My autobiography. I'm not whining, however I am being dramatic. That's what I do when I write.

Well Michelle and Billy aren't coming back Sunday, they're coming back Friday! In two days! With Kai! I'm so excited.
This is such a blessing.
Just goes to show how great God really is.

total change of subject here.

I remember I was in second grade. My teacher had short curly blond hair. My best friends' name was Mariah Martin. She was a small girl with light brown hair. She lived in a big house in the middle of a corn field. She lived with a little brother named Caleb, and her mother and father. We lived in a small trailer with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. We lived in Dogwood Circle. My dad planted five trees in our front yard in a straight line. We were "the Fischer girls" everyone in the neighborhood knew us. We lived right next to Bill. Bill was kind of a big kid and he liked wrestling. You can Imagine he was a big WWF fan. He had all the action figures and everyone knew it cause they were all out in his front yard. He had a little sister, who ate so much candy, all of her teeth were rotten. She was three years old. Then there were the Bartons, Erin and Chelsea. Nobody really liked them.
They weren't the best smelling kids of the bunch and everyone knew to hide your candy when they came around. Then there was Rainey. She was a good friend of mine and she was pretty shy and quiet, though. Then there was the creepy kid. His name was Derrick Wensel. He always won at truth or dare simply because he would eat ANYTHING. He didn't have a very good vocabulary, either. Every time you asked him what his little sisters name was, he would reply, "Me not know." Nobody knew his little sister's name or even how old she was, but she was old enough to talk and walk. She always sang that Shania Twain song "Man, I feel like a Woman." Kenny was the little boy's name. He moved to Dogwood Circle from Georgia, and everyone knew that because it's all he would ever talk about. "Hi, I'm Kenny and I'm from Georgia!" I remember one time he tried to kiss my sister behind the shed. We always had this little space beside our shed where we grew tomatoes. Well needless to say; He tried to make his move on Hailey, and went home kissless and covered in tomatoes. Of course, there's always a cute boy that every little girl liked. His name was Kyle Bowes. He lived up on the hill and dated every girl in the neighborhood. He dated my sister, Kayla, for a really long time. Later, she broke up with him because she said if they got married her name would be Kayla Rose Bowes. Todd Caris, the neighborhood bully. He was older than all of us and he picked on all of us, too. Although, that's just how life went in Dogwood Circle. Everyone knew everyone. I specifically remember our tradition of playing kick ball behind the trailers everyday after school. Everyone came whether we were good friends with everyone else or not.

My mother was 35 when we moved.
She had dirty blond curly hair. Her skin was dark and she had many freckles all over her. She was upset that we were leaving, yes, but nobody knew what she would do about it. The poor woman knew nobody. She had no friends. What could you expect? She did live 3 or 4 states away all 35 years of her life. She had no way to contact her mother, brother, father, or any of her friends besides mail. She worked in the campground office on occasion. Knowing no one, she was desperate for someone to talk to.

His name was Charlie. He was an older man, who drank and smoked far too much for being in his position. He lived in a small trailer on the hill. My mom went up there frequently. He would play his guitar and she would sing. My mom loved to sing. She played the piano. She played like a dream. She hadn't ever had any lessons either. I remembered sitting and watching her play as a little girl. She would sing her heart out. I envied her.

My dad had two jobs. He's had two jobs since we moved down here. Slowly mom grew apart from him. Further and further they drifted from one another. She began drinking far too much. She started smoking again. She started to leave at night after she thought we were all asleep. She never came back until the early afternoon. I remember her telling me that she left because she couldn't sleep with dad snoring so loudly, so she would go out and sleep in the car. I told her she should sleep in my bed but she said she was too big for my bed. She continued to leave night after night. Every time she came back more and more drunk. I remember my sisters crying and Kayla yanking at dad's sleeve asking if mommy and daddy were going to get divorced. He said he didn't know and me, being the hopeful child I've always been, tried everything. I tried making dinners for the two of them, asking them to do things together, and anything else I could do to get them back to who they were.

But then one night my mom went out with my dad's credit card and didn't come back for a few days. When she got back the credit card was maxed. $20,000 in debt. Yeah, we were in for the experience of our lives. We left a few days later without my mom we went up to Pennsylvania and stayed in my Pappy's cabin. When we came back she was'nt there. She and all of her stuff was gone.

My dad had filed for divorce without letting my mother know. He had called the police and had them come to the house. They told her she had 30 minutes to get all of her things and leave. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know where to take the animals. She didn't know what to grab. She didn't know if she would ever see me, Hailey, Kayla, Ginger, Julie, Tabby, dad, or the house ever again.

But she left and got worse and worse after that. She began sleeping with other men to get her by and have a place to stay. At one point she lived in someone's closet and when we would come to visit her she would be sewing or making a scrapbook in the closet. She began doing more and more drugs and drinking excessively. When she came to visit, she was always drunk. My sisters and I learned to be afraid of her, our own mother. We always kept our door locked and if mom came and knocked on the door, we would call my dad. As a motherless child, I learned a lot about being independent. My dad was never home and my sisters hated me. My mother was the only one who loved me. However, she was dead. Not in body, but in mind and spirit.

She finally got so bad she called her dad. Pappy John came here all the way from Pennsylvania to get my mom and bring her home. She went through a lot of rehab and therapy. She had taken many trips to the doctor's. We wouldn't talk to her for weeks and months on end. We basically got used to the idea of not having a mother. She got better, just not all the way. I see it like this; my mother used so many drug and alcoholic beverages that it killed most of her brain, therefore she was never conscience enough to be herself. She always slurred her words and talked for a long time and wasn't even aware of what she was saying to me. I remember being 12 and she called and told me to have safe sex. Totally random. I was scared because she was no longer my mom and I realized then that my real mother was dead and she wasn't coming back.

Yesterday my mother called me. I was informed about 2 weeks ago that she had Hepatitis. Well, when she called me yesterday, she told me she got a huge settlement. She was going to get a lot of money and send us a bunch of it. I asked her how she was doing and if she had been to the doctors or not. She said the doctors kept rescheduling her appointments and that she was just going to give up. I started getting very upset because I knew if she did that she would die, soon. I told her to keep the money she was going to send us because she needed it more than we did. I told her to go to the doctors and get better. After I got off the phone I was crying because I couldn't seem to convince her of anything. My dad asked me what was wrong. I got all hysterical and told him about it. He said, "Hannah, your mother is just trying to get attention." I then screamed, "How can you say that! She's dying, not trying to get attention!" He simply told me I was wrong because he once tried to change her. He has no faith, no hope, and no love. If her loved or ever loved mom he would do something to help her. All I can do now is call he and talk to her often. If I had a car and some money I'd go up there and visit her and temporarily take care of her until she got better. She's as naive as a child, and dad is willing to sit and let her die.

I need prayers guys. I need help. I don't know what to do.

Cake for you.

Yesterday, babysitting, was great.
It was a lot of fun. The kids were great. We played some games and watched Ice Age. Then I gave a bunch of kids rides on my back (resulting in my sore neck, haha).
I learned a lot, too. For instance when a kid gets hurt and might even start bleeding, you don't panic. It makes it much worse. Instead you change the subject as you treat their wound or as they're "recovering" from a fall or something. This girl fell on her knee and one of her scabs opened up and she starting bleeding then she showed me and looked really scared. I, of course, having little experience with kids, panicked. Then Rachel got some wet paper towels and Kara held it over her bleeding scab while Rachel looked for a band-aid. Then Savannah started talking about how pretty her necklace was and her and Kara both changed the subject. However, Rachel couldn't find a band-aid, so she taped some folded paper towel on her knee to keep the blood off her pants. It was really a great learning experience. I was very glad I learned how to deal with something like that.

Anyway, I feel like God's been trying to tell me something lately. I think he's trying to let me know not to worry about how I look or what tomorrow will bring and stuff like that. Worrying in general, also. Like I shouldn't worry about what I wear or how I look or act cause if people don't like me for who I am then I shouldn't worry about if they're my friend or not, right?
Well, lately I've had some pretty bad "self-esteem" issues. I don't know what to think of myself anymore. Do I over react and am I, in fact, a "drama queen"? Am I obnoxious? I don't know I've been trying to better myself but then every one's says I shouldn't worry about what people think of me, but then it doesn't work well with my self-esteem, and then people say things about me, and I end up right back where I started. What am I supposed to do, continue to fun around in circles on a wild goose chase? I can't do that for the rest of my life, can I?
I'm very distraught.
I don't know where to go anymore and I don't know where I'm coming from. My grades are slipping, my friends are getting mad at me, my dad's getting mad at me, I'm getting mad at me.
But, oh, I'm not supposed to worry?
Yes, I know, but how?
It's so hard.
Who ever thought of trying to not worry?
I't harder than it sounds.
I have no problems. None at all I create them myself and it's harder than anything to get rid of them. Like a bad dish.
You make a really bad dish, and noone wants to eat it. You can't waste it, so you have to eat it yourself and it dosen't matter how gross it is.
You can either forget about your "problems" that you create yourself and "waste" your life. Then pretty soon all your badly made food goes rotten, and you drown yourself in it. OR you can try as hard as you can to eat away at your "problems" everyday, then you won't drown in you'r own filth.
Wow. I just realised something big that I've never thought about before.
People (as well as me) create their own problems. Even if it's something like you're parents get divorced or a loved one dies. No need to get emotional. Seriously what's happened has been and gone, and what's comming hasn't got to be worried about. It's already going to happen and you can't change the future simply because it was already going to happen like that.

Time is very confusing also.
The only thing you can do is try your best and do everything you can to help people and live right.

That's all there is to life.
Man, I'm a genius. haha
That's totally a joke I'm not that concieded. wait, should I be concieded?
No, I should be humble, right?

Worring. I know I shouldn't be.

I'm really stressed out.
I'm so stressed that if I don't stop thinking about all of the things I am stressed out about, my stress will explode with anger to anyone who comes in contact with me.
So I'm going to use this handy dandy blog. :D
Well, here I am freshman year.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I have so many things I need to do but I just don't want to do any of them. Yeah, I'm going to procrastinate and then flip out at the last minute. Sad thing is, I know it before it happens. It's no body's fault but my own. I have absolutely no self-control.
Again, no body's fault but my own.
I have two books I need to read right now. Mrs. Wassom has assigned me to read Don Quixote. So far I have read five pages and tried to understand and taken notes on two of them. I'm fairly certain that it's about a Knight and a bunch of different stories or "tales" about him.
Which I have absolutely no interest in. I also have to do a book report on it, which I don't know the due date for because my teacher never specifies anything and I haven't been able to ask her because she's been out for the past few days.


Also, my career management class was assigned The Diary of Anne Frank Friday. I'm supposed to read the first fifteen pages of it this weekend and I haven't even opened it, which I know, again, is my fault. I noticed everyone in my class started complaining about it. I thought to myself, nobody here seems to realise what she's trying to do(she being our teacher), which was to teach us. Nobody seemed to care. Everyone took it in as a chore, not a privilege.
Nobody seems to value education anymore.
They seem to think it's a burden.
I was disgusted at how many people began to complain, and about how many people laughed at me when I was happy to hear we were going to be reading this book. These are supposed to be the "future leaders of America." Am I wrong? If not, then why don't they care?



Another thing I'm stressed about is when I think about me and compare myself to other people it seems like I am trying so hard to figure out who I'm going to be and what I'm going to do and plan for my future, but everybody else seems to have figured it out. They are all sitting back in their chairs and drinking their sodas, when I am constantly worrying "Am I good enough for this?" and "Will I enjoy doing this for the rest of my life?"
I don't know how they do it.
They all know what collage they're going to and what they're going to do, or they just don't care. I however, am clueless.
I have so many options but I look at all of them and I haven't even narrowed it down to a certain category. When people ask me what do you want to be when you grow up I normally respond with one of these three things: Teacher, Photojournalist, Writer, or Professional Photographer.
All of those are things for which I seem to "have a taste" for.

However, I also think I would enjoy being am accountant.
I'm very good at math. I'm in the Algebra 2 class in my school, which is the highest math class you can be in as a freshman. I seem to I guess "know" what to do with money. I'm good with finance and stuff. Which brings up a career as a Financial Advisor.

Another thing I love is animals. However, I cannot stand blood, shots, etc. Which eliminates the "Veterinary" choice. I would love to be a pet groomer and/or kennel caretaker.

Then there's the whole "kids" thing. I know I would love being around kids (teaching or daycare or something like that) I'm just not sure if I could handle it. I've always been the youngest and I'm normally not around any kids besides Seth, Landon, and Kenzie. I enjoy babysitting when I rarely have the opportunity, but I'm not quite sure how I would do with a group of anywhere from 17-30 of them. I'm sure my experience on Monday will help me figure that out because I'm supposed to help babysit a large group of kids.

So then there's photojournalism, which I never even thought about until Kristen brought up last sunday night. I thought wow that fits me pretty well. I love and have been told that I am good with photography. I also love and have been told that I am good with writing. So I think that would be great.

Another choice would be a writer. I write alot, wheather I'm writing poetry, stories, blogs, or just writing my feelings. I've made several of these things public and have been complimented on them. However, I don't have much confidence in what I write espically my stories, none of which I have made public or finished for that matter.

So there's my (in my opinion) very broad outlook on my career choices.
I know I'm only into my first year of high school, but I worry. I know I shouldn't only because it's kind of pointless to worry in my opinion, and it adds stress which dosen't help with my social life or anything else.
So I want to know, Is this normal? Am I missing something here?

Teacher?

It's around 11 and I'm up in the old office at the Cox's where Phillip, Kara, Sean, and Britt have school.
I was reading some reviews for "Freedom Writers" a movie I saw last weekend with Kristen, Kara, Mara, and Savannah.
I liked the movie a lot mostly because since I was in 5th grade, after having my favorite teacher, Mrs. Korneggy, I've been leading towards teacher as a huge career possibility.
I had always thought that teachers didn't like what they did but just did it to have a job and to torture kids. However, Mrs. Korneggy had always inspired me.
I'm not sure if she even knows or remembers me, but she was such a great influence on my life.
I mean what teacher spends their own money on her students just so they can have doughnuts? A good one.
She taught the accelerated math class and I had her for homeroom.
I vividly remember tow things about her.
1. She always told us about how good fresh Krispey Kreme doughnuts were, and tried to share the experience with us(via microwave).
2. Her vocab. word notebook. I remember we got a new vocab word every day and she would get pictures and put together a page with vocabulary words, definitions, example sentences, and pictures representing the word.

She was one of those teachers who were fiends with the student and not enemies.

I've actually had a few teachers like this, but none as great as Mrs. Korneggy.

I saw her a few years ago, I think it was 2, at a friends' 5th grade graduation. I said hi and she said hi, looked excited, and hugged me. However, she didn't look as if she remembered me.
Now I hear the kids on the bus talk about her as if she's their hero.
I want to be a teacher like that.
I want to inspire kids and change their lives.
Although, I've heard I'd be better at other things.

Leave me a comment and give your opinions on me being a teacher.
I know, I know, I shouldn't choose a career based on what other people would like me doing. I should choose what I like to do and go for it.
On the contrary, I always ask other people to help me out on big decisions and stuff. Plus I'm only a freshman. I have tons of time to think.
Right?

Across The Universe

Okay so Kara sent me these videos today and they are all the same song, just different versions.
Two of them are by some of my favorite artists.
It's originally by the Beatles.

Original (The Beatles):



Fiona Apple's version:


Rufus Wainwright's version:

Rufus' version is my favorite. However, I love all of the versions of this song.
I just love this song, now. :] I thought it was kind of interesting. Thanks, Kara.

January the fourteenth :]

I haven't "blogged" in a long while so here it goes, haha.
Last weekend was TCTC. It was a great experience. I really loved the speaker. Worship was great, although I wish I knew all of the songs they sang. During our "free time" we went to the local drug store and bought a 36 piece chalk set. We then drew rainbows, hearts, and "Jesus" in bubble letters all over the parking lot, which was very fun :D

Then I got sick and missed a day and a half of school so I was pretty busy the next few days trying to catch up and all. So there's my excuses, haha.

Anyway, Michelle and Billy left for Vietnam yesterday to get Kai! :D :D

I got baptized today. It was awesome. Mark baptized me :]

So anyways I've been over at the Cox's for the past 3 days and tonight I'm going to stay after church and watch a bunch of movies with Kristen, Kara, and whatever other girls stay with us.

I got stuck in Landon's monkey bars today. I need to realise I'm not a second grader anymore. I need to stay off little kids toys. Before I break them all. :[


So all in all today has been a great day. I very much enjoyed it.

So that's my song.

Currently:
listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (a recent favorite)
it's 4:26
I should be outside cause it's sooo pretty out today.
I'm in Kara's school room thingy.
I'm still sick but I feel great. Hmm paradox.
God bless!

"I'm a Christian" an over-uesd phrase?

In my opinion, yes.
"I'm a Christian" *is* and over used phrase
I think that many people say that, but never think about it and how other people look at them.
It kind of makes you mad how people say one thing and do another, right?
If people go out there and tell everyone that they're a Christian, but still do things like smoke, swear, have a "careless" attitude, and things like that, people who aren't Christians are going to think, "Oh well if this 'Christian' does it then it's go t to be right. No one seems to think about things like this at all. A lot of peoples' lives are merely focused on the other sex. Too many girls live their lives around boys. Frankly I find it annoying, but that's probably just me feeling sorry for them. I mean they think they're having "fun" by making-out with all these guys but that only lasts for a little while. God lasts for ever. ETERNITY people! YOU'RE ETERNITY! People don't seem to take it seriously. I don't know what to do about it. Do I have to talk at them like they're a child? I mean people just don't get the fact that when you die you either go to Heaven or Hell there's no "in betweens". People say things like I'm a Christian because I'm a fairly good person and I go to church sometimes. Well it just doesn't work like that. People think it's easy to get into Heaven all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and it's all set, you're in. No, this is supposed to involve you're mind, soul, and heart. One, you have to mean it. Two after that you can't just go back to having "bad habits" such as drugs, sex, swearing, ext. People just don't get it. It surprising actually.

I ran into a guy the other day who was like I know I'm a bad person, and I know I'm going to Hell. I'm just going to sit here and do nothing about it. My reaction was surprised. I was so surprised that someone knew they were going to burn in a fiery lake for eternity and were content with it. I know that they would be sorry when it actually happens but if I said that to him, he would say something like he doesn't care. I mean he actually said he likes smoking pot, and he'll do it until he dies and he likes sinning and he's going to die sinning. He apparently thinks it's too hard to try all your life and get rewarded in the end. He really just doesn't care and he will do whatever he wants and then when the time comes he'll die and burn in hell for it. But he's perfectly fine with that.

I think this would kind of clear things up. He obviously enjoys things like freedom and pleasure. But he doesn't seem to understand that he is going to have neither of those for a much longer time if he decides to just go to Hell. I mean he believes in God and he knows God is real he believes what the Bible says and is content with going to Hell. If he turns his life around and does end up going to Heaven, he'll be really happy there, for ETERNITY. He is doing all of this so he can "enjoy" his life now, but if he'll sacrifice that much for short term happiness I don't understand why he won't try while he's here on Earth and then die and enjoy his ETERNITY in Heaven, rather than enjoying what short time he has here on Earth and dieing and suffering for all of eternity.

Some things people think they're smart for and they think they've thought it over, but no one can express enough how log eternity is. No one seems to care anymore.

January second, a day of realization!

Today was pretty good.
I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep tonight, cause I have school tomorrow and I have to catch the bus. So I'll be extra tired.
I thought a lot today about a lot of things mainly concerning my religion and the way I act and look at things. I thought a lot about the sermon last Sunday, and "finding happiness".

I realized that I seem to be focused on the wrong thing too much. I'm always focused on other things like relationships, education, and money. Things like that have been distracting me from the big picture, which is God. I don't read my Bible much and I don't pray much. I normally hear the words people are saying (more specifically my preacher and Sunday school teacher) but I don't take their words in and pull them apart and examine them. It just kind of goes in one ear and out the other. The crazy thing is I never even thought of myself as that kind of person I always thought I was fairly smart and listened and took things in. Recently I've been *really* hearing what Dennis and John have talked about. I really feel great about this and I've realized many things today.

Anyway I will be blogging on several more things this week that I've realized.
God Bless!

Hola New Years

So hello everyone and Happy 3 hours and 5 minutes past new years. Because technically, it's only new years for one minute... which is really weird and cool at the same time.

Okay I think new years is completely pointless, seriously think about it this way.
This is a day where everybody stays up late and watch a big ball with light bulbs all over it go down a pole and when it gets to the bottom, they all clap and trash the streets with confetti, streamers, and balloons for a bunch of people to clean it up that night. And then everyone goes and gets drunk.

On the optimistic side it's a tradition that humans have used for years to really exaggerate the coming year, but have taken it a bit too far with the drinking and "ball".

One of the things that bothers me most is in fact the "ball".

it's almost like people let a ball determine time, and even if it is right it's retarded.
Seriously, a glittery lit up ball that everyone stares at for 10 seconds before they start their new year. I've never thought about it before. I really would like to know who came up with this idea. It's so pointless and weird, if you really think about it. Me going on about this is pointless, too because they are not going to stop using the "ball" on new years. Then again what's the point in a blog if not to express what you think.

Any who, let me tell you about my day. I didn't get much sleep last night at all. I stayed up until around 5 cause I couldn't fall asleep. I got up anyways and got ready for church. John taught and I really liked it. Then I came back to the Gunters' and slept for a long time and then kara and her dad went to the store and got a bunch of snaks for a "mini new years party" and I ate way too much. I swear I had food or drink in my mouth at least every minute or so. It's so awful. Any ways me and kara played with Seth some. Then we played cards and Monkey Ball. Then we watched the ball drop and make fun of some rap singers, which was amusing for a short while. Then new years was over and Kara, Britt, and me all came downstairs. Britt played Viva Pinita while kara and I watched. Then we all occupied ourselves with something. Hopefully I go to bed soon or I can fall asleep at least and not wake up at 2 in the afternoon. I've gotten into a habit of doing that this week.

So here's the Plans this week.
I go home from Kara's tommorow :[
I go back to school Wednesday :[
TCTC is this weekend :]

So here we are, resolutions.
1. At the end of this year I want to have some money saved up for a car.
2. I want to actually have a HAPPY new year.
3. I want to have my room redecorated at the end of this year.
4. I want to maintain my weight at 105-115
5. To read the Bible more often.
6. To start reading more often.
7. To blog or write in a journal at least 2 to 3 times a week.
8. To maintain a good grade point average.

So that's my song.
goodnight lovies.