wish me luck.

I pretty much feel like crap right now.
It's pretty much been the worst Christmas I've ever had today, which is a big letdown cause Christmas is pretty much my favorite day of the year.
Anyway.
I really feel helpless.
I think that I've actually gotten to the point where I'm not going to try too hard to make things better cause it seems to just makes things worse.
I've ceased to put any more of myself into things.
like Fiona Apple says, "Whats happened has happened and whats coming is already on its way." All I can do is be here.
Time will pass and life will happen.
I cannot slow it down or speed it up. I obviously can't ever do anything right so what's the use in trying when the outcome is always painful.
I felt lost today.
I felt like I wasn't in my own head.
but that's the only place I was all day.
thinking to myself, just being there.
I'm done trying to impress people. I'm done trying to make people think I'm something I'm not.
People can feel how they want to about me, but I'm just going to be me.
I don't care if people get mad at me.
Unless they're really close to me.
I've come to terms with the fact that I can't make everyone happy.
If I could then, hey, that'd be awesome, but I can't.
And I'm sick of trying.
I'm so ready to do something.
To change something.
I want to be me but stay inside my own head. Anytime I say what I think, it turns out in a ton of pain.
I'm going to learn how to control myself.
I'm going to listen and observe, not talk.
I won't talk to anyone but myself and kara, who is basically my other half...I guess...(but how can I have another half if both Kara and I are already whole? I guess it's just something people say...)
So I'm am going to officially stop blogging as a kick off of me keeping things to myself. Because blogging is a way of publicly expressing your thoughts.
I mean I have a journal, and that is so much better than a blog cause I'm talking to myself so I don't ever have to watch what I say or beat around the bush or anything.
I mean maybe I'll occasionally blog about nice things like what I did today, but as of the end of this blog, no more opinions about anything.
And if I have a question to ask or an answer to give then I'm going to be blunt because I'm sick of trying to mind people's feelings and I know that's probably wrong but they asked me a question so they should expect me to give them a truthful answer.

I'm also sick of being complicated. I no longer want anyone to know what I really think or what I truly feel except for myself and Kara.

So there it goes guys. The beginning to a new attitude.
I hope this works okay.
if it doesn't then for those of you who care, there will probably be another blog up here sometime soon. :\

me, being pathetic.

the pain.
they cry.
My skin crawls at the thought of it.
Oh, I would do ANYTHING
if I could.
IF
My soul adhering to the idea
pure happiness
I guess the feeling is ceaseless
My high hopes will always be violently thrust back at me
I've changed my mind.
the worst is now helplessness
you can do nothing
abandonment
it would seem that I'd like to drain my soul of all hope
for the hurt
but for some unknown reason it won't let go
My hope is never lost
but will continue to agonize me
this is not my misfortune.
the bittersweet feeling of it all
they're taken
so far away.
I need this
it's so painful to think about
it going away
it not being there
God, what would I do?!
Power
They have it
they don't seem to know it.
consider.
use what you have for the good of those you love
for their happiness
my efforts seem to be redundant
but for what its worth, I'm trying.
I'm so drained
collapsing at every opportunity
its almost over
it won't be so bad for too long
LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING
you're throwing stones too, Hannah.
you're making things worse.
I can't find him.
he's distant.
please come back
I need you.
help me
Please.