Ears, nose, throat.

Today I want to get a physical for cheer leading. My dad and I filled out some forms and then some girl called me into this other room where she weighed me, measured my height, checked my vision, blood pressure and my pulse. Which by the way she said that I weighed one pound more than I actually did. ;] So anyways she left and some other girl came in after forever of waiting in that horribly cold room. The next girl's name was Pam. She was really nice so she checked my flexibility, my neck and back, my heart, chest, lungs, skin, nose, throat, and ears. She said that I had a big thing of wax in my left ear(which was the first one she checked) and she said she'd be right back. I thought she was kidding. She came back in with a long white pick looking thing. The she began to dig in my ear. It was so painful. I thought she was just stabbing my eardrum or something. She asked me if I had hearing problems or ear pains or anything. I said no. Then she resumed with killing my ear. You could tell I was in a lot of pain. She said she was sorry and that that should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Then she decided my wax ball wasn't going to budge. After she killed my ear she said that I was going to need to put peroxide in it. Then she said, "I bet the other one's the same way. I thought to myself, Oh No not the the OTHER one, too! So she checked and said yep there's some major ear blockage here. I just thought it was the most amusing thing. But oh so painful at the same time.

uncontrolable anger

I've been so mad lately at everything and everyone. People make me mad because of their stupidity. I think to myself how much more potential they have how much "better" they could be. I know I shouldn't do this. I know I shouldn't insult people even within my own head. I take things and blow them up in my head to get a better look at it. To "see the big picture" better. I think about that one thing and that one thing only I try really hard to get the right answer to that very problem. But you see, sometimes I think that I forget to size down the problem before it come out. I kind of dramatisize things in order to make the right decision about it. I think when I'm "busy" thinking about things like this I tend to get so caught up in it that I can't talk to people becaue they're interrupting they're there and they keep talking and they won't go away. My anger is so uncontrolled because I just can't focus on my problem! They won't leave me alone. However, one afternoon I was sitting in my 3rd period class and some guy that I don't talk to told some cheesyish joke and I laughed at it. He looked at me, stunned, and he said, I think that's the first time I've ever seen Hannah smile. I thought to myself, I smile he just dosen't know me. But maybe just maybe that's how I come off to people a very angry stubborn little girl who thinks she's too good to talk to anyone. Maybe people think I'm prideful or just stubborn. I know my boyfriend thinks I'm stubborn. Maybe I am. I feel like I'm missing out. I feel like I'm trapped and even though I can go and do what I feel as long as theres a way, I just feel like I'm trapped maybe inside myself. I'm scared to do one thing because it's not what people expect me to do. I feel pathetic. I feel like I sit around all day when I could be helping people. Experiencing thing and getting to know myself and God. I feel like at the end of the day that I've not accomplihed much aside of finishing my homework sometimes. I feel like the only accomplishment I've had in the past year was getting baptized. It's already 3 months into the new year and what have I accomplished. What strikes me odd is I really don't care to accomplish anything but I get so upset when I don't. I don't want to be Valedictorian, or make all a's, or have the most friends, and the cutest boyfriend, I don't want to be the prietties girl or be the best at anything. I just want to live for God. I want to be truly happy with that.

But whenever I feel like I'm failing God I get an uncontrolled anger that rushes thought my blood like a hurricane. I can't do anything to be angry with everyone in my prensents. I feel almost like everybody's trying to prove me wrong or work against me. I feel trapped in a cage of people. I want to get out I want to leave here and travel a far ways away only to come back to a completely different place than I left, which would make me even more bitter and discusted. I just want to be friends with everyone, but it's almost like nobody want to be around me or like I'm just some stupid girl who hates everyone or something. I'm so stuck. It's so frusterating I can't stand to be in school I think it's pointless I mean yeah get good grades in school get into a good collage get a good paying job support my family. That's what everyone does and to me it's so boring I me yes it would sure be nice to have a family and a good job and a husband when I get out of collage, but I want to do something with my life I for one would love to be something different like a missionary. I want to effect peoples lives. I want to adventure and meet people who have no earthly idea who I might be. I want to change the world. People seem to see that and think, wow you're dumb. But why? is it cause I might not be capable. Well I thought that with God, all things were possible.