I pretty much feel like crap right now.
It's pretty much been the worst Christmas I've ever had today, which is a big letdown cause Christmas is pretty much my favorite day of the year.
Anyway.
I really feel helpless.
I think that I've actually gotten to the point where I'm not going to try too hard to make things better cause it seems to just makes things worse.
I've ceased to put any more of myself into things.
like Fiona Apple says, "Whats happened has happened and whats coming is already on its way." All I can do is be here.
Time will pass and life will happen.
I cannot slow it down or speed it up. I obviously can't ever do anything right so what's the use in trying when the outcome is always painful.
I felt lost today.
I felt like I wasn't in my own head.
but that's the only place I was all day.
thinking to myself, just being there.
I'm done trying to impress people. I'm done trying to make people think I'm something I'm not.
People can feel how they want to about me, but I'm just going to be me.
I don't care if people get mad at me.
Unless they're really close to me.
I've come to terms with the fact that I can't make everyone happy.
If I could then, hey, that'd be awesome, but I can't.
And I'm sick of trying.
I'm so ready to do something.
To change something.
I want to be me but stay inside my own head. Anytime I say what I think, it turns out in a ton of pain.
I'm going to learn how to control myself.
I'm going to listen and observe, not talk.
I won't talk to anyone but myself and kara, who is basically my other half...I guess...(but how can I have another half if both Kara and I are already whole? I guess it's just something people say...)
So I'm am going to officially stop blogging as a kick off of me keeping things to myself. Because blogging is a way of publicly expressing your thoughts.
I mean I have a journal, and that is so much better than a blog cause I'm talking to myself so I don't ever have to watch what I say or beat around the bush or anything.
I mean maybe I'll occasionally blog about nice things like what I did today, but as of the end of this blog, no more opinions about anything.
And if I have a question to ask or an answer to give then I'm going to be blunt because I'm sick of trying to mind people's feelings and I know that's probably wrong but they asked me a question so they should expect me to give them a truthful answer.
I'm also sick of being complicated. I no longer want anyone to know what I really think or what I truly feel except for myself and Kara.
So there it goes guys. The beginning to a new attitude.
I hope this works okay.
if it doesn't then for those of you who care, there will probably be another blog up here sometime soon. :\
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
wish me luck.
Posted by Hannah at 8:35 PM
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2 comments:
the beginning is the same as the end.
Anyway I know how you fell.
Don't think you've read my new blog.
Don't think you will understand BUT
that's my point!
I write blogs to express a little of myself because I cannot for the life of me keep a journal and journals tend to make a depressed because I record every little horrible thing that happens well
We can call each other our other wholes. haha
So other whole I love you :]
You're pretty much awesome Hannah! :) I didn't ever read this blog, as I was reading all the other stuff... Anyway, hopefully you're over these thoughts, and keeping to yourself! It's awesome to have a friend that you can go to whenever, and they won't judge you! I had that in school, and in a way, we are still that close, even though we've grown and he's married with a kid now! I'm sorry your Christmas was so crappy, that sucks! Don't ever think that you can't do anything right, and never let people try and discourage you... Like I said before, I think :), people will always try and make you feel lower about yourself, because then they feel better! It's nothing personal, they just have issues! There's nothing you can do about it! To be an influence is a great thing, but you can't change anyone, you can only try and influence them! What you do have control over, is your relationship with God, and with His help, to control your own life and also to control your decision to get angry or brush it off! You've been dealt a crummy hand in this part of your life, but that's not who you are! Just remember that!!
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