Quarter life crisis.

Wow.
It's been almost 5 years since my last blog post.
I thought about deleting all my old posts and starting over, but those posts are part of who I am. And some of them are not bad for an emotional high schooler. haha They are my history, however awkward and embarrassing.

So I have been having a lot of weird life circumstances that have made me especially emotional and made me do some peculiar things. I feel like I am in high school again and I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. It's funny how things are cyclical. Naturally I turned to blogging, because that's how I solved my problems in high school.

For the last four years I have been a busy, blustering mess. I have been fooled into thinking theres a lot of stuff that I am "supposed" to be doing. I have this massive fear that if I don't do things right in my life that all the bad things that happened to me in the past will happen again and make me feel utterly hopeless and I will be a major disappointment to God.

Needless to say it's been a little stressful. In April I turned 24, so I am terming this awkward stage in my life my "quarter-life crisis." I bought a ukulele and am teaching myself to play, although I've never played a musical instrument in my life. It's super relaxing and I love it. I also started listening to all the weird indie music that I used to listened to in high school. Not that my previous balance of Christian radio and as my husband calls it "gangster rap" was any better. Alas, here I am. For the first time in 4 or 5 years I have had to slow down, unless I want to go mad. I think that up until this point I have just been rushing to the next task and ignoring all my problems. Working multiple jobs and being in college, student teaching, first year of teaching and marriage. That's what my life has been for 4 years. Now I have off for the summer. I have so much time and its made me think about what I'm really doing.

So I was sitting in church last Sunday and Brad Raby had a great message on the book of Acts. How have I missed this? I have been a Christian for over a decade and here I am sobbing, thinking, "I can't believe God would allow his incredible power to reside in me, the worst of sinners." How amazing is God!?

Here I am.

A broken vessel of skin

made from dirt

the only thing that gives me any significance

is His breath

in my lungs.

I have it inside me.

I am a Holy Spirit-filled human person with all the irony that exists in that statement.

I am clothed in His Righteousness

All my stupidity

All my shame

All of my busyness

All of my anger

All of my fear

All of my hurt

All of my incompetence

IS WASHED.

His Holiness, Power, and Love is greater than all of my sin.

Even after I am washed

In this is incredible injustice of Grace

I am filled

filled with power

filled with love

filled with laughter

filled with gratitude

filled with wonder

filled with joy

filled with the Spirit of the Most High God.

and although I have known it for a decade

I have never believed it.

That is why I am sitting in this high school auditorium, crying like I am really still in high school.
That is why I am raising my arms in abandonment, because such Grace is to wonderful for me to bear.

God has shaken me.

And that is why I am writing this blog like a high schooler
And sharing this good, good news.