I've been thinking about rights a lot lately. I am a human child. In my opinion every human child should have the right to safety and basic necessities...um education and things of that sort. Adults is a different story. They have to provide for themselves and their families unless they're not able for some reason that they can't do anything about, like health.

However I'm still trying to figure out what rights people have no matter who they are and what people deserve good and bad. I mean here's an example of what goes through my head... So let's try to find a basic right that everyone has, no strings attached. I'm sure every human has the right to life... but what if they've killed someone, do things change then? So if I can't even find out one basic right of everyone...this whole figuring out what people have a right to is going to be harder than I thought.

But there's a difference between what people have a right to and what they deserve. For instance, does every human have the right to a nice warm bed and 3 meals a day even if they're a bad person? God gives everyone their rights indirectly...but then it gets complicated when one infringes on another's rights. Because people can't always catch that...

I've just been thinking since I saw the Invisible Children video again, why are these people in Africa starving and suffering yet here in America we(and I say we because I'm included and I'm not preaching just being curious) act like we have some right to be comfortable and entertained all the time like we're some type of kings, when really, we're all sinners. So we're all sinners (starving or luxuriated) and the punishment of sin is death. Then we all deserve death technically but Christ came and died for us so that we can be saved...so I'm back to square one, what are our rights or do we even have any. Cause if we don't, then people talk about them an awful lot and people have some pretty wrong mindsets. But if we do and we have the right to be saved, first of all why? and second of all if we accept Christ do we then deserve to be saved? Or is it just something we receive? the Bible says "the gift of salvation" so if that's how it works we must not have any rights and everything we receive is a gift, that is something given to us that we really have no obligation to have. and if that's the case shouldn't we have a different perspective on things?

Most of this comes to mind because I have a hard time telling myself that I deserve things or even more, saying it out loud. But yeah, I'd like some opinions while I'm trying to form my own. :]


Everyone have a good week.

When you wake up it will be the beginning of the world and in the fields of this day, hear a song, hear a song.

680 days.
Not much huh?
Just a few more years.
I just want to be free.

Free from punishment for dumb things.
Free from guilt.
Free from this crap hole.
I just don't like it here much.

It's okay though. I think I can deal with it for a little while longer.

So I'm ready to have a car and a job.

I was dreading this summer cause I knew I'd just be working all the time, but I think I'm going to enjoy it. :]

Having money is a nice thing as well. Not that I'm going to have much, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Things are going good for me right now. I'm eager for things to come. and I'm looking at things in a positive light.

I can't wait to go see my mom. It won't be much longer, and I'll probably get to see my grandma as well. I really miss life back in Pennsylvania when we would just laugh and play all day. We would go visit my grandparents and my pappy would always spoil us with bags of candy. Everything seemed so simple. I remember it like it was an old film playing back. And although I don't remember many things I do remember being happy. I remember swinging on the swings across the road from our house and when my dad would tell us that he was going to push us all the way around the bar and we would get so scared. I remember the five trees my dad planted out in the front yard for shade. I remember sitting in my living room on a Saturday afternoon watching the cat lie in the sun. I remember playing kickball behind the trailers. Yeah I lived in a trailer park, but I was happier than any kid I could remember. I remember the field close to our house, where we found our cat. I remember a single tree in the middle of that field. I remember how pretty it was everywhere. I also remember leaving that place in a big moving truck. I want to go visit so badly. :]

Anyways.
I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the week. :]

Meow.

I've been praying for God to show me why one of my friends rejects religion.

And coincidentally he did. :]

I think people, me included, need to ask themselves why instead of judging people.

Anyways it was weird cause I've been trying to think of a way to bring up the subject but and couldn't really do it without it being really weird and awkward. But there was no need for me to worry about it, I should have had more faith. But anyways, the subject just kind of came up, and I wasn't even the one to bring it up. It was pretty awesome how God just made that happen.

Anyways, I found out that she's an even cooler person than I thought she was. She's way deeper that she makes herself out to be. It was cool how she put it. She said, "I have this image, but it's not fake. It's not like I'm one person but completely different when you get to know me. It's like I'm one person but not all of that person."

God works in amazing ways. and it's not like I saved her or anything. I just came to understand her so much better and it was pretty awesome.

Now I know how she feels about things. She even said she admires me and what I stand for and what I do, which I think is a really cool thing. She explained a lot that night and now it all makes sense. I think all I can do is keep trying to influence her.

I got to meet more of her family and just really get to know her better. Her grandparents are hilarious! Mine are pretty bitter and I thought it was just so cool. Her sense of humor def. comes from her Grandma.

Her little sister is adorable. She believes in fairies. :]

Anyways it's always good when you know reasons for actions.

It just makes more sense.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Shine, shine, shine on.

I went to two churches this morning. It was... interesting. It's weird to step out side your comfort zone for a while and experience what other people's lives are like sometimes.

Anyway today was Mother's Day.
I almost hate holidays cause they're usually stressful to me.
I don't have a normal family, if you could call it that at all.
Every holiday is celebrated differently for me.
There is people who have close families and their traditional ways of celebrating things. On holidays like this I almost feel more alone than ever.
I don't like to celebrate holidays with my family, cause they just do it because that's just what you do. That's just how things work here. It seems like they don't really think about why they do anything they do. When they pray before meals they have to clear their throats and put on their fake faces and say God, bless this food. But they don't even think about what they're saying.

I didn't really grow up in a good, strong, Christian environment.
Nothing seemed real and I was always really annoyed by it.
So like I said these holiday's mean more to me than any of my family so it's weird.

Today when we went to Victory Baptist. The preacher asked for everyone who had a good Christian mother growing up to raise their had. Nearly everyone in the room raised their hands. I didn't. But all around me there were hands.

I had to keep myself from bursting into tears and running out of the building crying. I didn't want that kind of attention from people who I didn't even know. And I had already cried during Dennis' sermon, which isn't normal cause Dennis' sermons aren't usually tear jerkers. :p

but yeah. I don't really have an actual mom around.

This is the part where I can relate to adopted kids who want to meet their real parents. lol
Michelle has been more of a mother to me than I have ever known, and the Gunter's have been an amazing family for me. I guess I just feel weird, I feel guilty for having them take care of me sometimes. I guess I've always been subconsciously searching for a home. :\

I'm pretty sure that the Gunter's and my church family is that home.

Anyways. I think that there's definitely been a lot of good to come out of this situation though. God can do amazing things like that.

For instance, I've gained the ability to recognize a good Christian family and that will make it easier for me to have my own family when I do.

It's brought me closer to God all in all and has made me who I am.

Anyways.
I hope everyone has a good week. :]

DISCOvery. Maybe that's where the word disco came from.

Sufjan Stevens is a true artist.
His music is beautiful.

I was checking out some of his music and was linked to this band.
The Innocence Mission

This lady's voice reminds me of Leslie Feist. Her music is beautiful though, too.

Anyways I thought I'd share my discovery. You all might not like it as much as I do, but I think it's cause it reminds me of my mom in a way.

9/11

So the for the past week, in government, Mrs. Johnson has been showing us this documentary on 9-11. Government is my first class of the day, and Thus, my day everyday for the past week has started with burning buildings, firefighters, and the reliving of the deaths of thousands of Americans.

When 9-11 actually took place, I was in the fourth grade. The teachers were all freaking out and running through the halls asking where the television sets were. Most of the teachers had frantically abandoned their classes. The students for the most part just sat there wondering what was going on. Finally, our teacher rolled in a stand with a TV on it.She turned in on. We watched.

I was about 10 years old. I honestly had no idea what the World Trade Centers were. I didn't even know what terrorists were. So when someone got it across to me that a terrorist had hijacked a plane into the world trade center, it really didn't make much sense. What I could get from watching it on TV was that a plane had flew into a building. Honestly, my first thoughts were, "okay...what's the big deal? A plane hit a building, I'm sure that happens all the time." In time I came to realize how big of a tragedy it really was.

Mrs. Johnson turned off the TV. Silence filled the room. "So what do you all think?" she asked us. Silence.

You can't answer that question very easily.

So this week has been a mournful type of week. It's really awful to see what this world has come to.

One of the firefighters in the film said something like, "I have two options: to be a firefighter or to go serve in the Navy. I would rather save lives than take them, but after witnessing that...I'd go."

I just made me realize how many lives were taken because of this stupid thing. Not only of the people in the towers when they were hit, but of the people trying to save them, and of the people who fought in the war caused by this.

Yeah. I just thought I'd share my thoughts on that.

Everyone have a good rest of the week.

consistency

I feel like I've been severely beaten and then people get mad at me cause I'm not doing everything that I should be.

I feel like I am pathetic. I really do though. And now that I am I don't want to be anymore.

I want to be strong independent and free.

Seriously those words all seemed silly to me before. Now they hit me hard in the chest and fill my lungs. I want this. But the only thing that earns this is time. And I'm sorry for as long as I upset people for it. I really am I wish I could be better for half of you.


Senior Wills came out in the newspaper today. Kayla left me all of her sisterly love. I'm really going to need it though. When I read that, I seriously almost lost it. I remember growing up with her. I always had this stupid thought that I was better than her and I told her all the time that when we were older she would show up at my doorstep asking for money. I only told her this when I was mad at her though. And as messed up as it was, I probably really believed it. I feel like now it's going to be the other way around. She's moving out this summer. It's going to be weird being home with her gone to be completely honest. I'm going to miss her a lot. So I have the slightest feeling that when I get a license and hopefully a car in August, I'll be paying her a few visits in Chattanooga. I don't think I'll be begging for money though. lol

Anyways Cody left me his organization skills. haha I got to thinking about it later on that day and I realized that I'll probably need his organization skills bad especially next year. My whole life is an unorganized mess. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is consistent. It gets kind of annoying at times. Actually all the time. My eating habits aren't consistent, my exercising habits aren't consistent either. My caffeine intake is definitely not consistent. My sleeping habits aren't consistent. I don't do anything everyday except write in my journal. So yeah. I almost just wish I had my own little apartment with just a little bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. That's all I want. I want to just not be dependent for once. I don't want that dang guilt hanging over my shoulders. It's discouraging.

anyways I need to get to bed gah.

Goodnight everyone.
Have a nice consistent week.

I lost my name in a war

So I got a journal, finally.
It's got 400 pages in it. So I'm happy for a long while.

In the midst of everything that's been going on lately I think I've mixed up some of my priorities.

Today I opened a jar. A jar that smelt of salt water and clay flowers. The walls began blossoming with details. The ceiling grew vines and flowers. Below me was a sea of people far enough away to look like bugs squirming around anxiously. We were all staring in one direction. There was excitement stirring all around. Stars appeared in front of us and began to make music like angels. I'd like to believe that all of the people were opening jars, like me, in response to the beautiful stories. I drew pictures in my mind with curling lines. I couldn't believe my eyes, but they had never lied to me before, so I trusted them. Everyone trusts their eyes. But I closed them to put something in this jar that I am opening today. I did it just for this reason. So that I could open it later and empower myself with mood-changing abilities. The sounds and stories appeased me. Like remembering an old grandfather that I never got to know. And he sings, "you're the prettiest song I've heard in a while." And I caught it like she did with Ivan in that book I always used to read. And maybe I've come to be too in touch with this world. And after telling myself to get my head out of the clouds for so long, I almost regret it. I'd like to go back up there and visit my friends.

I know that nobody understood that, and well, that was kind of my idea. I haven't written like this in a dog's age and I needed it. It's refreshing and I'm not sure why. I guess it's just one of the mysteries of why God made me the way he did.