Note to Self: Forgive them for they know not what they doooooo

So I'm sitting at work (if you wanna call it that) listening to two coworkers argue about something stupid. The situation is pretty unrelated and would be pretty hard to explain so I will spare you the boring details and cut to the chase. One coworker was accusing the other of being a hypocrite. I'm almost positive it wasn't meant to be taken personally. Anyway the guy says, "You're just a big ole' hypocrite. You're just like a christian. Sheessh, christian." So I'm sitting here thinking wow... I'm pretty offended right now. Although the next thought that ran through my head was well, I guess he's right, you know. Cause that's like the number one thing people think of when they think of Christians. Cause most Christians go around telling other people that they're sinners and need to repent.

But then I got to thinking about it a bit more and came to asking myself why a lot of Christians come off that way. I mean they make it seem like once you repent you're all better and no longer one of those nasty sinners. When really, if you look in the bible it talks about how we're all sinners, no matter if we're saved or not. When we're saved we're no longer slaves to sin and we try not to sin to please God and grow closer to him. But by no means should we think we're better than others. Actually the bible says that we should be the exact opposite "Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up." It's like people read it and quote it to each other, but they don't actually get it. Like the Pharisees or something. And this always brings me back to, I don't think people take Christianity as seriously as it was meant to be taken. Myself included.

Then I thought well, that train of thought gets me nowhere besides being disappointed in people. Then I'm reminded that I do a lot of stuff without any regard to who I claim to be. So I guess that's what it all comes down to. Cause Christians will never be perfect but sometimes on occasion something beautiful happens and we forgive one another for our shortcomings and have open minds and we become transformed.

Lord, forgive us weary sinners.

Hi. It's been awhile.
I just got done reading a book. It's called Go Ask Alice. Maybe you've heard of it. It's a journal of a girl, I believe it's set in the 70's. This book takes you on a journey through her addiction to drugs her worst hours and her best highs. It describes every recovery with gruesome detail and every downfall in complete truth.

I've never understood the attraction, with drugs, but now i understand a whole lot more. I think this book was good for me. It's weird how events in life line up. I feel almost like i have experienced her life and I think I needed that understanding.

One thing i noticed in the book is that every time she came home from an awful drug-led excursion, her parents accepted her and even celebrated her return with relieved, open, loving arms. It reminds me a lot of the parable of the lost son.

I think it's one of the most beautiful things in the world whenever people disregard their own pride and accept people even if they have been betrayed by them.

we let our pride get in the way of this mentality, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Those are the words of Our Savior.

Why not love each other despite our experiences along the way of this life.

I think that something we forget a lot, too is that we're all we've got. All we've got is one another. We all live through a lot of the same things and suffer through this life on this evil earth. If we don't look past our differences and encourage one another, we're bound to fail.

Note to self: The world is lost.

I was lying in bed and I couldn't fall asleep as usual. So I pulled out the trusty Ipod and played a list that I had composed specifically for this type of situation. It's full on slow-paced Jon Foreman songs and I don't know how many times this one particular song has made me weep uncontrollably.

Anyways I'm going to post the lyrics here...

Somebody's Baby :
She yells

If you're homeless sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there or begging for junk

When people don't want you they just throw you money for beer

Her name is November she went by Autumn or Fall

It was seven long years since the Autumn

When all of her nightmares grew fingers

And all of her dreams grew tears



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still



She screams

Well if you've never gone it alone

Well then go ahead, you better throw the first stone

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees

She dreams about Heaven, remembering Hell

As the nightmare that she visits and knows all to well

Every now and again, when she's sober she brushes her teeth



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still



Today was her birthday, strangely enough

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police

They got her ID from her dental remains

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains

The birth and the death were both over

With no one to grieve



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby still

So yeah it got me a little emotional. And I just started thinking about all the people that I love that are lost. Some I see almost every day and some I see maybe once a year, if that. I was thinking about how I have met several people that are just trying to get by to the next day with a bit of happiness. I so strongly feel for them cause I know what it's like when you don't know what to do about anything and you just don't want to think about it anymore. You just want to forget and move on. Trust me I know. I thought about their souls all looming about in a monstrous mob in this huge black abyss. Some of them were glowing blue and some orange like they were aflame. It was terrifying for whatever reason and I couldn't stop from just wailing out "WHY?!" in an angry, confused, compassionate scream for these people. From the little girl at Lakota, Her name was Kendra, and she was so real on the inside but just did things to trouble and people couldn't see past it, to love her. To a face not so different that I see quite a bit more that is incredibly confused about who she really is so she just does what she thinks the world wants her to do. Then even a close friend who seems so lost in the superficial things that they miss what's true and really actually good in life. Then there are all the wonderful people that suffer so much because of their own love. I soon got to thinking about how badly everyone is suffering whether they know God or not because for those who know him, a tremendous burden of love is thrusted upon them. They adopt the tremendous love of Jesus and painstakingly mourn for those who aren't blessed with his presence. Those that number in masses so much so that it's almost a terrible struggle to believe in Christ. What, with all the temptations, distractions, suffering, and sorrow just to name a few. It is as if everything in the world in against us. But to follow Christ is not a simple task. To follow Christ is to become a warrior and to fight til the death. And I don't think I'll ever decide to stop fighting.

Note to self: prayer is powerful

I was going through some pictures on my computer and I came across this one. It reminds me of how long I've been best friends with my best friend, Kara. This is her little brother Seth I think he was 5 in the picture and now he's 7 and crushing on girls on TV way older than him. This was when Luke, his little brother wasn't even around. I feel like I'm growing up way too fast. I know it's a little cliche, but it reminds me of how short life really is. And how little time I actually have to make a difference in this crazy massive world. It kind of puts me in my place. Helps me realize how small I really am.

Me and Kara had a life changing discussion in my car this morning after church. lol I cried a lot. I'm so grateful to have a friend like her. After our crazy discussion on a variety of topics I asked her, "Do you think we're the only two people in Kingston that sit in driveways and talk about stuff like this?" She responded with, "Yeah, probably." Indeed, a reassurance to my oddness.
I think I've questioned my affect on this world a lot lately. I was reading an article by Shane Claibourne, a super christian who I feel remote and inferior to(not the title he intended, I'm sure), and it made the point that if America has become so materialistic that the death of an innocent human(the Black Friday fiasco I'm assuming you've heard about) as a direct result of materialism won't make people realise this is a little out of hand, then what will. Again making me feel like I can make no difference at all to these people. So I was thinking this morning and was strayed to a verse which I have no recollection of reaching in thought. It was a bit from James Chapter 5 and it reads,

"...and the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well...the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

I'm considering actually making a new years resolution this year. One to try my best to be righteous so that maybe I can begin to heal the world a bit through prayer. You see, I think we're all sick. Sick of life and theories. Sick of explanation and political correctness. Sick of lack of unity and loneliness. And I want everyone to be better again. Cause I and many other Christians(I believe) are sick as well. Sick of everyone being sick. And if unceasing faithful prayer has power. I will take what I can get and pray a persistent prayer that I know God will respond to. A prayer of care for the people I love and those I will learn to love. A great healing prayer.

Anyway this reminder gave me a lot of hope. Hope that a merciful God will hear the prayer of a mere child.

it's way past my bedtime though. So there's some thought.

Note to self: what he says doesn't matter

If I could have any superpower in the world it would be having the ability to ignore what my dad says to me. I really can't wait for the day when I can leave this place. I love Kingston it's my home, but I really don't belong here. Every day I am alive I realize more and more that I don't belong here. Not just Kingston but on this Earth at all. There's too much crap here. Too much stupid crap. I'm just searching for a ray of hope while I'm stuck here.

I decided that I'm done making excuses. It's starting to annoy me. Laziness is pointless. Think about it what good is it going to do you if you lay around instead of doing the things that you need to do? none, perhaps it even makes matters worse. This is why I want to rid this lazy factor from my life. Nevertheless, it's still a work in progress.




Welp I'm done here. I'll end with a verse

PSALM 3:5

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

Note to self: Don't cry

So yesterday was my last day of school. We had our nine week's test in Pre-Calculus or as Mr. Bowman likes to call it, our "cumulative exam." Mr. Bowman is an interesting teacher, to put it nicely. I respect the man very much and he's probably one of the best math teachers that I've ever had, but he's cold and mean as all get out and he's super intimidating(although I think that's what he wants us to think). He has a very dry sense of humor and emphasizes how much he doesn't care about his students. Anyways the nine weeks test was pretty long and we had a sheet with the questions and another to bubble in the answers. Well I decided to not bubble in any of my answers until I was done answering all of the questions... bad decision. The bell rang before I even finished the test and I had to run because Kara had to go get her brother from the elementary school and she was my ride. So I figured Bowman would let me come in in the morning and finish the test, oh was I ever wrong. He has really scary cold eyes might I add... he shot this look at me so filled with anger that I couldn't help but burst out in tears when he said no. I threw the test down on his desk and started to get my things while tears were just pouring from my eyes. He asked me why I wouldn't just fill in the bubbles and I said that I didn't have enough time cause I had already take a bunch of time getting him to sign my exemption sheet. Anyways he eventually broke and told me to come in at 8am and I would have 15 minutes to finish it. And I know everything was okay after that, but that didn't change the way I felt just then. They guy treated me like I committed a freaking murder or something. Now he is an excellent teacher, but he never cuts his students any slack. Anyways I just cried until we got close to the elementary school. It seemed a lot more tragic at the time...

The next morning I came in and he told me if I cried on him like that again he would just get colder and harder on me. I don't know how much colder he could've gotten. But he told me never to cry to him again. And I was just quiet. I think I'm going to end up acting like a scared dog in his class after that incident.

It was just weird cause I think the last time I cried was weeks ago. I think it's a healthy thing to cry though. but then I cried again today which was also weird. It's like I'm going on a crying spree.

I cried cause I was listening to the song "Somebody's baby" by Jon Foreman (a beautiful song) and reading the lyrics. The song was just so sad. Here are the lyrics and the music just total's the effect, if it really interest's you you can search Jon Foreman on google and listen to it on his website, great song. Anyway, here they are.

She yells,

"If you're homeless sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there or begging for junk

When people don't want you they just throw you money for beer"

Her name is November she went by Autumn or Fall

It was seven long years since the Autumn

When all of her nightmares grew fingers

And all of her dreams grew a tear



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still



She screams,

"Well if you've never gone it alone

Well then go ahead, you better throw the first stone

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees"

She dreams about Heaven, remembering Hell

As a nightmare she visits and knows all to well

Every now and again, when she's sober she brushes her teeth



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still



Today was her birthday, strangely enough

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police

They got her ID from the dental remains

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains

The birth and the death were both over

With no one to grieve



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still

So yeah It's pretty sad and it makes me think, where was everyone. You know, all of God's people. I just don't understand how this can happen when there are so many people filled with the overflowing love of the Lord.

After all the greatest commandment is "Love the Lord your God with ALL YOUR HEART, ALL YOUR SOUL, and ALL YOUR STRENGTH." sounds like a lot of love to me.

I guess this little cry session reminded me of this and I thought I share the love. lol

Goodnight.

Note to self: you are made of dirt.

I find it ironic.

Everyone is so unwilling to get "dirty"
Dirt isn't really bad...
No one ever wants to sit on the ground or walk in their bare feet for fear of getting dirty.
But we were made from dirt, so why is it so hard to embrace what we once were?

I think it's just one of those things that no one thinks about cause it's been pounded in our heads since we were young. "Dirt makes you dirty." "Dirty is bad."




Just a thought.