Every little thing is gonna be alright. :]

I'm trying to conjure up a new name for the 'ole blogger. I'm fresh out of ideas though. I want something that actually describes what I write in this little white box here. :p So if you have any ideas, sharing wouldn't hurt :D

So these past two days have been pretty crazy. They go by fast, but they feel like multiple days rather than just one. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I haven't had a day off in a really long time. It's starting to get to me. I've just been crazy busy, just constantly running. It's only the second day of band camp, but I'm incredibly sore. :[ I've been trying to stretch a lot, but I just don't feel like it at night and I'm constantly going during the day. Maybe I'll start stretching at lunch or something. I've decided to stop stretching during swimming lessons though, kids ask too many questions. It's hard to explain to a child how my legs hurt from standing, kicking, and pointing my toes all day and how stretching makes it feel better. haha

I have a little girl named Anna in my lesson 2 class. I was talking to her after lessons today and she asked me if I had any kids. I was like, "Wow, I hope I don't look old." haha I really wonder why she asked me that though. :p But yeah I just thought I'd share a cute story to ease the depressed tone a bit.


On a deeper note, I'm really trying to stop worrying so much. Many bad things have come of my worrying. :\ I guess some good things have come as well. I don't know though. I'm really trying to trust that things will be okay. I have a lot on my mind and no time to straighten it all out and what not right now.

Oh life, with your colorful surprises...
...Forget about yourself and all your plans
-The Henney Buggy Band, Sufjan Stevens

Have an open mind and learn something.

I worked this weekend, and in the process of working I had a lot of time to talk with one of my co-workers/boss, Jonathan. Somehow, everything we talked about ended up turning to something regarding God, Christianity, Religion, etc. It was pretty cool actually. It got me thinking about a lot. I think it got him thinking about a lot, too, which is a very good thing. :] He seems to me to be one of those very laid back "Christians". He ended up helping me realize that sometimes I take things way too seriously. I'm way too hard on myself and I worry way to much. I think I helped him realize that he's not taking things seriously enough, especially God. Which is awesome. At the first pool party we worked together, I was the one bringing up God, mostly because well God is what my entire life is about, but by the end of the week, he was the one asking me questions and engaging in spiritual conversation. It's pretty cool how God works.

Saturday morning I read a new post on my best friend's blog about fear. I started thinking about fear. I realized that fear is something I create myself. Pretty soon, I'm creating my own limits. I'm limiting myself from great things! So then I started trying to eliminating some irrational fears that I had by getting to the root of the problem. I realized that most of my fears were social. I hate interacting with people that don't know me, especially with older people anywhere from teens to near death, but I don't have that much of a problem with kids. I came to the conclusion that I'm afraid of adult confrontation, speaking in large crowds, drawing attention to myself, and even speaking in class because I feel like everyone's judging me. I couldn't figure out what to do about it and I figured thinking out loud plus another input could go a long way. So I asked Jonathan. He starting talking about how it doesn't matter what people think about you, blah blah blah. Yeah I don't know if I believe that it doesn't matter what they think, but I find myself tip-toeing around people's minds for they're satisfaction. And I think THAT is ridiculous. God's judgment is the only judgment that matters to me. That doesn't mean I'm going to start being a close-minded rebel. I think people are one of the best ways to learn. I'm just going to be myself. I've even tried it out a bit and I find I like myself better that way. When I'm not constantly worried about people thinking I'm some awful person when they don't know me.

Then I started thinking, what if something I'm doing is really wrong and I've misinterpreted or missed something? Jon pointed out that I seem to take things like that way too seriously. That it might be wrong for me to worry so much. Then I started thinking, "Yeah, I know I worry a butt ton, and I shouldn't, cause it says not to in the Bible." It's a verse that I refer to way too much, but don't follow like I should.

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)

Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I never applied this verse to my life cause it never made sense to me that you didn't have to worry about anything and try to live a sinless life at the same time. Because we make mistakes everyday that we don't even think twice about.

Then I remembered another verse that God pushed on me a long time ago, but I never got it.

Romans 8:28 (NIV)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It doesn't matter what happens. Both good and bad things will happen no matter what I do. I can't control everything. All that matters is where my heart is. What I want and what I'm trying for.


Anyways that was my revolution that I had this weekend. It was pretty cool to feel like I had everything in perspective for once. :]

Ending in lyrics of an amazing Coldplay song with not only beautiful music but fantastic lyrics. I SO wish I could see Coldplay live! They have been all I can listen to since I heard their new album.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In a little while I'll be there.

So band camp starts on Monday.
It's pretty much coming way too fast.
I guess I'm excited. It's pretty bittersweet.

Anyways I've been thinking a lot about having jobs and my career.
Also about college, money, etc.
It's starting to stress me out a little.
I think I'm going to be in school for a while.
But I don't know if I want to spend more than 4 years in college. Four years is fine with me but anymore I'm not so sure of. I also think that I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I don't know what's coming at me. I'm also thinking I'm going to have a really hard time making up my mind about college. I know I have a little while to figure all of that out, but I think it's best to think ahead. That what I always do. Even if it means I end up worrying. That's just how I am.

anyways I'm going to be pretty busy starting tomorrow. :[
There are some things on my mind that I'm not sure if I should concentrate on them or not. I guess I've just not been the best lately with everything.

I leave you with some lyrics of a song that I've randomly chosen for whatever reason.
I think I'm going to start ending all my blogs with song lyrics. This one is truly a great song. :]

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

-Snow Patrol, Run

Reality is too dissappointing.

"Writing was just a dream, something to dive into when reality became a little too brutal."

I can relate to this. That is why I was so thrilled to come across this blog.

I was browsing the World Vision site and was somehow linked to this woman's blog. Her name is Anya and she has a pretty crazy and tragic story. I started reading some of her more recent posts out of curiosity and was hooked by how well written it was. So I went into her archives and to the very beginning of her writing in the blog. I've been reading it like crazy since I found it. It's given me a bit of a perspective change as well.

See, I used to think that homeless people were just too lazy to get a job for whatever reason. I never really thought about how they wouldn't have an address or anything. I also never thought about the embarrassment of it all. I think if I were in a situation like that one, I would def. not want to approach any other person about a job, let-alone asking for help. I would feel lower than low to be an adult and have gotten myself in that type of situation in the first place. I would def feel like I got myself into it and should get myself out. I've always hated that I'm dependent on people to live. It really bugs me. It makes me feel like a mooch. haha

Anyways I thought it was neat :p
I hope everyone has a great day.

I'd like to know how you're doing

I was checking my myspace today (hard to believe I know :p) and I scrolled down only to find that I had "New Messages!" and "New Comments!". This is the first time that I realized there were exclamation points placed after the notifications. I was surprised and thought to myself, "why?". haha I guess I never paid much attention to them for fear of feeling lame and realizing that a certain excitement was aroused inside of me from receiving a "New (whatever)!". As if every time I see this, I am reassured that I still belong to humanity because someone has something to say to me. I guess that makes me lame, but since when is that news. I seem to find a new way to be identified as lame each day.

Anyways this discovery seemed to link in with a lot of things I've been thinking about lately. I was reading Proverbs this afternoon. I was sitting out on my front porch cause I just got off work and was sorta cold from being wet all evening. (I love lifeguarding though)Anyway it was sort of cold inside and warmish outside so I changed into some dry clothes, made myself a nice warm bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, poured a glass of cold Brita filtered water, grabbed my purple blankie, and my good ole Bible, and headed out the door for a mini picnic on my porch. Matt (my sister's boyfriend and my own co-worker) pulled up to this picture of my weirdness and I was sad cause his perception of me probably was downgraded by seeing this as he asked what I was doing and commented with an "oh...interesting..." after he saw my bible and probably thought I was performing some type of spiritual ritual or something. He did interrupt my prayer of thanks for my meal though. lol

However this is all besides the point. After I ate, I opened my Bible to Proverbs and was reading about wisdom and adultery mostly. I thought it was cool how it referred to wisdom as a female person. A "she" to be exact. But it went on about how she was there with God before the creation of the world and she was the craftsman at his side when he gave the sea it's boundary. So it got me thinking about why God even made us. I know it's a question in a lot of people's minds. Some things I've been reading lately led me to a conclusion. I think God planned for us to keep him company. I think he was lonely in that dark formless abyss of nothingness that existed before Earth. But what he intended earth to be, turned out entirely different than he planned. But yeah that's my opinion that was to be formed. :D

Yay for forming opinions!
I desperately need to get to bed.
Goodnight all. :]

not going anywhere?

So I've been thinking a lot about friendships.
I think when you're friends with someone it means a lot more than you just hang out with them sometimes. It's a deep caring, trusting relationship. I've learned in these past several days that people who I thought were my friends really don't care about me that much and I can't really trust some of them either. When you're friends with someone, you need to be able to depend on them first of all. If you can't depend on them the relationship is unstable.

I mean if you can't depend on someone, you never know what can happen. You're basically on your own. Like if you do something as little as asking them to do you a favor and you can't depend on them, they may bail on you at any given moment. You can't ask them for anything, not even for them to keep a secret for you. If you can't depend on them, it's really hard to be friends with them unless you just become completely selfless.

Another thing I've realized about friendships is that when something happens,(an argument, a disagreement, an accident, etc.) people tend to cut it off and not fix anything. I guess it seems easier to most people. Anyways, I hate that.I mean what's the point in having a friendship if you have to constantly worry about them dropping everything and leaving because things get a little hard? It's tempting, I know. I don't think a friendship is really a friendship if you always have to convince them that they should keep being friends with you. It just seems a little ridiculous. I hate having friendships that are threatened like that.

I think what it all comes down to is some stuff that I've heard Dennis talk about a lot. Each person needs to deny themselves and pick up their cross. It's not a 50\50 thing. Each person gives 100%. Maybe this is why the saying goes, "A good friend is hard to find."

I guess I just end with wondering what happened to, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

God, put your hand in this place.

We need you.


I went to hang out with some friends tonight.
I love my friends, but I fear for them.

I feel like every day I see how much worse this world can be. I see how much more we need God's love and grace. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should be doing something I just don't know what.

I do know this though. I want to stand for only good things in my short time that I have. My heart is breaking all the time because this world isn't right. Things are just so twisted and wrong. And it's so painful to watch. SO PAINFUL to witness. I don't know though. I don't know much right now though. I've just been going off my "instincts". What I think is the Holy Spirit inside of me. I feel something inside of me beating, hurting for things like this and I think it's my heart. I guess it's just a matter of faith.

I feel what I think is my heart coming back to life.
I love it because I can feel God so much now.
I felt his presence so strongly the other night going to bed.
I was so focused and nothing in the world could stop that feeling then. All of the temptations of the world hit me and blew right past me. It was truly amazing.
My heart used to be alive. It was pretty dead for a while.
I like that my heart is awakening again, it's painful, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dreads :]

I want to get dreadlocks. :]
I think they'll look awesome and it'll be fun to try something new.
I've always thought they would be cool but it was one of those "someday I'll try it" things. I'm actually seriously considering it though now. I'll have to save up a little money first cause I want to get them done professionally and I'm going to have to take really good care of them if I want them to look good. I'll need to get special shampoos and stuff.

Also, I think it'll be a cool thing to experience. I know people will put me down and stereotype me for it. I know some people will judge me for it. They think they know why I did it without even talking to me. It's really annoying though that I have to think about all of this before wearing my hair a certain way. I already know what my family will think. Which really bothers me. I think that if you love someone, it doesn't matter what they do or how they look, you should be ok with it. For instance, my sister got a tattoo on her back when she came to see Kayla's graduation. I was shocked because my family started talking about her behind her back. They all think that she's throwing her life away. I don't. I love my sister and it she has a tattoo on her back that doesn't change who she is. It seems like something so simple that everyone should understand. It's like another form of racism. And more people need to know the truth. It's wrong to judge people like that. And this is partially why I'm doing it and it'll give me some great perspective as well. I know I probably judge people all the time because of things like this without even thinking about it. So I need to realize that that's not what my heart should be like. Anyways this has gone way to far in what I've thought. It's messed up that all of this crap comes with getting a new freaking hairstyle.

Me getting dreads isn't going to change who I am. I'm not going to start smoking pot or something insane like that. It really hurts me a lot to think of how people will change their thoughts about me the way I change my hairstyle. It shouldn't be like that.

Anyways I've made up my mind. If I don't like them or something. I can just take them out. But yeah I'm not doing it to be different. I think that's stupid. Everyone is already different. I'm doing it for two reasons.

1.because I think I'll like it and want to experience it.

2. Because it's so terribly wrong that I wouldn't do my hair different because of what people might think about me.

If I don't do something that I want to do because of what people will think about me, I'm letting ignorant people control me. And I'm sick of ignorant people being in control.

I'm not stupid. It really hurts me to know what some people have already thought about it and I don't even have them yet.
whatever though.

RUN

I AM STRESSING MYSELF OUT LIKE CRAZY.
I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I COULD EXPLODE.
I AM REALLY WANTING TO GET AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS CRAP.
I JUST WANT TO RUN FOREVER UNTIL I REACH A PLACE WHERE NO ONE EXISTS AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE CRAP I WANT.
I AM SO SICK OF MONEY AND JOBS AND SCHOOL AND BAND AND ALL OF THIS CRAP.
I WANT TO DIE.
someone please give me a gun.

When the truth is, I miss you.

I had guard practice today and I've started to get excited. I think this year's show will be really fun :]

But the first day is always overwhelming. I remember being a new girl and wanting to cry it was so awful. I can see it in Mara and most all of the new girls, but they have some ambition and we'll all be fine. :]

So I've been excited, but with a new show comes new stress. I'm stressed out about a lot right now. :\ this just adds to the list. But I'm trying to keep a positive attitude in the midst of it all.

I'm worried about having to pay for a car, getting a new job for the school year and being super busy with everything again. :\ another school year is coming. It's not here yet, but I'm already feeling the effects of it.

Anyways. I'm sick of things holding me down and stressing me out.
627 days til I get to be free.
This freedom keeps looking better and better.

Anyways. I don't have anything really interesting to talk about today...



D:

I guess you're right, maybe things will be okay.

I'm having a really hard time lately. I'm trying to adjust to a lot of new stuff. I guess I am just kind of stuck with some of it. Every time something bad happens, I just want to go away. I guess I'm just tired of things happening that I can't do anything about. I'm tired of having to deal with pain. Constant pain that won't go away for a long time. And I know people who need to get away more than I do. But I don't want to deal with all the stress that I'm under. I guess I just have trouble not running away from my problems. I've been told that I tend to run away from my problems. I guess I just feel like I need a fresh start for things to be right. I don't though. I just need to stop being a ninny. "Still, things could be much worse" Maybe that's a pessimistic way to look at things, but sometimes things that are broken, can't always be put back together. Some take time :\ but some can never be fixed.

But maybe I've just lost hope because of the lengthiness of things.



A friend of mine told me today that everything will be okay. I guess I was kind of cynical about the comment. It sent me on a rant in my own mind listing off everything that wasn't okay and probably won't ever get better. And I'm sure that they weren't talking about all my problems. But it gave me a little hope to know that someone still has a little hope that things will be okay. I live most everyday of my life feeling hopeless. It used to not be like that... at all. I used to be full of hope for things to come, but I don't know what happened. Maybe things have just gone bad for me more than they have good.


But I'm still here and I'm still trying. So I guess I'm still okay. And maybe everything else will be too.