You're so outta control. You gotta be more in control.

So I had an epiphany today.
I know this sounds crazy and I know this is a really big dream to shoot for, but with God, anything is possible! :D

I've decided that when I grow up I want to got to Johnson Bible collage and be a missionary. I want to go to Africa and help build a school and teach there for a while.
Then to tie it all in with my dream of being a writer I want to write about the whole experience!

My goodness. I'm so excited.
I truly believe in myself this time and I know that with the right encouragement and attitude I can do this! :D

So I heard about this whole Study Tour with World Vision and I'm ready to try for it!
BUT I'm not just going to try for it, I'm going to do it!
I'm just way too excited to write right now.

God is SO amazing!

As we seek, you're fire fall down on us, we pray.

So I've moved from Ecclesiastes to Song of songs. Yeah, I know love, graphic, whatever you want to say about it. I like it.

Anyways it gets me thinking.

OK so I'm in high school and this is basically how it works. Drama, relationships, and more drama, then the occasional essay. Pretty much everyone makes everything about relationships. And I mean romantic relationships if you could call it that at this age. On one of the little side notes in my Bible it said that Jewish Rabbis believed that no one should read Song of Songs until they were at last 30. I beg to differ. It makes me think a lot.

When I read through it I can't help but think, wow, nobody could ever be so in love with anyone like this today. It just doesn't happen(or it does and never lasts).

But all throughout the book one phrase is repeated over and over again that really stuck out to me.

The girl says,

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"

I guess I've heard things like this before in my life, but for some reason it's like now I get it, you know? Now I understand.

In high school we tend to go around searching in any attempt to find this "love" thing that everyone talks about. The thing is, love and time go hand in hand in my opinion.

And that's half of what I think this verse is saying.
Now for all of you who know me well, you probably know that I tend to ALWAYS have hope. So it's really weird for me to say I have no hope for love. At least no anytime soon. And it might be kind of difficult to picture or something, but I have to learn to face the facts.

There is SO much more to life than love. I mean right now it's most likely not going to happen so why is this the time where you focus on it the most?! There are so many more important thing to deal with and to think about and to try for now.

A lot of times I feel like I'm too young to make a difference. However, I don't truly believe that.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

-1 Timothy 4:12

Today I realized that I don't really have anyone that looks down on me because I'm young. The only person looking down on me because I'm young is MYSELF!

I always have doubts about myself and what I can do.
But I'm ready to let all of it go.

:]

I guess everybody's week must have been pretty rough.

So lately I've been drinking a lot of coffee.
I don't know if that's very good for me or not...



Something I've been really pumped about lately is the 30 hour famine.
I've been so ready to do something. To make a difference.
I seems like lately everyone has been saying the some thing.
I need to do something and through TCTC and individual people weather it be Denis preaching a sermon, something from the Bible, or just me and Kara mentioning it, I've been inspired to do something.

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend. You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.

In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

-James 2:14-26

So with this whole 30 hour famine thing sparked some interest in me and I went to their website. I read a bunch of blogs, and random stuff. I eventually was led to a child sponsorship page and I talked to Kara about it.

She immediately agreed. Together, we're now sponsoring a little girl in Peru named Sandra.
:]

It makes me so happy to know that I'm actually going to make some sort of a difference, but I could do so much more. So I'm going to keep trying.

Anyways I plan on researching a bunch of stuff on Peru and am really looking forward to getting more information on all of this.

I hope everyone has a good week!

Letter to myself.

Dear Hannah,
I've known you for 15 years and never before have I seen you so terrified.

I remember what you went through. You NEVER want to go through it again.

It's like you're hiking up a big beautiful snow covered mountain and you haven't even put your boots on yet.

See you could see it's beauty and want so badly to go to the top for the view.
But what if you fell.
All the way down.
And broke every bone in your body.

Okay. So maybe that's a bit drastic.

Just think to yourself.
Are you just being way too scared like you always seem to do, or are you actually sane for taking some precautions?

Love,
yourself. :]

*****

blaaah.

So I've never written a letter to myself before. But it was fun.

I think I'm going to start posting letters on my blogger more often.

*****

I've decided that I dislike going to walmart.
For some unknown reason I find it depressing.

*****

So maybe I should stop being afraid of everything.
Sometimes I remind myself of the lady in The Series of Unfortunate Events books.
Aunt Josephine.
She's afraid of everything and lives in a house on the edge of a cliff on the brink of destruction. It makes no sense at all. I remember being so aggravated with her while I was reading it. I found myself exclaiming "idiot" several times while reading it. And I hate to think that I'm an idiot. haha Ironically being stupid is one of my worst fears.

So since it's silly for me to constantly fear everything, I'm going to make a list of everything that I'm afraid of and slowly get to the point where I can overcome most of the fears that I list. YAY lists!

I think I'll start tomorrow. after I finish my list. :]
Wish me luck.

Your sorry. You said it yourself and we believe you.

So today I didn't have school.
At first it was delayed 2 hours so I decided to make a big breakfast.
I usually just don't eat breakfast so I was excited.
I made some bacon and thought I should pour some of the grease out before I made the eggs. So I thought to myself, if I poured this in a disposable container I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning it out after it sat out and stuff.
I forgot one thing though. THE GREASE WAS VERY HOT.
I made a poor decision and poured it into a styrofoam bowl...(however I did think to use two bowls in case it melted the first one) However, it melted through both bowls and in my attempt to catch the melting styrofoam/grease mess on a plate I burnt my thumb. It pretty much just feels numb right now. haha

Anyways those 2 hours went by rather quickly and I was recognized as stupid for most of the morning. I do many stupid things. lol :p

So Then I found out that school was canceled and thought that I should do something productive.

I got out my bible and went to where I had stopped reading in Ecclesiastes.

For me this book is both depressing and reassuring.

Basically Solomon knew that life was pretty much meaningless and for most of the book he goes on about how everything is meaningless and just a chasing of the wind.

I remember a long while ago whenever Dennis preached a sermon talking about happiness and he mentioned a lot of stuff from Ecclesiastes. It was one of the things that really inspired me to get baptized and start living my life for God. But that's besides the point.

so to sum up the meaning of life...(42) :]

"Obey the king's command, I say, because you took an oath before God."
-Ecclesiastes 8:2

"So I command the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat, drink, and be glad."
-Ecclesiastes 8:15


"So I reflected on this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him."
-Ecclesiastes 9:1

Now I always grew up wanting to be great and successful in the eyes of the world.

This was a slap in my face.

Basically all I can do in life is what's right and enjoy the ride. I mean I never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Despite what I thought, nobody knows what is going to happen in the future. Everyone says that bad things happen to good people. The result of the way we live our live might not always be what you expect. I mean just look at Job, he was a righteous man and good in God's eyes and he went through a ton of really hard things even though he didn't deserve it.

Lately I've been hearing everyone talk about happiness and how to be happy and why people should be happy and stuff.

Well my life is my life.

"What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on it's way"
-Fiona Apple

I totally agree with this and I mean what's the point in being angry and upset?

"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit
for anger resides in the lap of fools."
-Ecclesiastes 7:9

Holding grudges is pointless to me. I mean I know people are going to say and do things that will upset me, but most of the time they don't mean to. I know this because I'm the same way. There will be people in my life who will accept me and there will be people who won't.
There will be people who hate me and people who love me.
There will be people who hold grudges against me and there will be people who will forgive me. But I just have to not worry about it.

Which brings me back to a Bob Marley song. :]

Have a wonderful day.

you're locked up in a world thats been planned out for you

So basically I'm done trying to control my life.
I find that if I plan everything out I'm wasting my time because it will turn out how it will.
I will go where I will.
I've gotten to the point where I feel like never holding back anything.
I mean I'm about to put myself out there.
I am me.
So what's the use in me trying to do or be anything more or less.
hm.

So Frank Sinatra puts me in a good mood. :]
seriously.
it's like even without the music. Just some of the lyrics make me smile.

Anyways.
So I've been thinking lately about things and what they mean.
Does everything have a meaning?
Think about that.
EVERY LITTLE THING.
or do things just happen.

I am curious.
To know what everything means if it means anything at all.
I mean what if it means something that I have brown eyes?
I just want to know why some of the things happened that have happened, you know?
Like why things are the way they are.
I mean why am I in Kingston?
Why am I a girl?
Why do people not like certain foods?
I'm just curious.
But I guess I'll never know.
At least not in this lifetime.
hm.

I was thinking about a lot today and I thought about death.
Then I thought about me dying.
If I died, What had I left behind?
What did I do?
Did I change, influence, or make any difference at all?
I honestly don't know.
I want to make things better. Whatever they are, but I need freedom and responsibilities to do some of the things that I want to do.
So I guess I need to have a little patience.
I mean I want to go.
Somewhere.
Anywhere.
I want to do good things everywhere.
I want to paint this world bright colors and help people have better lives.
There is so much to our lives.
There is so much we don't know.
Things we a re missing the point about every time.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't know but whatever it is I want to do it so badly.
I want to know. I want to change things. Make a difference.
Otherwise I'd consider myself a waste of space, a waste of breath, and a waste of anything else I'm using.
Man I really want to experience life I want to hear everyone's life story.
I want to get out there and do something.
man.

Sometime soon.

So TCTC is in like 2 days. I'm so excited about it!
But something that has really brought me is that we can't draw with chalk this year. We had so much fun! gah it made me so mad whenever they told us that we couldn't do that this year.
I really miss last year.
looking back on it makes me want to change everything back to how it was. :p
anyway I've been really good lately.
I got this thing back today from that PLAN test.
It was supposed to prepare me for the ACT and help give me some help on career options and such, which is something I'd really like some advise on if anyone wants to help me out.
Anyway it really stressed me out again.
There's all this pressure to know what you want to be when you grow up and I feel like if I don't figure it out soon, then I'll end up being nothing.
I have no idea what my future holds.

I've heard and read over and over again that God is leading my footsteps and that it's only my sophomore year and that I shouldn't worry and stuff, but I do. I'm just scared.
Of everything. :p

So I think that I only made a few unhealthy food choices today, which is good. I'm trying to eat healthier. Not because I think I need a diet, but I was listening to the radio the other day and some guy was interviewing this doctor and he was naming off all of these foods (most of which I regularly eat) that would have really bad effects on your health and your body and whatnot. It scared me. lol So I'm trying to eat healthier now. Plus I hardly ever go to the doctors and so I figured if something was wrong with me I probably wouldn't find out until it was too late. :p

So yeah.
Just thought I'd update a little bit.
I could write more but I don't want to cause Kara just came home and I want to see her new haircut! :D

First blog of the new year.

It is 2008.
That's so weird.

Anyway.
For most of 2008 I've been confused.
About a lot of stuff.
I've been confused about what I do and what I'm supposed to do.
I've been confused about my feelings.
I've been confused about other peoples feelings.
I've been confused about other people's actions.
and all in all I've just been confused.

I'd say that this year has started off right.
I only had one resolution and so far I've done pretty well with it.
But when I think about it. I shouldn't have just started doing these things this year.
And January 1st was just like every other day of my life.

Time shouldn't hold me back.
I think I'm going to stop checking the time so much.
Maybe that will help loosen time's grip on me.