Note to self: no one reads this. :p

Stop this noise.

OR crank it up so loud so my speakers split and shatter

cause I need something to remove me from this place

this time we're living in now
it can't be at ease.

my first driving hunger is for peace with you.

Solitude when you surround my whole being within a universe that is so seperated from you.

and i don't know why but that solitude is less and less frequent for me

it's like i can't reach you anymore

you too high up and i'm shrinking.

There are too many layers of clouds between us

My soul and your being.

OH,

Come, Lord.
Come.

Note to Self: And surely he will be with me til the very end of the age.

Jesus said, " If you love me, you will obey what I command."

Even though sometimes I wanna break

my teeth

I will.

Because my teeth are quite inferior to the love of the Father.

And even though sometimes I want to rip

off my fists,

I will

because my fists are immensely minuscule to love Chirst has for me.

For you are preparing a place for ME.
A place with the brightest lights I've ever seen
but I can look into it
and see that it is beautiful
and it will not pain my eyes

A place with smooth glass flowers
that grow above my head
and when I climb them
I can sit on top in the most comfort I've felt
and gaze upon your beauty

There I will be joyful.
There I will be glad.
There I will be content.

So I will seek the Lord every day because I have yet to find anything on this earth that I know is completely good except in my God. Praise be to him forever.

Note to Self: Forgive them for they know not what they doooooo

So I'm sitting at work (if you wanna call it that) listening to two coworkers argue about something stupid. The situation is pretty unrelated and would be pretty hard to explain so I will spare you the boring details and cut to the chase. One coworker was accusing the other of being a hypocrite. I'm almost positive it wasn't meant to be taken personally. Anyway the guy says, "You're just a big ole' hypocrite. You're just like a christian. Sheessh, christian." So I'm sitting here thinking wow... I'm pretty offended right now. Although the next thought that ran through my head was well, I guess he's right, you know. Cause that's like the number one thing people think of when they think of Christians. Cause most Christians go around telling other people that they're sinners and need to repent.

But then I got to thinking about it a bit more and came to asking myself why a lot of Christians come off that way. I mean they make it seem like once you repent you're all better and no longer one of those nasty sinners. When really, if you look in the bible it talks about how we're all sinners, no matter if we're saved or not. When we're saved we're no longer slaves to sin and we try not to sin to please God and grow closer to him. But by no means should we think we're better than others. Actually the bible says that we should be the exact opposite "Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up." It's like people read it and quote it to each other, but they don't actually get it. Like the Pharisees or something. And this always brings me back to, I don't think people take Christianity as seriously as it was meant to be taken. Myself included.

Then I thought well, that train of thought gets me nowhere besides being disappointed in people. Then I'm reminded that I do a lot of stuff without any regard to who I claim to be. So I guess that's what it all comes down to. Cause Christians will never be perfect but sometimes on occasion something beautiful happens and we forgive one another for our shortcomings and have open minds and we become transformed.

Lord, forgive us weary sinners.

Hi. It's been awhile.
I just got done reading a book. It's called Go Ask Alice. Maybe you've heard of it. It's a journal of a girl, I believe it's set in the 70's. This book takes you on a journey through her addiction to drugs her worst hours and her best highs. It describes every recovery with gruesome detail and every downfall in complete truth.

I've never understood the attraction, with drugs, but now i understand a whole lot more. I think this book was good for me. It's weird how events in life line up. I feel almost like i have experienced her life and I think I needed that understanding.

One thing i noticed in the book is that every time she came home from an awful drug-led excursion, her parents accepted her and even celebrated her return with relieved, open, loving arms. It reminds me a lot of the parable of the lost son.

I think it's one of the most beautiful things in the world whenever people disregard their own pride and accept people even if they have been betrayed by them.

we let our pride get in the way of this mentality, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Those are the words of Our Savior.

Why not love each other despite our experiences along the way of this life.

I think that something we forget a lot, too is that we're all we've got. All we've got is one another. We all live through a lot of the same things and suffer through this life on this evil earth. If we don't look past our differences and encourage one another, we're bound to fail.

Note to self: The world is lost.

I was lying in bed and I couldn't fall asleep as usual. So I pulled out the trusty Ipod and played a list that I had composed specifically for this type of situation. It's full on slow-paced Jon Foreman songs and I don't know how many times this one particular song has made me weep uncontrollably.

Anyways I'm going to post the lyrics here...

Somebody's Baby :
She yells

If you're homeless sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there or begging for junk

When people don't want you they just throw you money for beer

Her name is November she went by Autumn or Fall

It was seven long years since the Autumn

When all of her nightmares grew fingers

And all of her dreams grew tears



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still



She screams

Well if you've never gone it alone

Well then go ahead, you better throw the first stone

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees

She dreams about Heaven, remembering Hell

As the nightmare that she visits and knows all to well

Every now and again, when she's sober she brushes her teeth



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still



Today was her birthday, strangely enough

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police

They got her ID from her dental remains

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains

The birth and the death were both over

With no one to grieve



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still

So yeah it got me a little emotional. And I just started thinking about all the people that I love that are lost. Some I see almost every day and some I see maybe once a year, if that. I was thinking about how I have met several people that are just trying to get by to the next day with a bit of happiness. I so strongly feel for them cause I know what it's like when you don't know what to do about anything and you just don't want to think about it anymore. You just want to forget and move on. Trust me I know. I thought about their souls all looming about in a monstrous mob in this huge black abyss. Some of them were glowing blue and some orange like they were aflame. It was terrifying for whatever reason and I couldn't stop from just wailing out "WHY?!" in an angry, confused, compassionate scream for these people. From the little girl at Lakota, Her name was Kendra, and she was so real on the inside but just did things to trouble and people couldn't see past it, to love her. To a face not so different that I see quite a bit more that is incredibly confused about who she really is so she just does what she thinks the world wants her to do. Then even a close friend who seems so lost in the superficial things that they miss what's true and really actually good in life. Then there are all the wonderful people that suffer so much because of their own love. I soon got to thinking about how badly everyone is suffering whether they know God or not because for those who know him, a tremendous burden of love is thrusted upon them. They adopt the tremendous love of Jesus and painstakingly mourn for those who aren't blessed with his presence. Those that number in masses so much so that it's almost a terrible struggle to believe in Christ. What, with all the temptations, distractions, suffering, and sorrow just to name a few. It is as if everything in the world in against us. But to follow Christ is not a simple task. To follow Christ is to become a warrior and to fight til the death. And I don't think I'll ever decide to stop fighting.