consistency

I feel like I've been severely beaten and then people get mad at me cause I'm not doing everything that I should be.

I feel like I am pathetic. I really do though. And now that I am I don't want to be anymore.

I want to be strong independent and free.

Seriously those words all seemed silly to me before. Now they hit me hard in the chest and fill my lungs. I want this. But the only thing that earns this is time. And I'm sorry for as long as I upset people for it. I really am I wish I could be better for half of you.


Senior Wills came out in the newspaper today. Kayla left me all of her sisterly love. I'm really going to need it though. When I read that, I seriously almost lost it. I remember growing up with her. I always had this stupid thought that I was better than her and I told her all the time that when we were older she would show up at my doorstep asking for money. I only told her this when I was mad at her though. And as messed up as it was, I probably really believed it. I feel like now it's going to be the other way around. She's moving out this summer. It's going to be weird being home with her gone to be completely honest. I'm going to miss her a lot. So I have the slightest feeling that when I get a license and hopefully a car in August, I'll be paying her a few visits in Chattanooga. I don't think I'll be begging for money though. lol

Anyways Cody left me his organization skills. haha I got to thinking about it later on that day and I realized that I'll probably need his organization skills bad especially next year. My whole life is an unorganized mess. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is consistent. It gets kind of annoying at times. Actually all the time. My eating habits aren't consistent, my exercising habits aren't consistent either. My caffeine intake is definitely not consistent. My sleeping habits aren't consistent. I don't do anything everyday except write in my journal. So yeah. I almost just wish I had my own little apartment with just a little bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. That's all I want. I want to just not be dependent for once. I don't want that dang guilt hanging over my shoulders. It's discouraging.

anyways I need to get to bed gah.

Goodnight everyone.
Have a nice consistent week.