consistent. It gets kind of annoying at times. Actually all the time. My eating habits aren't consistent, my exercising habits aren't consistent either. My caffeine intake is definitely not consistent. My sleeping habits aren't consistent. I don't do anything everyday except write in my journal. So yeah. I almost just wish I had my own little apartment with just a little bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. That's all I want. I want to just not be dependent for once. I don't want that dang guilt hanging over my shoulders. It's discouraging.

anyways I need to get to bed gah.

Goodnight everyone.
Have a nice consistent week.

I lost my name in a war

2008-05-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

So I got a journal, finally.
It's got 400 pages in it. So I'm happy for a long while.

In the midst of everything that's been going on lately I think I've mixed up some of my priorities.

Today I opened a jar. A jar that smelt of salt water and clay flowers. The walls began blossoming with details. The ceiling grew vines and flowers. Below me was a sea of people far enough away to look like bugs squirming around anxiously. We were all staring in one direction. There was excitement stirring all around. Stars appeared in front of us and began to make music like angels. I'd like to believe that all of the people were opening jars, like me, in response to the beautiful stories. I drew pictures in my mind with curling lines. I couldn't believe my eyes, but they had never lied to me before, so I trusted them. Everyone trusts their eyes. But I closed them to put something in this jar that I am opening today. I did it just for this reason. So that I could open it later and empower myself with mood-changing abilities. The sounds and stories appeased me. Like remembering an old grandfather that I never got to know. And he sings, "you're the prettiest song I've heard in a while." And I caught it like she did with Ivan in that book I always used to read. And maybe I've come to be too in touch with this world. And after telling myself to get my head out of the clouds for so long, I almost regret it. I'd like to go back up there and visit my friends.

I know that nobody understood that, and well, that was kind of my idea. I haven't written like this in a dog's age and I needed it. It's refreshing and I'm not sure why. I guess it's just one of the mysteries of why God made me the way he did.

705 days.

2008-04-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Well someone told me the other day that someone looked up to me.
It made me happy. It was also very encouraging.
It made me feel like me trying to be who I am is really worth it.
Anyways. The girl who looks up to me, I look up to her to. She's younger than me but I don't think that matters. Anyone can influence anyone. I think that everyone thinks differently. I believe that everyone is different based on what they've been through and how God created them to react and how to take things. Through that we can open new doors to how others think. People are something that really show me how amazing God is. He is an artist. The most amazing one ever. Because honestly all the art in the world is derived from him, from how he created each artist to think and the things they've experienced and the good that God has brought out of every situation in their lives.

Today God helped reassure me that everything will be okay. I sometimes forget that and need a reminder. Today was one of those reminding days.

Today I ate 4 dough nuts, 4 cupcakes, and 2 cookies. I'll regret that later. :p

Anyways I hope everyone looks at things positively this week!

I'm a cat.

2008-04-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

And I'm getting to know myself better lately.

So I'm reading this book Mara lent me called Girl Soldier and I've never realized how much crap was going on in the world. This stuff has been going on all of my life.

I really want people to know about all of this
but you can't exactly just walk up to someone and have a nice conversation with them about things like this.

Kara is a pirate.
Just ask her.

710 days. :]

.

2008-04-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

I was talking to Seth this morning over breakfast or lack thereof. And he said that he wished that he could fast forward the world.

I definitely feel like that right now.

I want to fast forward.
Pretty far forward too.
Maybe 711 days from now

Yeah I counted down the days.
Is that messed up?
well I really don't care.

I'm ready to have my freedom.
I'm sick of being imprisoned.
I know I can't do certain things because of it too.

Mom

2008-04-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to talk about something I haven't talked about in a while. My mom. I think maybe that's why I've been so angry lately. I try to pretend like nothing ever happened and I'm just fine, but something did happen and I'm not fine.

My mom is getting better. It makes me so happy, but it makes me want to see her even more than I already did. My mother is alive again. That's how this feels to me. For a while there it felt like she died. She wasn't herself. She was this overemotional wreck because of freaking alcohol and drugs. She turned into someone that I never knew, someone that I never wanted to know. She's coming back now though. I don't know why or how. Maybe it took her hitting rock bottom to change her. I didn't think she was ever going to come back, but she is! It's a lot to feel. It's kind of overwhelming. I've been crying a lot because of it. It's kind of weird too, cause I don't think I really know why I'm crying besides that I miss her. It reminds me of the boy on the invisible children video that cries because he misses his brother who was kidnapped. He didn't know if his brother was dead or alive at that point.

I talked to my Grandma Rose the other day. I really want to see her. She really is an amazing woman. She sits in front of the television and watches the world go to waste. But she has hope. She has faith and she prays. She prays everyday. And she still values little things. I feel like my mom and my grandma are the only two people in my family that I can relate to on a spiritual scale. And my spirituality is who I am, so they're really the only people I can relate to at all.

Anyways. My mom is taking classes. I think they're some type of alcohol anonymous classes or something of the sort. But she's getting better. I can tell just by talking to her.

Yup she's turning into my mom again. She says she worries about me a lot. She says she watches the news a lot. It reminds me of my grandma. Mom says she sees all of these awful things about girls my age getting kidnapped, raped, beaten, and killed. She says it reminds her of what happened to Tracy. Tracy was my mom's cousin and as a kid, one of my mom's best friends. She was taken as a girl and raped and killed. I think she was 16, but I'm not sure. But yeah my mom's been worrying.

So hopefully I can get my license in mid-August and get a car soon afterward. I'm basically hired as a lifeguard this summer, I just have to pass a class in May and I've got it. My mom is going to be my inspiration. But yeah After I get a car and my license, my first trip will be to Pennsylvania. Hopefully I can go up there Labor Day weekend. I hope Kara or someone will come with me. Maybe I'll be on my own for once. That might be nice too. So yeah I'm ready for next year to start.

Anyways. Things are looking up.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. :]

Sigh.

2008-04-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling where you've always known one thing and then it randomly sinks in?

That happened to me today. I've realized that if I want something I need to sacrifice some things for them, like anything in life. But Yeah I think I might try a little harder with some things. Cause it's cool when people say things that are good, but when they actually do them, then it's so much cooler not to mention really inspiring.

I mean sometimes when I get stressed out about something like school or money I think to myself about God and how much more he matters than any of those things. God is life and if I'm not taking that as seriously as I should and I know it, how can I call myself a Christian. If I choose something over him, how can I say that I really believe in him and in what the bible says?

Anyways I know some people are probably thinking that I should have made this decision a LONG time ago, but I don't care what people think.

I'm going to try to make focusing on God and I mean REALLY focusing on God a habit.

I just need to keep my head on straighter than I normally do.

Man, God is so much deeper than people perceive. I think a lot of people just look at him as the good guy. And he is, bt he is so much more than that.

Anyways I need to go to bed.
So I hope everyone has a good rest of the week!

Indiscribeable bonding.

2008-04-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

So I've noticed in our youth group and among other people the bonds that we share.

Some of my friends I've just recently started to feel the effects of our friendships.

Things have been kind of crazy lately. Mostly busy.
Because the kids in our youth group have been sacrificing themselves. Their time and money. Their lives. They've been striving to make a difference even if they didn't realize that was what they were doing. This is going to be something really big. Things have been changing and I'm very happy about it. I think we all needed a change. And whether we know it or not it's changing us to. It's making us stronger as a group and as individuals.

Nothing can express my excitement about this. I've been so ready for this to happen. This go along with some things that are happening in my life right now. This is real. This is actually influencing real people. Changing real people and real things. Stopping things and starting things. Not just acknowledging them or speaking of them but matching faith and action. Living for God.

Anyways I think we're causing a lot of changes in heart. I think we're encouraging people and making them think. We're making them notice and we're not stopping at that. We're charging full speed ahead into something that will require a lot of time, work, and God to get us through. We've been fortunate thus far about how things have turned out. But I think God is on our side. And that's our biggest support beam.

I've been gaining a lot of love and knowledge from kids lately. Here's something Seth told Kara and I tonight. :]

He said, "When you have a bad day and the rain is on your head, when a dog pukes on your carpet and your head gets chopped off, you gotta freak out!"

And I couldn't have said it better myself. :]

Have an amazing week everyone!

To understand.

2008-04-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of understanding.

I understand that most people don't know what they're doing.
And I'm trying my hardest to respect that, because I sometimes don't know what I'm doing either.

Anyways I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do when I grow up. Well I mean I already know what I'm going to do, but I want to do a lot of things.

I want to be a missionary. Mostly because God is the only thing worth living for. AND because I want to make a significant difference in the life of people who are grateful and who don't know about God.

I also want to adopt kids. But it makes me think that when I get done with my missions work or when I come back home, I would be too old to start a family... So I have no idea what God has in store for me there. :\

But yeah maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself.

Scattered Thoughts.

2008-04-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

So the whole trying to say what I think and not caring what people think thing is going pretty well. I think it eliminates a lot of confusion.

Anyways I was kind of worried about the concert this weekend, but it turned out great! It went a lot better than I expected it to and we raised a lot of money. I also found out this morning that we raised over $6,000 for the 30 hr famine!

Anyways, this morning in youth group we talked about abortion. There was a unanimous agreement that abortion was wrong. But people seemed to have different opinions about under what circumstances and what not. I really thought much about it all until this morning and always thought that abortion was wrong and that was it. I never really put myself in someone else's shoes and considered why people do it. So this morning I determined that my opinion stayed the same. I believe abortion is wrong under any circumstance, but I also understand where people are coming from. My opinion is that in life you get things thrown at you that you didn't ask for. A 16 year-old girl could get raped and become pregnant and have a lot of problems because of it or a 7 year-old girl's parents could fight and drink all the time and eventually get a divorce and that would cause a lot of problems in her life as well. A girl's dad could have cancer and not want to go to the doctor to get treated for it and the whole family might suffer. In any case it's unpreventable on the girl's part. The girl may suffer the consequences, but none of it was her fault. I think that all you can do is deal with it. I mean that's why there are ways to get help. I mean accidental or unplanned pregnancies is what adoption was made for.

But I don't believe that we (as humans) have the right to determine weather someone will live or die and that's that. We have no right to play God.

Anyways. I think everyone in my youth group knows me as the girl who gets really worked up about children who suffer in third world countries and would adopt all of Uganda if she could. Which makes me happy. :p

ANYWAYS. wow I'm really bouncing from subject to subject. I was listening to Dennis's sermon this morning and it made me think about how much stuff that people here in America really need and how much stuff we are seriously convinced that we need. Honestly if we really only used money for the things we needed then we would have a ton left over. I just think it's kind of crazy about how convinced we are of stuff that we don't need. One thing that I think I don't need as much as I think I do is clothes. I mean I have plenty of clothes. And the reason I think I need more is because I'm dissatisfied with how they look or fit me. How retarded, right?! But Yeah I hardly wear half the clothes I own, so why do I need more?

Anyways I'm out of space in my journal and don't have the time or money to go get a new one just yet, so I'll probably possibly be blogging a little more until I get one :p

So I hope everyone has a fantastic week! :D

homesick

2008-04-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

I've found that everyone, not just me, has a fear of not knowing what they're talking about.

I'll be completely honest.

I don't know much.

I like to pretend like I do though.

In effort to rid myself of this fear, I try to talk a lot without thinking much of what I'm going to say. Especially in youth group.

Maybe that's why people don't usually say what they think?

Out of fear of being wrong. But wouldn't it be better to feel stupid but be aware than to not know at all?

This weekend there is no stupid question. I know people say that all the time but everyone knows it's just cause they think they're supposed to.

Like I said earlier I usually don't know what I'm talking about, but I think I'm going to let my curiosity get the best of me now. I think it will be easier for me to learn that way.

Let's see how this goes.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Me being upset about some things. :\

2008-03-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

So I hadn't talked to my dad all weekend. Which I enjoyed cause usually when we talk he makes me feel bad about one thing or another and we get into a fight, but anyways. He got mad at me cause my family wanted to have cake and ice cream on Sunday after church for my birthday. Well at first I was like sure, that would be cool, whatever. THEN I remembered I had plans and to meet with the schools for schools committee thing. So I called him back and asked if we could do it Monday or something. And my goodness. How inflexible can you be? Whatever though. I only have to take his crap for another 2 years. It's so discouraging to live with people who just have a completely different mindset than you. He gets mad cause I put church before family, but my church is my real family. They're just family cause they have to be. Or cause they think they're supposed to be.

Anyways. Here's what I really wanted to blog about.

I read about someone who was really motivated about something that had to do with saving energy. That seems like something I would have gotten so fired up about like 6 months ago. Now I think, what's the point. I mean honestly, saving energy is good, yeah. But when it comes down to it, what's the point? things are going to happen and nature will run it's course. Everything that is supposed to happen will eventually happen. So why waste all your efforts on preserving nature. I guess that sounds kind of pessimistic. And don't get me wrong, preserving nature is def. a good thing, but I guess what I'm saying is, how good of a thing is it really?

I went to the church tonight to help finish the floors. We watched the invisible children video. For the past couple of months I've been really inspired to do something about kids who have a really hard time surviving in third word countries.

And I don't know I just guess it seems so unimportant comparatively.

But I guess people have their own causes that they're passionate and I just don't understand.

So the last night in youth group I got really worked up about something that has to do with this. JP said something about how if murder is wrong then how can God order entire populations to be killed? So I was saying something about how, for example, someone like Joseph Kony would be better for the world if he was dead. And someone started saying something like so what if I wanted to kill someone in the youth group and if I would think killing them was okay. And it made me pretty mad cause I mean the man is ruining tons of lives every day. How can you even compare the two situations?! Whatever though. I realized later that that person probably didn't disagree with me too much they just wanted to argue or get attention or pretend like they were making a really good point or something.

anyways I think I get upset too much over people. Because they don't know what they're doing. I don't a lot either. But yeah. :]

So there's my blog since it's been a little while.

I hope everyone has a good week!

Bussss.

2008-03-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

There's this girl who rides my bus.
Her lips are always stained with red Kool-aid.
If you risk looking at her, she talks to you.
A lot.

There's this boy on my bus.
He thinks turtles can't live out of water.
I told him he was wrong.
He told me I was wrong.

There's this guy on my bus.
He hardly ever talks.
He sits in my seat when I'm not there.

There's this girl on my bus.
She wears jeans with big holes in the knees.
She's so skinny it looks like her clothes are about to fall off of her.
I think it's the look that she's going for.

We got a new bus today.
I like it because it's clean.

I hope everyone has a good spring break.

Beginning to loosen up.

2008-03-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Okay so this weekend was the 30 hour famine. It was really good for me.
I really changed my perspective on a lot of things that you would think it wouldn't.
For instance, there was a sheet that John gave us with a bunch of stuff on it.
One of the statistics says that basic education for the WHOLE WORLD would cost about 6 billion dollars a year, while 8 BILLION dollars is spent on cosmetics in the UNITED STATES ALONE!

That is absolute madness.

People in America are so absorbed by their physical appearance that they will go to great lengths to cover their faces in powder and spend hours every day concerning themselves with whether it's still there or not. Now I've worn make-up and changed clothes seven times in the morning and looked in the mirror several times hoping that the net time I looked I would be as pretty as someone else. And I realize now how dumb that is. I mean why does it matter? Who am I kidding? Who am I trying to impress? No matter how many times I look into the mirror and no matter how much make-up I put on my face, it's who I am that really matters. All this suction of appearance is so worldly. I really think thats one way I can try to be in this world, but not of it. Now I'm not saying it's wrong to want to look nice, I'm not saying it's wrong to wear make-up, but to be consumed or concerned with it is so twisted. I'm learning to be more loose with this. I should definitely be more grateful that I have clothes on my back rather than what they look like, or how much they cost, or how many of them I have.

So I went to a Greg Adkins concert tonight and to tell you the truth, I didn't think I would like it. But I really enjoyed it and am very glad that I did go. So I'm going to quote some lyrics of his cause I think it really goes along with what I'm talking about.

"I’m not going to see your romantic comedy
I can never compete with that movie screen
Every time that we kiss there won’t be a symphony"

It's true.
JP was talking about how romance movies and novels are really bad for girls cause they higher their expectations and it makes them think that if things don't happen like they have been brainwashed into thinking it should, then it must not be anything special. Which is completely wrong.

But anyways, I've changed my perspective a lot because of this weekend.
Things last week weren't so great at all, but this weekend has slapped me in the face with reality. Which, as bad as it sounds, is actually good. :D :D

Things are looking up for me. Some lyrics that Cody posted on his latest blog were really uplifting and comforting for me. It makes me think that things are going to be alright as long as God is here for me. :]

So I hope everyone has a fabulous week!

Anger.

2008-03-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

I had the worst fit of anger I think I have ever had last night.
I honestly had no one good reason to be that angry.
It was a bunch of things, mostly my fault.
Which is even more frustrating.
I really am trying.
It's hard to just suddenly stop doing something and start doing something completely different.

But yeah, this rage inside of me was crazy.
It made me want to throw up.
So I did...
And honestly it was kind of relieving.

I really felt like there was some monster inside my stomach.
It felt like it was breathing fire and it made me feel like I was going to breathe fire too.
It made me want to break my own fingers.

This is the worst my anger has ever been.
I've actually never felt like this before.

I scared myself.
But on the way home I wanted to jump out of the car while we were on the interstate.
I just felt like if I did everything would go away.

I knew better though.

Anyways
Now everyone probably thinks I'm a freak.
I honestly don't care.
If you think I'm a freak, don't read my blog.
It's not that hard.

So this weekend was pretty busy.
I still had a lot of time to think though.
When I start back at school tomorrow, it will be March.
I only have to go to school 11 days in march because of the band trip, spring break, good Friday, and some other random things. But yeah.

Kara's 16th birthday is in 8 days.
:D :D

AND the 30 hour famine is this weekend.
:D :D

This week is going to require a lot of prayer.
I hope everyone's week is great.

Shocked.

2008-02-25T15:57:00.000-08:00

So a friend lent me a book that she got at a convention a few weeks ago. The book is called "Mission Possible" and it's about a woman who makes a decision to go to Papua New Guinea and try to communicate God's word to some of the people there. Well I only started reading the book in 6th period today and already, I am shocked and inspired.

I'm only on chapter 3 and I've already discovered how painfully uneducated people in different cultures are.

Okay so this woman, Marilyn, goes to Hauna, Papua New Guinea with another Bible translator named Judy. Among the first few days there, they wake to some sort of ceremony going on across the river. They get in a canoe and paddle across the river to see what was going on. When they get over there they realize that it's some type of funeral like thing and a man's young boy had died and was being buried. Everyone was sobbing loudly. Marilyn inched towards the hole where his body was lying to take a look. The people didn't seem to mind much so she went ahead and looked. The boy's hand moved up and he touched himself on the chin. THE BOY WAS BREATHING! Suddenly the Hauna's paramount leader stepped forward and Marilyn stepped back in defense. She didn't know what to do but whenever the first shovel of dirt was thrown into the hole Marilyn had to say something. She sprang forward and shouted that they couldn't bury the boy and that he was alive but just in a coma. The leader finally said something to her in a language she couldn't understand but his tone, facial expressions, and gestures conveyed a "You shut up! You don't know anything!" type of attitude. She didn't know what to do. She kept asking her partner Judy why they were burying him and telling her that they had to do something to help the boy. But they could do nothing. See these people believed that the throat was all of what life or death meant. They thought that if you stopped talking or responding to life around you, you were to be pronounced dead.

Can you believe this. I mean not just the fact that these people are so ignorant that they don't understand what life and death are, but can you imagine watching a boy being buried alive and not being able to do anything about it?! And I'm sure it happens a lot more than we know! It's crazy how people think and how the mind works.

So I was sitting in my sixth period horrified as I read this and the bell rings. I got to a good stopping point and put my bookmark in the book closed it and began to walk down the hall. Before I read this I didn't realize how awful people's circumstances are sometimes. I thought about how things like this probably happened all the time and I was just so unaware of it. As I walked down the hall I looked at all of the people. Some were enjoying themselves, talking to their friends, and all in all just being American kids. I wanted to scream "DON'T YOU ALL UNDERSTAND?! WHY ISN'T ANYONE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?!" but I knew that if I did that, everyone would probably just think I was insane, if they already don't think that. But it's just hard to think that these people are ignorant too. They just don't know and it's not something I think that you can just tell people and they understand. I think that a lot of how you respond to things depends on what you've been through and how connected you are with God. So despite the fact that I can usually relate to most people and try to have an open mind about things, not everyone is like that and I've got to remember that everyone thinks differently and has been through different things.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week.

Hope.

2008-02-21T17:39:00.000-08:00

I've been reading this book called "Faith that Breathes." It's a sort of devotional\book\journal type of thing given to me from a friend. I've really enjoyed it thus far. It's very thought provoking. It quotes scripture at the beginning of each daily devotion.

"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him."

-Matthew 4:18-20

Now, I've heard this a lot before. But today when I read this it was just one of those things that kind hits you in the face all of the sudden.

Lately I've been kind of struggling with what God has planned for me. Cause I mean I know what God wants for my life, at least I'm pretty sure. But I keep asking myself the same question. How? How is all of this going to happen?

Mr. Williamson was yelling a lot today in band and It really bothers us new band office girls. I think it's fair to say that he frightens us a bit, but all of this is besides the point. Anyway, I guess the band wasn't doing what they were supposed to be doing but he stopped to give a brief sort of inspirational speech, at least I thought it was inspirational. He said he had been listening to the radio the other day and they were talking about hope. Some guy called in and said that hope had gotten him through his whole life. Mr. Williamson seemed to both agree and disagree with this guy. Williamson went on to say that hope was always good, but if it's all you have it doesn't get you very far. You can't just hope for things to happen, you've got to make them happen.

Now usually Mr. Williamson doesn't say much to me besides "twirl harder", but as odd as it seems I feel like all of that was meant to happen. I think God wanted me to hear this. I had been talking to someone about this just last night and was praying about it as well. It seems like it almost happened too soon. But I guess I had to realize this soon and the verse I quoted earlier just kind of pulled everything together.

I've realized that I do hope for things to work out, for things to be right, and for them to go well. I hope all the time for the best in most situations. Up until now that has seemed to work every time, but I think it's gotten to the point where I have to not only hope but do what is necessary. I mean Jesus just walked up to these guys and says come and follow me for the rest of your lives. Stop everything you're doing and come with me. Where? I'm not so sure they knew, but it says at once they left their nets and followed him.

It hit me that I've been asking too many questions and not putting enough faith in God. Which is strange for me because usually having faith is my strong spot. But it's not as easy to just have faith that everything will be okay. I'm trying hard because this doubtfulness is derived from the world and from statistical reality. It's hard to just let go of all of it though. I am trying. It is getting better. :]

I hope everyone has a pleasant weekend.

I need to finish knitting my scarf.

2008-02-18T17:49:00.000-08:00

Okay so I really love stuffed animals, for those of you who don't know. I collect them. This one is my favorite right now. It's the Christmas version of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. haha thats such an awful name for a show. But anyways, He's been washed twice which is weird cause I hardly ever let my stuffed animals get dirty. So yeah I thought I'd give some explanation for the picture.

Okay so I'm really excited about the next few months.

I mean the 30 hour famine is next weekend :D :D I'm so so so so excited about it. Plus they will have more info up about the trip by then. Which will be cool.

Also the band banquet is coming up...I need to pay for that soon.

AND Kara's birthday is in like 3 weeks :D
She'll be 16! and My 16th birthday is not far off from hers! :D
We'll both be 16!
gah. :]

AND the Band Trip is also in about 3 weeks, and the first place we're going is UTC for a concert festival. So I might get to see my sister for the first time since Christmas. :D

Spring break is in like a month too.

I'm excited for the next few months but dreading summer. But maybe it won't be all that bad.

So today I was standing in a big cold garage, alone, and painting. A single space heater was the loudest thing I could hear. I accidentally got paint on my shoe. So when I'm all by myself doing something like this I begin to think. About anything and everything. For some unknown reason, I thought of how whenever me and Kara would go to a store whether it be in Turkey Creek or Food City, we would just be walking along and she would point to some old man and say, "Hey Hannah, there's your boyfriend."

When I thought of this it made me laugh a lot. So I thought I'd share a happy memory. :p

Anyway.
I've been reading a lot lately. Well most people might not consider it a lot, but for me it is...it's kind of weird though.

Anyways :D
I hope everyone has a good week.
Sorry that this wasn't much of a blog. :p

Maybe, this time

2008-02-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

I've been sick all weekend. :p
Kleenexes are amazing. And even though I've been sick all weekend, I've still had a really good weekend. :]

Okay so I'm going to go ahead and start you off with the basics. RCHS has a new principal this year (Mr.Dill) and in my opinion, he's done a lot to help our school. Also, he hates band...okay hate is kind of a strong word but once I explain this I think you'll understand.

Our school this yeah has been doing a lot of this to improve academically. For instance, we're in the process of upgrading our curriculum and all grades took tests at the beginning of the year to help with the ACTs. Also, there is Freshman academy, which has been in affect since last year. I was in freshman academy, and have yet to find the purpose for it. but that's besides my point.

This problem that I'm talking about really starts with the "No Child Left Behind Act". Through this our school has been required to set a goal for the percent they're going to graduate each year. Okay so this is a good cause but the way they've gone about trying to solve it, in my opinion, is completely stupid. Sorry if I'm offending anyone. Anyway, the graduation percentage, well the school failed to meet requirements by 0.2%. POINT TWO PERCENT. Okay our goal was around 80 something percent. If we miss our requirement for another year the school goes on some list which means the government can come in and fire all of the staff and rehire an all new staff. (although I wish they would just go ahead and do that now)

So Mr.Dill decides to take action. We have this new "retake" policy. Students who make below a 75 on a test can has the opportunity to retake the test. The teachers have to get the students to fill our all the dumb forms that say whether or not they're going to retake the test. THEN they have to fill out a bunch of forms themselves, get another test and take all the forms to the office and the office send them to Mr. Dill. They they have to go get the forms back after Mr.Dill has looked at them or whatever he does. Then the student has to retake the test before the following Wednesday of when the test was handed out. They have about 3 opportunities to do this, Tuesdays during study session, Thursdays after study sessions, or after school, which some teachers aren't staying for. Then after the test has been retaken the teacher has to grade it. The highest grad that the policy allows the student to make is a 75. Thus making the whole policy practically pointless. Then the teacher has to average all the grades of that particular student with the new test grade.

So to sum it all up our school's new policy is a pointless inconvenience for everybody, teachers, students, and staff, and encourages passing with a D. Therefore making a high school diploma way less significant. Not to mention how much this takes away from the students, like me, who actually try and whose grades matter at least a little bit to them. Since the teachers have to take so much time out of their schedule to do this, many of them are no longer trying as hard to teach because they're so busy with this stupid new policy. A lot of them are making classes way easier and now making zeros gets you detention. Which is really annoying to me because I can afford a zero in a lot of my classes because I put effort into most of my work. But now I have to do every assignment even if I do a really bad job on it. Which I guess is good in a way, but it's also very unfair to me.

All this because some one had the idea of having 100% of students graduate high school (which is mathematically impossible). So this begs the question, Why can students do what they want. This is a problem that is impossible to solve so why can we come to school and make the grades that we want?

Oh.
Sorry for all of the complaining.
I hope everyone has a good weekend!

I sat in the cupboard and wrote it down real neat.

2008-02-05T15:55:00.001-08:00

Today was a beautiful day. Which really helped me a lot. It's been really hard for me to look on the positive side of things lately. Really hard.

I know that when I say this everyone will think I'm dumb and I'm just wishing my life away, but hear me out.

I wish it was next school year. I honestly wouldn't mind much if I skipped this summer.
Honestly the ONLY thing I will be doing all summer is working. I'm earning enough money in this summer alone to pay my dad half the money that he should sell his car for. However, if I worked 11 hours EVERYDAY this summer, which I won't, I STILL wouldn't have enough money to buy the car from him. Plus I owe him about $300 right now. bleh. I WILL DO THIS. haha I think I'm going to start applying for jobs soon. Maybe I can get my dad to take me job hunting on Friday or sometime net week or something.

Oh well though. Maybe things will work out better than I can hope. :D
(that's me trying to be positive.)

Haha. So I'm making some changes. I'm going to start waking up early and exercising. I'm also going to start eating healthier and only 3 times a day. No eating after dinner. And I'm going to cut down on soft drinks big time. So I'm setting a lot of new goal kind of things. Anyway.

I feel like I've been really busy lately, but I really haven't. I've been worried about a lot of things lately too. Which I shouldn't be. I just need to calm down and breathe.

so I hope everyone has a great week. :D

It's all in your head.

2008-02-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

I think I have a minor case of OCD. But I guess that can be good sometimes. Anyway. Kara and I got mail from World vision a few days ago. We wrote our first letter to Sandra. We are going to send them sometime before Tuesday. We also sent her some stickers and a little handmade bracelet. I'm very anxious to hear from her. However it will probably be around 2-4 months until we get anything back. :\ Oh well though.

So I don't really have much that I want to blog about today, but I do have a cute little story with a bit of a lesson thingy. :]

Okay so I was sitting at the table this morning (it was actually around noon) and I was eating breakfast. Seth was sitting across the table drawing a picture of "the family." So he looked up at Billy and said, "Dad I can't draw your glasses, there's not enough space." So I was over analyzing this and started thinking about the thinks I am capable of and the things I accomplish every day. I wish I could do more than I do in a day or a lifetime, but there's not always enough time. And a lot of things take time. So I just need to go one goal at a time. Things seem to turn out a lot better if they are focused on more. I know that doesn't seem to make much sense, most things that I say probably don't, but I just think that if I focus on one thing and mainly on that goal, it's a lot likelier to happen. Plus the more things I have to do the less likely I am to forget about things.

So tonight I'm going to the teacher appreciation banquet to help babysit. Hopefully it will better my skills with kids. :]

So I hope everyone has a good day! :D

You're so outta control. You gotta be more in control.

2008-01-30T18:44:00.000-08:00

So I had an epiphany today.
I know this sounds crazy and I know this is a really big dream to shoot for, but with God, anything is possible! :D

I've decided that when I grow up I want to got to Johnson Bible collage and be a missionary. I want to go to Africa and help build a school and teach there for a while.
Then to tie it all in with my dream of being a writer I want to write about the whole experience!

My goodness. I'm so excited.
I truly believe in myself this time and I know that with the right encouragement and attitude I can do this! :D

So I heard about this whole Study Tour with World Vision and I'm ready to try for it!
BUT I'm not just going to try for it, I'm going to do it!
I'm just way too excited to write right now.

God is SO amazing!

As we seek, you're fire fall down on us, we pray.

2008-01-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

So I've moved from Ecclesiastes to Song of songs. Yeah, I know love, graphic, whatever you want to say about it. I like it.

Anyways it gets me thinking.

OK so I'm in high school and this is basically how it works. Drama, relationships, and more drama, then the occasional essay. Pretty much everyone makes everything about relationships. And I mean romantic relationships if you could call it that at this age. On one of the little side notes in my Bible it said that Jewish Rabbis believed that no one should read Song of Songs until they were at last 30. I beg to differ. It makes me think a lot.

When I read through it I can't help but think, wow, nobody could ever be so in love with anyone like this today. It just doesn't happen(or it does and never lasts).

But all throughout the book one phrase is repeated over and over again that really stuck out to me.

The girl says,

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"

I guess I've heard things like this before in my life, but for some reason it's like now I get it, you know? Now I understand.

In high school we tend to go around searching in any attempt to find this "love" thing that everyone talks about. The thing is, love and time go hand in hand in my opinion.

And that's half of what I think this verse is saying.
Now for all of you who know me well, you probably know that I tend to ALWAYS have hope. So it's really weird for me to say I have no hope for love. At least no anytime soon. And it might be kind of difficult to picture or something, but I have to learn to face the facts.

There is SO much more to life than love. I mean right now it's most likely not going to happen so why is this the time where you focus on it the most?! There are so many more important thing to deal with and to think about and to try for now.

A lot of times I feel like I'm too young to make a difference. However, I don't truly believe that.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

-1 Timothy 4:12

Today I realized that I don't really have anyone that looks down on me because I'm young. The only person looking down on me because I'm young is MYSELF!

I always have doubts about myself and what I can do.
But I'm ready to let all of it go.

:]

I guess everybody's week must have been pretty rough.

2008-01-27T10:04:00.000-08:00

So lately I've been drinking a lot of coffee.
I don't know if that's very good for me or not...

Something I've been really pumped about lately is the 30 hour famine.
I've been so ready to do something. To make a difference.
I seems like lately everyone has been saying the some thing.
I need to do something and through TCTC and individual people weather it be Denis preaching a sermon, something from the Bible, or just me and Kara mentioning it, I've been inspired to do something.

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend. You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.

In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

-James 2:14-26

So with this whole 30 hour famine thing sparked some interest in me and I went to their website. I read a bunch of blogs, and random stuff. I eventually was led to a child sponsorship page and I talked to Kara about it.

She immediately agreed. Together, we're now sponsoring a little girl in Peru named Sandra.
:]

It makes me so happy to know that I'm actually going to make some sort of a difference, but I could do so much more. So I'm going to keep trying.

Anyways I plan on researching a bunch of stuff on Peru and am really looking forward to getting more information on all of this.

I hope everyone has a good week!

Letter to myself.

2008-01-24T18:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Hannah,
I've known you for 15 years and never before have I seen you so terrified.

I remember what you went through. You NEVER want to go through it again.

It's like you're hiking up a big beautiful snow covered mountain and you haven't even put your boots on yet.

See you could see it's beauty and want so badly to go to the top for the view.
But what if you fell.
All the way down.
And broke every bone in your body.

Okay. So maybe that's a bit drastic.

Just think to yourself.
Are you just being way too scared like you always seem to do, or are you actually sane for taking some precautions?

Love,
yourself. :]

*****

blaaah.

So I've never written a letter to myself before. But it was fun.

I think I'm going to start posting letters on my blogger more often.

*****

I've decided that I dislike going to walmart.
For some unknown reason I find it depressing.

*****

So maybe I should stop being afraid of everything.
Sometimes I remind myself of the lady in The Series of Unfortunate Events books.
Aunt Josephine.
She's afraid of everything and lives in a house on the edge of a cliff on the brink of destruction. It makes no sense at all. I remember being so aggravated with her while I was reading it. I found myself exclaiming "idiot" several times while reading it. And I hate to think that I'm an idiot. haha Ironically being stupid is one of my worst fears.

So since it's silly for me to constantly fear everything, I'm going to make a list of everything that I'm afraid of and slowly get to the point where I can overcome most of the fears that I list. YAY lists!

I think I'll start tomorrow. after I finish my list. :]
Wish me luck.

Your sorry. You said it yourself and we believe you.

2008-01-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

So today I didn't have school.
At first it was delayed 2 hours so I decided to make a big breakfast.
I usually just don't eat breakfast so I was excited.
I made some bacon and thought I should pour some of the grease out before I made the eggs. So I thought to myself, if I poured this in a disposable container I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning it out after it sat out and stuff.
I forgot one thing though. THE GREASE WAS VERY HOT.
I made a poor decision and poured it into a styrofoam bowl...(however I did think to use two bowls in case it melted the first one) However, it melted through both bowls and in my attempt to catch the melting styrofoam/grease mess on a plate I burnt my thumb. It pretty much just feels numb right now. haha

Anyways those 2 hours went by rather quickly and I was recognized as stupid for most of the morning. I do many stupid things. lol :p

So Then I found out that school was canceled and thought that I should do something productive.

I got out my bible and went to where I had stopped reading in Ecclesiastes.

For me this book is both depressing and reassuring.

Basically Solomon knew that life was pretty much meaningless and for most of the book he goes on about how everything is meaningless and just a chasing of the wind.

I remember a long while ago whenever Dennis preached a sermon talking about happiness and he mentioned a lot of stuff from Ecclesiastes. It was one of the things that really inspired me to get baptized and start living my life for God. But that's besides the point.

so to sum up the meaning of life...(42) :]

"Obey the king's command, I say, because you took an oath before God."
-Ecclesiastes 8:2

"So I command the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat, drink, and be glad."
-Ecclesiastes 8:15

"So I reflected on this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him."
-Ecclesiastes 9:1

Now I always grew up wanting to be great and successful in the eyes of the world.

This was a slap in my face.

Basically all I can do in life is what's right and enjoy the ride. I mean I never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Despite what I thought, nobody knows what is going to happen in the future. Everyone says that bad things happen to good people. The result of the way we live our live might not always be what you expect. I mean just look at Job, he was a righteous man and good in God's eyes and he went through a ton of really hard things even though he didn't deserve it.

Lately I've been hearing everyone talk about happiness and how to be happy and why people should be happy and stuff.

Well my life is my life.

"What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on it's way"
-Fiona Apple

I totally agree with this and I mean what's the point in being angry and upset?

"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit
for anger resides in the lap of fools."
-Ecclesiastes 7:9

Holding grudges is pointless to me. I mean I know people are going to say and do things that will upset me, but most of the time they don't mean to. I know this because I'm the same way. There will be people in my life who will accept me and there will be people who won't.
There will be people who hate me and people who love me.
There will be people who hold grudges against me and there will be people who will forgive me. But I just have to not worry about it.

Which brings me back to a Bob Marley song. :]

Have a wonderful day.

you're locked up in a world thats been planned out for you

2008-01-18T17:56:00.000-08:00

So basically I'm done trying to control my life.
I find that if I plan everything out I'm wasting my time because it will turn out how it will.
I will go where I will.
I've gotten to the point where I feel like never holding back anything.
I mean I'm about to put myself out there.
I am me.
So what's the use in me trying to do or be anything more or less.
hm.

So Frank Sinatra puts me in a good mood. :]
seriously.
it's like even without the music. Just some of the lyrics make me smile.

Anyways.
So I've been thinking lately about things and what they mean.
Does everything have a meaning?
Think about that.
EVERY LITTLE THING.
or do things just happen.

I am curious.
To know what everything means if it means anything at all.
I mean what if it means something that I have brown eyes?
I just want to know why some of the things happened that have happened, you know?
Like why things are the way they are.
I mean why am I in Kingston?
Why am I a girl?
Why do people not like certain foods?
I'm just curious.
But I guess I'll never know.
At least not in this lifetime.
hm.

I was thinking about a lot today and I thought about death.
Then I thought about me dying.
If I died, What had I left behind?
What did I do?
Did I change, influence, or make any difference at all?
I honestly don't know.
I want to make things better. Whatever they are, but I need freedom and responsibilities to do some of the things that I want to do.
So I guess I need to have a little patience.
I mean I want to go.
Somewhere.
Anywhere.
I want to do good things everywhere.
I want to paint this world bright colors and help people have better lives.
There is so much to our lives.
There is so much we don't know.
Things we a re missing the point about every time.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't know but whatever it is I want to do it so badly.
I want to know. I want to change things. Make a difference.
Otherwise I'd consider myself a waste of space, a waste of breath, and a waste of anything else I'm using.
Man I really want to experience life I want to hear everyone's life story.
I want to get out there and do something.
man.

Sometime soon.

2008-01-09T14:08:00.000-08:00

So TCTC is in like 2 days. I'm so excited about it!
But something that has really brought me is that we can't draw with chalk this year. We had so much fun! gah it made me so mad whenever they told us that we couldn't do that this year.
I really miss last year.
looking back on it makes me want to change everything back to how it was. :p
anyway I've been really good lately.
I got this thing back today from that PLAN test.
It was supposed to prepare me for the ACT and help give me some help on career options and such, which is something I'd really like some advise on if anyone wants to help me out.
Anyway it really stressed me out again.
There's all this pressure to know what you want to be when you grow up and I feel like if I don't figure it out soon, then I'll end up being nothing.
I have no idea what my future holds.

I've heard and read over and over again that God is leading my footsteps and that it's only my sophomore year and that I shouldn't worry and stuff, but I do. I'm just scared.
Of everything. :p

So I think that I only made a few unhealthy food choices today, which is good. I'm trying to eat healthier. Not because I think I need a diet, but I was listening to the radio the other day and some guy was interviewing this doctor and he was naming off all of these foods (most of which I regularly eat) that would have really bad effects on your health and your body and whatnot. It scared me. lol So I'm trying to eat healthier now. Plus I hardly ever go to the doctors and so I figured if something was wrong with me I probably wouldn't find out until it was too late. :p

So yeah.
Just thought I'd update a little bit.
I could write more but I don't want to cause Kara just came home and I want to see her new haircut! :D

First blog of the new year.

2008-01-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

It is 2008.
That's so weird.

Anyway.
For most of 2008 I've been confused.
About a lot of stuff.
I've been confused about what I do and what I'm supposed to do.
I've been confused about my feelings.
I've been confused about other peoples feelings.
I've been confused about other people's actions.
and all in all I've just been confused.

I'd say that this year has started off right.
I only had one resolution and so far I've done pretty well with it.
But when I think about it. I shouldn't have just started doing these things this year.
And January 1st was just like every other day of my life.

Time shouldn't hold me back.
I think I'm going to stop checking the time so much.
Maybe that will help loosen time's grip on me.

wish me luck.

2007-12-25T20:35:00.000-08:00

I pretty much feel like crap right now.
It's pretty much been the worst Christmas I've ever had today, which is a big letdown cause Christmas is pretty much my favorite day of the year.
Anyway.
I really feel helpless.
I think that I've actually gotten to the point where I'm not going to try too hard to make things better cause it seems to just makes things worse.
I've ceased to put any more of myself into things.
like Fiona Apple says, "Whats happened has happened and whats coming is already on its way." All I can do is be here.
Time will pass and life will happen.
I cannot slow it down or speed it up. I obviously can't ever do anything right so what's the use in trying when the outcome is always painful.
I felt lost today.
I felt like I wasn't in my own head.
but that's the only place I was all day.
thinking to myself, just being there.
I'm done trying to impress people. I'm done trying to make people think I'm something I'm not.
People can feel how they want to about me, but I'm just going to be me.
I don't care if people get mad at me.
Unless they're really close to me.
I've come to terms with the fact that I can't make everyone happy.
If I could then, hey, that'd be awesome, but I can't.
And I'm sick of trying.
I'm so ready to do something.
To change something.
I want to be me but stay inside my own head. Anytime I say what I think, it turns out in a ton of pain.
I'm going to learn how to control myself.
I'm going to listen and observe, not talk.
I won't talk to anyone but myself and kara, who is basically my other half...I guess...(but how can I have another half if both Kara and I are already whole? I guess it's just something people say...)
So I'm am going to officially stop blogging as a kick off of me keeping things to myself. Because blogging is a way of publicly expressing your thoughts.
I mean I have a journal, and that is so much better than a blog cause I'm talking to myself so I don't ever have to watch what I say or beat around the bush or anything.
I mean maybe I'll occasionally blog about nice things like what I did today, but as of the end of this blog, no more opinions about anything.
And if I have a question to ask or an answer to give then I'm going to be blunt because I'm sick of trying to mind people's feelings and I know that's probably wrong but they asked me a question so they should expect me to give them a truthful answer.

I'm also sick of being complicated. I no longer want anyone to know what I really think or what I truly feel except for myself and Kara.

So there it goes guys. The beginning to a new attitude.
I hope this works okay.
if it doesn't then for those of you who care, there will probably be another blog up here sometime soon. :\

me, being pathetic.

2007-12-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

the pain.
they cry.
My skin crawls at the thought of it.
Oh, I would do ANYTHING
if I could.
IF
My soul adhering to the idea
pure happiness
I guess the feeling is ceaseless
My high hopes will always be violently thrust back at me
I've changed my mind.
the worst is now helplessness
you can do nothing
abandonment
it would seem that I'd like to drain my soul of all hope
for the hurt
but for some unknown reason it won't let go
My hope is never lost
but will continue to agonize me
this is not my misfortune.
the bittersweet feeling of it all
they're taken
so far away.
I need this
it's so painful to think about
it going away
it not being there
God, what would I do?!
Power
They have it
they don't seem to know it.
consider.
use what you have for the good of those you love
for their happiness
my efforts seem to be redundant
but for what its worth, I'm trying.
I'm so drained
collapsing at every opportunity
its almost over
it won't be so bad for too long
LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING
you're throwing stones too, Hannah.
you're making things worse.
I can't find him.
he's distant.
please come back
I need you.
help me
Please.

Thanksgiving.

2007-11-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

So Thanksgiving is coming up.
People seem to make a bigger deal out of the food than what the holiday is really all about.

Yet I'm sure you've all heard this before.
Thanksgiving is when you give thanks.
Hence the name "Thanksgiving."

So I figured I'd take up some of the space on my blogger to tell what all I'm thankful for and how greatly I'm blessed.

So for all of you who don't know, I have a best friend. haha. Her name is Kara and she is pretty much one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Kara really came into my life about 2 years ago. I'm pretty sure in was close to the end of spring. I had just started coming back to church as a result of someone who I used to call my boyfriend. :p She just came up and talked to me one day and we haven't stopped talking ever since. She is the only friend that I've had who is ALWAYS there for me, has been for almost 2 years now, and will continue to be for the rest of my life. She has been the most inspiring person in my life. If it wasn't for her I seriously doubt I'd be even half as close to God, or even a third of how happy I am today. She is one of the most intelligent, caring, thoughtful, and loving people that I've ever known. She is pretty much the closest to me as anyone has ever been. I feel like she was someone God planned to use to bring me closer to him and has been that way thus far. :p So there's one thing I'm UBER thankful for.

Another thing I'm thankful for is the Gunters. I feel like another one of them. I know that they all love me so much and they're probably the closest thing to a functional family that I've ever had. It's been really hard for me growing up practically motherless but now I have two families supporting me and it's one of the best things anyone could ever ask for. The Gunters have been the most supportive, caring, disciplining, influencing, sacrificing, and loving people to me pretty much ever. Even though they have quite a large immediate family I feel love for and from each one of them and I will always be endlessly thankful for that.

The next thing I'm going to say I'm thankful for is my friends. I have amazing friends. I'm so thankful for Cody who, to me, is a very giving caring person. Cody is one of the best friends I have and he is one of the best at listening to what I have to say. Then there is Jessy. Jessy is an amazing girl. She is so caring and is always there for me when I need her. She's like a walking support beam. She is one of many people I know who help me get through my everyday life. She's great at relating to me and knows a lot of what I've been through. Of course Mara. Mara is one of the nicest people I've ever met. She is so genuinely caring, giving, and loving. I know she is always there for me and I love her to death. John G. is also a very close friend of mine. John is a very caring and intelligent person. Not to mention he's a great listener. John is someone I really look up to because of how good he is with dealing with his parents. He is always so respectful to them and that's one of the hardest thing for me to do. Then there is Kirbs. Kirby is by far one of the nicest, caring, Godly people I have ever met. Kirby is one of the best at giving advise and he is very supportive. I know he'll always be there for me if I ever need him. Dan :D
Dan is always there for me and he is one of few people who actually really care about me and the things I deal with. He's just Dan, there's no one else like him, lol. Then there's Jared. I can always count on Jared to care if something is wrong with me. He's pretty much always the first to ask if I'm okay. He's like a little brother to me and I care about him a ton. :] Hannah Moore is just amazing. She ALWAYS makes me laugh. Hannah will always be the last person in the world to judge you and that's why I love her so much. Then theres a whole long list of all the people who just love me. Patrick who can always make me smile and is very kind. Alec, and even tho he makes fun of me all the time, I know DEEP down inside he really cares. John R. who can always make me laugh. I'll go on to say James and even though he can be a jerk :p I know he really cares. Also Mark P. who is very nice, caring, and generous. Pretty much anyone who is there for me. god has blessed me so greatly with the best friends I could ever ask for.

Then, of course, I'm so thankful for Chris. He is the only boyfriend that I've had who I'm best friends with too. Chris is another person who I know won't ever judge me. He's a very deep, creative, funny, thoughtful, and caring person. We share many of the same interests and ways of thinking. I'm just so thankful that I have someone so wonderful to connect to like that.

There are so many people I'm thankful for and one that I haven't mentioned is my family. I'm so thankful for the support, freedom, and love that my family has given to me all of my life.

The 3 people who I respect and listen to more than anyone would be Mark Laprise, John Pryor, and Dennis Mullen. They are basically my resource for God. Mark has known me since I was really little and he was basically the reason I found out about Morrison Hill. He also baptized me and is a big part of the reason that I am so close to God. John Pryor is the best youth minister I've ever had. He inspires me to think about things deeper than from what things look like on the surface and has taught me so much. While bringing our youth group closer and closer with every time we meet and his devotion in putting so much effort and care into what he teaches us, John is another one of the reasons I'm as close to God as I am. Dennis is the Pastor at my church. Along with what he does for our church and how much he has taught me and everyone at Morrison Hill, he has brought me closer to God and helped lead me to get baptized and really give my life to Jesus. I am so thankful for my church and everyone who has encouraged me along the way.

There is so much I'm thankful for. Among these things is my freedom. My freedom to write. My freedom to love. My freedom to worship. My freedom to express myself weather it be through art, writing, the way I dress, or the way I look. My freedom of choice of music. My freedom of being able to be whoever I want to be and do pretty much anything that I want to do. The freedom and rights that I have are all protected and maintained by all of the soldiers who are fighting wars all over the world today. Because they sacrifice their lives everyday just so that we don't have to and so we can have this freedom that we tend to take for granted.

I'm thankful for this earth and for the beauty God put on it, through people and nature.

Something else I am especially thankful for is my health. To have to see Kara and her family suffer through the health problems they all have, I've realized how truly blessed I am to be as healthy as I am.

Also I'm very thankful for everything that I have when it comes to food, clothes, shelter, money, family, and so many other things that I know a ton of people who aren't as fortunate as me to have.

Lastly and ultimately I'm thankful for God, who suffered and died for me so that I can have salvation and life.

Something else I wanted to mention in this blog is my mom.

Sunday night was the Thanksgiving dinner at church. During worship, I couldn't help but think about my mom and what she was going to do for Thanksgiving. She has no family, and nothing to be thankful for. I went in the bathroom and cried my eyes out.

I just needed to talk to her.

I called her, sitting in the bathroom stall, praying to God that she would be there.

I thought I knew she wouldn't pick up.

But she did.

She asked what was wrong. She said she knew I'd been crying. Something not many people could sense from so far away. I told her I missed her and she said the same and we exchanged "I love you"s between sobs.

She said that my grandparents wouldn't talk to her and she didn't know why.
She's been moving from apartment to apartment trying to save 20 dollars here and there.

She said it snowed.
Two inches.
I miss the snow.

But this isn't about me.
My mother is in a bad situation.
She needs prayer.
God does amazing things and I know this because he's done amazing things in my life.
So please, keep my mother in your prayers and may God bless you.

Thanks.

tsh. pfft.

2007-10-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am the kind of person who doesn't like to participate in things drama related, especially in my own life.

See, the way I see it is, I love helping people, and I find most people need someone to talk to who can understand, relate and keep their mouth shut. I find myself to be generally good at this. So lately I've been trying to rid drama from my own life so that I might be able to concentrate on other people's problems.

I want to help other people because I'm so happy, and so much more than fine.
My relationship with God is pretty much better than it's ever been.
My Friends are set in stone and care about me so much.
My family isn't a big problem to me anymore.
And I'm pretty much just doing dandy.

But I know so many other people aren't.

So here I am happy as a mouse, trying to help other people with their problems and BAM drama hits me smack in the face like a guy who just told his girlfriend he cheated on her.

But the thing is, I'm not the cause of it.
None of it's my fault either.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like sometimes, people worry about me too much, you know?

I love it when people are there for me but when they talk about me without my knowledge "for my own good" it hurts.

You know people worry about me, true, but I want freedom sometimes.

Idk maybe I'm just dumb...

This week.

2007-10-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

So this week has been...well, there.

Monday was supposed to be picture day for band, but due to rain was not. Which made my day eh cause I was looking forward to it.

Then Band practice on Tuesday got canceled, another thing I planned on looking forward to that day.

So basically I had nothing to look forward to all week except for the Halloween game.

Lately I've been trying to shift my focus from the past to things to come. So I've been trying to find things to look forward to.

Tuesday, I went home and cleaned for my dad, but he payed me so I guess it was really for me.

I also Faced a fear this day. Williamson yelled at me.
:[ Don't get me wrong I'm still deathly afraid of being yelled at, but everyone took it a lot better than I imagined, including myself.

My costume also came in on Tuesday and kind of gave me something to look forward to.

So Wednesday came. School, Kara's, Church, Sonic. Then my dad let me stay at Kara's wed. night so I was happy about that.

Then Thursday happened. A terrible collide of screaming, crying, responsibility, and choices. Then Thursday got so much better :]
So so much better.

I think that the reason that I clean when I'm upset is because I think it will organize things in my life and make them less complicated or something...

Friday was a day of absolutely no care at all. In a good way. I cared about nothing during school.

Although we lost the game, Friday night was amazing. I determined my favorite costume was John's J.D. impersonation. :D

Christina is making Kara and I scarves!
So then Saturday arrived, last competition of the year.
And to top this marching season off wonderfully, we won Grand Champions. :D

I have to say I almost cried because everyone was being so emotional about the Seniors. It makes me happy that we all love each other this much tho :]

And today has been quite delightful. John wasn't here to teach class this morning, but there was lots of food and a seemingly different topic of discussion.

All in all it's been a good week. :]
But I'm still praying hard.

mmhmm.

2007-09-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

If you knew that something you were doing would hurt one of you're friends then why would you do it?
I mean come on, right?
Oh well.
Get over it, Hannah. You're in High School.
Of course there will be people who do things you don't want them to do. Everyone isn't always thinking about you.

No one is perfect, forgive.
You're not even perfect. People forgive you.
Gah, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
Doesn't this just make you want to stop trying and throw everything away?

when we bleed, we bleed the same.
we're all together in this world.
Everyone has been hurt. You're not the only person here you know.
How could you be so selfish?!?
Nothing can stay perfect whether it be something tangible or not.
Some things never change.
Some things get really stinking old.
I don't feel as close to some people as I used to.
But the feeling is mutual.
I think this is good. It is good that maybe it's not the stereotyped "dreamed for" kinda thing.
If it was then maybe it would turn out like every other one.
I don't think things are ending, I think it's at a constant.
Do I want things to stay this way?
Maybe, maybe I do.
But I'll only bend so far before I break. Only fall so far until I hit ground. I don't know if it will be good or not. If it will be soft, secure, and comforting. Or if it will be hard and rough and leave me scarred.
Only time will tell.
For this, I almost hate time.

A weekend worth blogging about.

2007-09-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

So it all started Friday night. Football games seem to always put me in a good mood, but this one got off on a bad foot. Let's just say sometimes people can be annoying.
Anyway, despite me twirling terribly, I felt really good after half time. Josh had to leave the game early which made me sad but that's okay. So I got home around 11ish and went to bed around 12 I got a long sleep although it wasn't a very good rest. I had killer leg cramps which I am also expecting to be on the agenda for the next few nights. So I woke up around 12:30 the next day. Mara, Kara and I all got ready to go to John's house to celebrate his 16th birthday. Before we arrived, we dropped Austin off at one of his friend's houses. While we were waiting for Amy to get back in the car Mara threw Kara's shoe out the car into oncoming traffic, which was fun. Then we finally arrived at John's house, which was incredibly nice. Then we turned on the game. While we were there I did the following extremely fun things:
watched football
ate
made fun of Cody's face for being a butt
-played solitaire on Cody's warm lap top
-Played with John's dog Maggie
-watched some You tube videos
-watched everyone get drenched with water while blindfolded and trying to hit a pinata
-watch a cupcake war
-got really dizzy on a tire swing
-watched our band play on TV
-Sing happy birthday to John
-listened to a song that Cody's computer sings about Kirby.
-texted Josh and Mark
-laughed a lot
- and all in all had a really great time
So after all of this, I came home and Kara was on the computer and I hear a cellphone go off. I say, "Kara is your cell phone ringing?" while noticing Michelle's cell phone on the bed lit up. I went over to pick it up and notice it says that her number is calling the phone. Then I ran upstairs and Michelle started laughing. I answered it and asked her if it was my phone. She said yes and I thanked her and Billy whole heartily. Oh I was so happy. So I called Josh and was like holy crap I'm calling you from MY PHONE! and he was all happy for me and stuff.
It was great.
This weekend has been so wonderful and it's not even over yet.

Inside.

2007-09-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just wish I was inside peoples' heads. Some people just say things and it makes you wonder, did they think twice about saying that, are they serious, why won't they just talk to me, or do they really care?

Sometimes it's just so hard to communicate. And the question I ask often is, what are you thinking right now? But people aren't always honest about it, you know? I mean I've been asked that and lied because I didn't want to say what I was thinking about cause of logical reasons, but with my friends I need to be able to tell them anything and everything with complete trust in them that they won't judge me or spread the word. I don't know if I've gained that trust with them, which isn't good at all. So many things just take time and even though it's so hard to wait, you have to in order to have that special trust. And the people that I don't have it with, I can tell because they won't tell me anything either. Some things are better left unsaid to me I guess.

Anyway.
Game tomorrow! woot!
18 more days until Heroes comes back on NBC! double woot!
111 days until Christmas.

Me gusta hoy.

2007-08-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

yes, I like today :]
I like Spanish.
I've given up on the Series of Unfortunate Events books. It just seems like it just keeps going on about these terrible things that happen to these children and I've lost interest. Anyway, I have a English project. A book report. WE CHOOSE THE BOOK! :] I'm wanting to read the Prestige. I'm kind of excited about it. I also have a Spanish project due soon. I've found(and by I, I mean Kara) two things with Spanish on them. A tag on a Care bear and a shampoo bottle. Also, I just found some Spanish on the back of a Sharpie packet thing.

So our first game is in 2 weeks. I'm so nervous.
I'm getting my hair cut Wednesday. woot!
I'm anxious to see what it will look like.

So Schools been kind of hectic, just keeping up with everything and all.
I'm all caught up as of now but in a few days you know all of that will change.

Guard has wings(not actual wings, just BIG flags)! I'm quite excited about using them. Plus if you mess up with them it's not very obvious, lol.

It's 5:30 and I'm listening to The Starlight Mints.
I haven't written in my journal in forever. I need to get on that. haha

Lost

2007-08-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

I feel lost. Like I have no direction to go in. Even if I did it'd probably be wrong. I wonder what's going on in other people's lives right now. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like I'm disconnected from the world out here on buttermilk road. Or that I'm out in the middle of nowhere and no body really cares how I feel right now since they're off doing other things with their friends. I know I can't do everything and sometimes I have to slow down and take some responsibility, but does everyone feel like that? Everyone's gone here so there's nothing to do but pick apart my own mind. It's so weird. It make me want to just never come home. That always happens when I'm here. Maybe I can figure some things out this way though. I know nobody understood this blog. But I'm not so sure it was meant to be understood.

August second.

2007-08-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

Today is Thursday. I'm currently in a very good mood. Tomorrow is the last day of band camp for this year. We tried out our guard makeup today. I apparently got the wrong eye shadow color. Mine was more blue than black. haha Anyway, regardless of what color it was I still looked completely ridiculous. But today was a good day. Even thought it took me forever to get this toss right that I thought was already right but then it obviously wasn't so I had to redo everything I was concentrating on and I probably won't be able to do it tomorrow. So I'll probably look really dumb tomorrow. 4 more days until school starts. The Bourne Ultimatum come out TOMORROW!!! I thought it was coming out on the 12 But I was very, very wrong. Dang it. I hope I somehow get to see it soon. :p
I'm almost done with the third book of A Series of Unfourtunate Events.
I played guitar hero today on Brit's Xbox and I'll hopefully get to play it later on tonight when she gets done raiding on W.O.W. :] I really like that game a lot. hehe
So After I get done reading all 13 of the Series of Unfortunate events books I want to start reading Yotsuba books. The books were made by the same people who made Azumanga Dioah. Which is an anime the I like to watch. There are 4 books. I can't wait to read them although it might take me a while to get used to the whole reading backwards thing. Since it's written right to left because it's Japanese. So I'm going school shopping tomorrow since it's the tax free weekend. I think I'm going to the Waggongers' this weekend also with the Gunters.
Well the best of luck to everyone who has band camp tomorrow and/or is starting school in 4 days.

Band camp #2 the fourth day

2007-07-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

So today was fun and exciting I woke up and Michelle took me to the band room. We worked on the "basics" this morning, jazz runs, marching etc. Then Madison's mom took us to McDonald's and back to the band room. Earlier this morning we added some things to the opening song work and practiced it over and over and over and over. It took forever and I was pretty exhausted cause I was trying my hardest but it was all good cause it pumped me up. I started getting really excited about it. Then to top it all off Mrs. Stout gave us a big talk and told us all how great of an opportunity we have this year with guard. I'm so excited ad so pumped and so ready to do anything it takes to get our guard where we want to be. This year is going to be so great and I can't wait. The only bad thing that happened today is that something is very wrong with Morgan Estes's knee and she probably won't be able to do guard at all this year. :[ Which is really awful cause this year is going to be so awesome. I hope she'll still have fun though and maybe actually be able to do a lot of things with us anyway.

Today, the second day.

2007-07-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

So today was the second day of band camp. I feel pretty good. I'm not too sore or anything. My wrists kind of hurt sometimes though. So I wore my new glasses today which I got last night and I love them. Anyway this morning started slow and as the alarm clock rang I didn't even notice that I was getting out of bed I went to band camp and surprisingly I didn't hit anyone in the face or knock anything over. Although I did almost take Madison's and Katie's head off. At lunch, Brianna took Morgan and I to Common Ground which was very expensive for the not so great food that they had. Anyway after we ate, Brianna decided she wanted to go through a car wash since Andrea drew on her windows the day before. So Brianna pulls into the Handee Burger car wash of all car washes and it squirt her car with a little bit of soap and water and then just stopped and stayed like that for forever and we all thought we were just going to be stuck in the car wash. So we made Morgan get out and go into the Handee Burger to ask for assistance. She said that every that was in there just looked at her like she was crazy. So anyway some girl came out and restarted it for us and was motioning to us on how far to pull forward. The problem was after the soap covered the windshield we could see the girl at all so Brianna didn't know what to do so we all just started cracking up. Anyway we pulled back into the band driveway about 5 minutes late blasting Icky Thump by the White Stripes. It was hilarious even though everyone was mad at us afterwards. Then the rest of band camp went by pretty fast and then I came home. :]

Stress

2007-07-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

So I had guard practice today. I almost literally passed out during practice. I was already confused but then we didn't get to interact with the flag for the last page and a half. So Here I am I have to have down this 4 page guard routine on Friday and I have absolutely so clue what I'm doing. I don't think I understood what I was getting myself into. I'm so nervous about this year. I don't think I'm as scared or nervous about band camp this year I'm just dreading it right now because of the heat and the torture I'll be put through and I'm just not ready to be this person.I'm not the type to remember things. Thank God Kara's here or else I would never remember anything. So after practice I went outside to practice and couldn't even perfect the first 4 counts. I don't know what my problem is. However I do feel a lot more comfortable now and I'm going to give it my all and try my hardest. I feel more ready now than I did this morning. I know it will be hard but I'll just have to sacrifice a few things practice more and Pray to God to help me through this. I know my friends will be there cheering me on too. Well I'd like to write more but I don't think I'll have much more time to practice this. So I'm going to go practice one of my throws.

I miss my mom.

2007-06-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

Well the visit with my mom last week was good, considering Hailey's visit a night prior to that. Hailey went to see my mom the night before the Anniversary party. Well, my mom was drunk supposedly and Hailey tried to talk to her some and then went to my Grandmother's house across the yard. Well my mom followed her. My Grandma (I call her Grandma Rose because her name is Rosanne) open the door to see my sister and mother standing there and she slammed the door. Apparent ally her and my mom aren't talking due to my mom breaking into her house and stealing some pictures of my Grandmother's. So Hailey took my mom back to her trailer and again went to see my Grandma Rose. When my grandma opened the door her nose was bleeding. My sister said that my grandma was sick from stress caused by my mom. There were multiple rumors of the cops coming and my Pappy John putting her in jail and my Grandma Rose being in the hospital and such. So we went to see my mom the two days later expecting for no one to be there of for everyone to be miserable. So we pulled into the sloping driveway which always scratched the bottom of our car. As we walked to the trailer I had flashbacks of being at that place as a child mostly seeing pictures of me there in my head. I remember seeing my "Old Pappy" as we used to call him (who I don't think we were ever related to) on his rocking love seat with his cat named Mr. Bubbles sitting under his swing all fat and gray. She never really seemed to like us. Instead I saw the porch with nobody there except a cat. Not Mr. Bubbles just some cat that ran off as we approached. My mom opened the door and smiled. I smiled too. We hugged and she hugged dad and Kayla and we all went in. Then mom tried to give us a bunch of tings like her old clothes and some home videos of us as children and some pictures I hadn't seen before. I saw one of my parents a long tine ago. My dad was clean cut a very slim but I don't quite recall what my mother looked like. Anyways they were kissing in the picture and I wanted to keep it but I didn't because I didn't think my dad ever wanted to see it again. My mom had made some Kool-aid for us. Kool-aid was a big thing for my family when we were still together. It was tropical punch. My mom told us that she was being evicted. My Pappy John told her she had 30 days to get out because my Grandma Rose couldn't handle the stress she brought to her. This made me worry but since I didn't want to ruin our visit which was pleasant thus far, I didn't bother to ask her what she was going to do.

We then headed over to my Grandma Rose's house. I saw the steps that we used to eat Popsicles on as kids. My Grandma wouldn't allow us to eat Popsicles inside. I remember the front porch with a swing and fake grass looking carpet thingy. A bunch of matching chairs and couches with matching flowery plastic feeling cushions. My pappy playing his guitar. Instead it was bear. We Knocked on the door. My Grandma Rose answered. So looked so sickly and frail. It seemed as if you could almost see right through her skin. I wanted to run up to her and give her a big hug. But instead I gave her a small slow hug for fear of hurting her. We talked to her about my cousin, Justin, who is fighting in the war in Iraq. We talked about weather and she gave us some boiled peanuts and some drinks. She said she wished she would have had a cake or pie ready for us. My Grandma Rose made the most delicious food I'd ever tasted. I miss her cooking so much. My Pappy John wasn't there. I wish he was though. I miss him. After my visit with my Grandma, we said our last goodbyes to my mom and went on our way. I don't think any of what happened sunk in until the other night.

I had a dream that I was having a wonderful lunch with my mom. She made a cake and all was well until my Grandparents sent someone over to take her away. I woke up suddenly. The clock said it was two something. I went out on the balcony and cried my eyes out. I came in to get my purse so that I could look at the picture of my family that I keep in my wallet. I cried for about an hour and wondered if my mom could hear me. I prayed to God that my mom would be okay and that she would stay alive until I could take her in my own house and take care of her and help her. I've never been upset about my mom like this before I've never dreamed of her before. For me it was always a hard truth that I blocked out of my head. But that night I couldn't barricade it anymore. I miss being a child when everything was simple.

So I'm up here in the beautiful state of Pennsylvania

2007-06-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

Man did I miss this place. We woke up around 5 and packed up. We left around 6:15. My dad decided to take an alternate route this time because my Pappy said that there was a lot of construction. We were on interstate for the first 2 hours or so. Then we went through a cute little town called Staunton. Then it was nothing but small towns and super curvy roads for a long while. Everyone was road sick and had to go to the bathroom. But the overlook from the top of the mountain was a pay off. We finally got here and the campground is gorgeous and enormus. Our cabin smelled of cleaning chemicals and it had a large bunk bed, a little kitchen area and a picnic table. Outside there was a nice little patio with a wooden bench. To the right was a fire place and to the left a grill and a picnic table. My aunt LuAnn, Uncle Ron, cousins Jacob and Brandy. Brandy had her three kids, Cameron(12), Jordan(10), and Hayden(6). I haven't seen them in forever, so it was nice. We were going to go swiming but the pool closed at 7 and it was already 6:55. Needless to say we didn't go swimming. We went to the playground instead. We spun around on the merry-go-round. Then played "got it dropped it" which the neighbor kids made up when I was a small child. Then we ran around a bit. We then met these two kids. Their names were Shane and Madison their dad's are in a band together and they're staying until Sunday. We played volleyball with them. Cameron, Joradn, and Hayden left with Brandy to go get ice cream. They'll be back tomorrow though. Right now me and Jake are playing on his Wii. So until tommorow, goodnight!

Saying goodbye to my dearest Ruby :[

2007-06-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

So the day that I have been dreading since Christmas has come. The dreaded day when my Ipod ran out of space. Thursday I think was when it happened. I had 989 songs and it didn't have any more space. Now I have 4 Cd's that I want to put on my Ipod but can't. So my beat up red Ruby is finally finished. I'm not sure what I'll do with it. I was thinking about sending it to apple for "repairs" in the hope of getting a new one without the engravings on it so I could sell it on Ebay. But if I just got the same Ipod back I thought I would see if I could get the engravings buffed out. If not I'd just sell it anyway. But now I think I might just put it in a keepsake box. I mean I loved that Ipod. I don't want to bother trying to get some money out of it. Anyways I've decided that during the month of July I'm going to save up and work for a new 30GB one. I want to get a white one. I'm going to make a cover/case thing for it while I'm in Pennsylvania this weekend. I went shopping with Kara, Brit, Michelle and her mom today. I went with $60 came back with -$10. I owe Kara $10 because I couldn't decide weather I wanted flip flops or a purse. ha ha. I need to work on controlling my money. :p
Anyway despite me not liking the design of the Ipod as much as the Ipod Nano, I think I'll be very happy with it when I get it. :]
Good day you all!

Rain

2007-06-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in my dad's car on the way back from Kara's one night and my dad was talking to my older sister on the phone. It began to pour down rain. My dad needed gas so we stopped at a gas station. As we pulled under the roof of the gas pumps, a feeling of relief and protection washed over me. The sound of the rain stopped and even though I could see it I knew that I was, well, "protected" from it(even though rain can't do much to hurt you unless it's acidic or something). I found it so relaxing and even though it only lasted for a few minutes, as I was sitting listening to The Decemberists "Red Right Ankle" it was some of the most relaxing moments of my life. Maybe it's because rain's so hectic. Almost because people don't want to get certain things wet so they're always rushing under the nearest roof or to get home, or they don't want to be cold, or for the fear of water or drowning, the noise of it, whatever it may be, it just seems like everyone takes it as a pain in the butt which I guess it could be but I think that if you don't freak out about rain and rush to be someplace dry, when you do finally get to that "someplace dry" it the most wonderful feeling. Maybe it was just because I was in a car by myself while my dad was pumping gas, maybe it was the music, maybe it was even the smell of gas but for those brief moments, I could breathe in completely careless breath. I didn't have a worry in the world and I was well I could use a million words to describe it. My point is this, even in the most hectic of situations, you can relax most peacefully. That's probably incorrect in some way someone might try to argue with me or something but I don't care. This is me, trying to put you in this moment so you might understand. You probably still don't. This was just some I was intrigued by. I mean you might not agree but rain is such a wonderful thing. It washes everything away (not literally) away and makes it smell nice. I just like rain, but despite how much I love it, when I'm sheltered from it I feel better than ever. Anyways, I hope you can rest assured tonight, knowing the Teen Titans have your back. I know I will. I love that show :p Season 3 here I come. :D

Gum on my face.

2007-05-12T11:15:00.001-07:00

You know what I hate?
I hate it when you blow a bubble with you're bubble gum and it pops all over your face.
That has happened to me 2 times in the past 2 days! You know, the worst gum to get popped on your face is Super Bubble. It should be called super sticky bubble. I swear the people who make this gum just want gum stuck to your face. The bubbles aren't very stable so the pop right when you're about to stop blowing it up bigger and when it lands on your face it forms to you and dries like cement...streachy cement. They should use super bubble to pave roads.
Man I love gum [=

By the by, while I'm on the subject of candy, did anyone besides me ever eat candy ciggarettes?

Update

2007-05-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

This next thing is an update in my "list of things."

1. I haven't bought em' yet.

2.I've made it a top effort to be nicer to people and I have been. Even if it's just smiling at them in the hall or something. Occasionally I'll lose my temper and slip or feel like crap and not talk to anyone, but I've improved :]

3. I've started on it.

4. Haven't go to it yet.

5. not yet

6. not yet

7. not yet.

8. Started on it.

9. not yet.

10. I've started making bracelets again even earrings, but I still haven't played the piano in eternity.

11. I've started working and have made plans to work but I haven't gotten any money right now saved or anything.

12. I'd better go get my attendance records from the school before summer...:\

13.same as 11

14. Eh, it's been on and off, my eating habits have gotten better some though.

15. I started doing that but got sidetracked, I need to straighten out my priorities so that I don't have so much stuff that needs to get done :p

16. I've been doing pretty good with that.

17. I've been organizing a lot, just not my own things :P

18. I have been completely forgetting about this, but next Saturday we're going to go to K.F.C. and sell some as a squad.

19.Eh, I've not been doing such a great job with that.

20. I've improved a bit.

21. I've drawn 2 things since then. I need to get on that.

22. I've gotten a bit better.

23.I think I've done a lot better with this. There's always room for improvement though, right?

I'm adding some more too.

24.I want to start reading books.

25.I want to put a new word in my journal each day and use it 3 time that day. Yay for good vocabularies!

Business, distractions, remembering.

2007-04-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

I'm distracted. I have so many things I need to remember and concentrate on that I forget about everything. I have to keep up with cheer leading, color guard, not to mention school itself and all my individual classes and projects, due dates, and homework. If I practiced as much as I should and if I did all my homework when I should and all my projects when I should and was more organized I think I would either have a lot more time for me or a lot less time for me. If I started exersising regularly and doing everything that I should when I should, I don't know what would happen. Personally I don't think I would keep up with it too long just because I have no self-control and can't keep comitments with myself very well. I think I would end up not having anytime for myself because I work so slowly so it would take me forever to do anything. UGH!

With tape for measuring and a straight edge

2007-04-24T15:20:00.000-07:00

So here's something I drew a little while ago. I know it's not anything great, but it's a start. I want to keep practicing and try to get really good at drawing.

List of things

2007-04-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

So I've decided I want to make a list of things that I want to do. So here we go.

1.Get these converse.

2.Be nicer to people/ make some friends.

3. Clean out my room.

4. Paint my dresser.

5. Paint my room.

6. Make and paint an easel for me...maybe.

7. Make and paint a piano stand/shelf/something to put my piano on.

8. Go through my stuff and separate what I want/need and what I don't want/need.

9. Make a shelf to keep all the trinkets and what not that I have.

10. get back into playing piano and making bead bracelets. Those were the days.

11. save up some money for a car. I want somewhere to sing loud, where no one can hear me.

12. Go get my permit one of these days.

13. save up some money for the beach trip. Yay hoo!

14. start exercising/running daily. Get in shape and feel better, have more energy and whatnot.

15. Read my bible more and keep track of my readings and discoveries in a journal.

16. Keep a daily journal. So I'll remember later on.

17. Get organized! M mm mm. Like Ms. Johnson, my cheer leading coach and coolest teacher ever.

18. Sell some more cards for cheer leading. Cut the money down that my dad will have to pay for our uniforms, sweats, etc.

19. write blogs more often. To keep in touch with my self, you know! ha ha

20. pray more often I need to get closer with God in all I do.

21. Draw more and practice more. I would love to be really good at drawing and stuff

22. not eat so much (wastes food and money) Also it feels like I'm hoarding it or something.

23. Be more humble.

Now now, I know what you're thinking "It's pretty sad that the first thing on her list is getting new shoes." But it's not top priority or anything. It's just the first thing I thought of. So I will update on my progress of these things later.