Chewing gum.

My dad said something tonight. It made a lot of sense but I guess it didn't really click with me until now.

It was something along the lines of "If you're smart, you'll learn from your mistakes, but if not, you'll just keep making them."

I swear I have a sixth sense for these type of things! Maybe not, and it was just horribly predictable. haha

Nevertheless, again I have a change to face. I will be stronger. I think I'm ready for a little change in my own mind right now. A little confidence change. I want some. I think I try too hard to please everyone. I need to reassure myself everyday. I'm done hating myself because other people do. God is the only person I'm ready to please.

Bones sinking like stones
All that we've fought for
All these places we've grown
All of us are done for

Coldplay- Don't Panic (I know I've quoted this before.)

I have this overwhelming feeling that God has something huge planned for me, but I never thought about if I just died. To think all that I believed in would die off with me. Or it most likely would. I want to make a positive impact in this world. I want to stand for all things good. I was thinking about dieing earlier and then I thought to myself that it was very selfish of me to think that.

So with this whole confidence change, I don't want to become big-headed. I want to be open minded and equally confident. I don't understand how that works though. :\


I want a car and a camera. I need a job :[
I hate reality.

I'ma goon.

So we got mail from Peru today. Enclosed in the envelope was a picture of Sandra. She's grown so big! Lately time has made itself known to me and has also vanished right before my eyes. We celebrated Seth's 7th birthday this past weekend. I can't believe he's seven years old! Heck I'm a Junior! I'm surprised I've made it this far. Kayla went off to college. Along with all the other seniors. Cody is about to turn 19! I mean seriously I think about these things and I'm like wow, wait what? And part of me still hasn't comprehended it. Surprisingly I've been more excepting towards it. I tend to be like my sister when it comes to moving on in life. Last year she cried all day her last day at school. Most of her friends told me about it and said that the teachers had to offer her tissues it was so bad.

Anyways I guess I just don't like the outcome of change sometimes. Change is a painful thing for me. Somehow though, I'm okay with it right now, but not at the same time. I think I've just realized that things will change, I'll adjust, and they'll change again. It will be a never-ending cycle, and it will last a lifetime. Things change and no matter of me crying or being upset will stop it. Plus change isn't that big of a deal anyways. I mean having to adjust is one thing, but sometimes things can change for the better. If things never changed no one would ever go anywhere; no one would ever move on. Plus everyday is one day closer to when I'll get to see my Father in Heaven and it will be a glorious day! So I look forward, even if it means change. Change is just part of the package and sometimes it is good. :]

You’ll be free, child, once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
-Bright Eyes, Land Locked Blues

Things are starting to make sense.

Yeah it's true. Everyday things start to make more sense to me about this world. They make sense, but things still aren't right.

My mom called me the other day. I miss her like crazy and can't wait to see her. That's just one of the reasons that I want a car and my license so much. I'm thinking Christmas break is when I'll get to go possibly? Depending on if I get another job soon.

My mom has made some really dumb decisions, but no human has ever loved me as unconditionally as she has. I probably talk to my mom once a month if I'm lucky. It's usually the highlight of her month too. I really want to see her, mostly because I think it would make her so happy. I told her I wanted to see her and that when I got my license and a car a friend and I were going to go up there and visit. She began to cry. I thought to myself how can someone love me so much? How can someone miss me so much?

You have no idea how much I want to talk to her face to face. Just to give her a hug. Just to see how she's doing.



So school's started back up. I'm really optimistic about this year. Except physics. I think all my classes will be really exciting and really beneficial to me! Except physics. I think science is so boring. :\ I mean today we talked about all the forces that were acting on a box that a girl was pushing. It just seems really lame, and, quite frankly, I don't really care either. I mean why do you need an explanation for little things like that?! It seems pretty ridiculous to me. I think sometimes people get so caught up in how things are happening that they miss why they're happening. The really important things in life seemed to be overlooked because people are always trying to find an explanation. People spend so much time trying to figure out where the world came from and how everything developed that they miss it's beauty and it's representation of the power of God. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to let things be. I think creation is something that we're not supposed to fully understand as human beings, at least not technically. Why can't people just say to themselves that they may never understand and that's okay rather than driving themselves insane looking for answers?


Well there was my little ramble about science. haha

Wilco- Wishful thinking

Fill up your mind with all it can know
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking

All I wanna do...

I saved a kid's life the other night. It was exciting. It was like 9:45 at night. I jumped in with all my clothes on. The air was really cold. I didn't get a thank you, but I guess I shouldn't expect it. After all, it's my job right?

I guess I was just shocked by the lack of caring on all accounts. I mean if someone had just saved my child's life I would do something more than get them out of the pool. I might be concerned about what happened, if the kid was okay. I'd probably thank the lifeguard... at least.

Something that has always bothered me is when someone has a kid and doesn't have responsibility for them. Having a child isn't something to be taken lightly. It's not like getting a new car or something. It will affect the rest of your life an your entire family's life. It will affect the future. Too many people don't care about that though. I don't mean to say that this is why adoption exists, but it a big reason. It's sad that children suffer all over the world because people tell themselves that they can't handle something that they got themselves into before thinking about it. Of course there are other reasons that kids get sent to orphanages, but is one of them. It bugs me.


Anyway, my rambling won't help anything.

Don't forget what you've learned all you give is returned
And if life seems absurd what you need is some laughter
And a season to sleep and a place to get clean

Bright Eyes- Cleanse Song