A million reasons.

I could give you a million reasons.

I could tell you forever why.

I could number them like the stars.

I could argue it a thousand of ways.

I have every reason in the world.

I have every right in a just life.

But that's just the thing. This life isn't just.
This world is swirling forever into a black hole.
I see it more and more everyday.
When children are raped, robbed, and murdered.
When good men die for bad man's freedom
When chaos ensues.
When the serpent enters the garden and mankind shatters.
When men want to be God.

And that exactly where I live.

and I have two options.
Get bitter or get better.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."

Note to self: Having a border collie is like having a child.

I love my dog. I love her so much. I find myself saying to her, "What would daddy and I do without you." Then I answer that question with, "Not have to get up at all hours of the night to take you out to the bathroom, or come home to the smell of poo, or schedule our whole day around your exercise, even though when we take her to the park she just sits down out of exhaustion." But I really do love her.

She brightens my day.

Today I took her out and was sitting on the front porch. I noticed that it was raining a bit, but she didn't until she went off the porch only to look at me with a squinty face that said "Mommy, what is hitting me in the face?" She hopped back up on the porch and sat. She and I both noticed a man in a big tractor sitting across the road in an empty lot. I supposed the man had stopped mowing because of the rain and was waiting til it passed or something. But Storm seemed to think he was up to no good. So she went out into the yard and sat and stared at him until he eventually left. I kept laughing the whole time because I supposed the man was pretty uncomfortable because he felt like someone was staring at him.

This brightened my day and so does something else silly that she does everyday.

In many moments I feel like I didn't really want a dog. Like those days where I just feel like sleeping in and Storms bowels decide to act up. Or those days when I just want to relax and Storm just cries all day because she wants attention. These days make me rethink if I really want to have kids someday. Because I know the challenge would be much more severe. I've watched several friends with babies and young children become frazzled mom's with a long "To Do" list.

But I think it's moments like today that make life so special. You can't ever have good memories if you disclude people from your life because of selfish reasons. You also can't influence anybody.

I think about my life in the long term and I say having kids would mean I would have to spend lots of money on them and practically have no savings and work all the time. It could possibly effect my marriage and my own sanity. But I will smile because the people around me make my life better. I will love them and they me. My kids would grow up playing with my friends kids and calling our friends aunt and uncle. And we will all have wonderful memories. I would get to experience the joy of teaching them and growing them up in the Lord.

If I didn't have children I would probably have significantly more money. I might not even have to have a job. I would spend significantly more time on myself and my marriage. And would probably grow away from my friends because most of them would have kids and spend more time with other friends who had kids. I would not have to worry about my sanity and I could sleep in everyday and spend my afternoons reading books and drinking coffee. But I wouldn't know how to be selfless. And I wouldn't know how to prioritize. I would have a siginificantly smaller impact on the world, but I would feel relaxed.

Honestly, I don't know what the right choice is. I feel like having kinds would take away from my time with God, but I haven't been doing real great with that anyway. I feel like having kids would make me learn many things about God and being a better Christ follower. But I might also become really busy and lose any glimmer of a great relationship with my Father in heaven.

So here I am just wondering, what are your thoughts?

note to self: it's way too hot in the summer to not enjoy the fall.

I can't wait for the fall. I just remember being happier then. It was cooler and John and I did all kinds of stuff together. Now it seems like all we do is work work work, and then stress out about stuff. I don't know why I'm blaming this on the heat outside. It has nothing to do with that and everything to do with me creating unnecessary stress cause I feel like I need to have my life all in order and there is no room for error.

Man I just need to relax and enjoy life because it goes
by so quickly. I also find that the more I relax, the more
I love God and make time for him. I find that when I relax
I love people more and I have more fun.

"Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Nothing in life is perfect, except God. So I need to stop
trying to make it be. Now that's not to say I'm going to let
everything fall apart. No Jesus calls us to be good stewards.
but I'm going to loosen my grasp. I need to stop making my
life all about controlling it. Cause only HE has control.
And Jesus says, "Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will preserve it."

I think I need to take a lesson on losing my life, cause right now I have way too tight of a grasp on it.

Note to Self: This is a raging war.

When I see a horizon as beautiful as this, it stops me in my tracks and I stare.

Everything inside me flying around and stressing me out subsides.

All the dust settles

and my soul rests.

Peace.

This peace within me is easy to acquire, but ironically rare.

I am so caught up in my everyday attire, that I don't know what to wear.

It's funny, really, how quickly I lose focus.

All I have to do is focus.

My job, my school, my bills, my vacation is even stressful for goodness sake.

everyday these things suck me in and paste me to the side of some wall and take me for a spin

like one of those rides at a carnival that twists and twirls

And the gravity makes you unable to move.

And when your done, you don't know what's just gone on.

What just happened?

Now you're lost.

What were you even doing here in the first place?

Where do you belong?

Then-

with a awareness that is something like alert and oriented times zero-

you fight.

push your insecurities to the side, cause what's about to happen is a bit more important.

You fight to be back where you belong, back in the arms of your God.

And with your forearms in front of you to fight the debris,

you crawl through raging fire and fleas

Filth and flame consume your being-

but the spirit of the Lord will not falter in you

and your eyes are dead set on the altar

and you will get back to that place.

Home.

With the determination of a Lion

you find the strength to get there.

And when you arrive the trumpets will sound

And you feet will be firmly planted on the soft, cool ground.

And for a moment, you are free.

You and the father are one and you can see

your life with clarity.

and the beauty of this moment is unattainable.

Your joy at this time is unsustainable.

And you soul is at peace.

You smile and sit back.

close your eyes to rest.

Then-

out of the corner of your eye you see...

a fluttering light and you think it might be...

inside you are taken with curiosity...

Then you wind up on that same spinning ride.

The devil had seduced you with his grinning eye.

And though you feel weak and weary,

The Spirit of the Lord in you will not retreat.

Then you see a beautiful sunset in an imperfect world-

and you see the beauty of the Father in that fading light

and you know the Glory of God is worth the fight.

"The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy;
I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."
-John 10:10

Note to self: people don't throw away your cards when you make them on Shutterfly!

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

I made this card for my dad cause his birthday in coming up. I made one for my sister too. Their birthdays are the 18th and 19th of July and my Mom's is the 17th. How crazy is that!

Anyway I know they'll love them! And I'm getting $10 off my next order for posting this! :]

Note to self: take pictures of everything, keep your memories.

I am very grateful for technology and the ability to have visual tangible ways to remember things that make me smile.

You know, perhaps I should think of something simple like that every day that I am grateful for. After all, I am extremely blessed and I need to show some extreme gratitude to my Father in Heaven for those blessings.

He is truly a great God.

It is easy to say that now because I am so blessed. I think that I fall away from that thinking when things aren't going so great. But I need to realize that God doesn't show his goodness in his blessings, he shows his goodness in everything. His whole being is good. God can't help but show his goodness all the time.

Note to Self: Never Stop Blogging.

Life is like going to a party. Eventually you wake up and realize, you're not where you hoped you would be.


Rush.
Worry.
Regret.

These are things I feel lately.
I have lost sight a bit of what life is really about.
It's easy I suppose to get lost in things that you can see. It's easy to get lost in money and grades and people and jobs.

The things I loved I have taken for granted. My love for music, writing, pictures, people and even God has suffered. I guess I never really knew how to deal with all the changes in my life, so I just did what I was supposed to do. Try to control it.

The reality is that you can't control anything in you life. You can't control the economy, the weather, your friends or your family.

I need to remember that the only person in control is God.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you."
-Isaiah 54:10