wish me luck.

I pretty much feel like crap right now.
It's pretty much been the worst Christmas I've ever had today, which is a big letdown cause Christmas is pretty much my favorite day of the year.
Anyway.
I really feel helpless.
I think that I've actually gotten to the point where I'm not going to try too hard to make things better cause it seems to just makes things worse.
I've ceased to put any more of myself into things.
like Fiona Apple says, "Whats happened has happened and whats coming is already on its way." All I can do is be here.
Time will pass and life will happen.
I cannot slow it down or speed it up. I obviously can't ever do anything right so what's the use in trying when the outcome is always painful.
I felt lost today.
I felt like I wasn't in my own head.
but that's the only place I was all day.
thinking to myself, just being there.
I'm done trying to impress people. I'm done trying to make people think I'm something I'm not.
People can feel how they want to about me, but I'm just going to be me.
I don't care if people get mad at me.
Unless they're really close to me.
I've come to terms with the fact that I can't make everyone happy.
If I could then, hey, that'd be awesome, but I can't.
And I'm sick of trying.
I'm so ready to do something.
To change something.
I want to be me but stay inside my own head. Anytime I say what I think, it turns out in a ton of pain.
I'm going to learn how to control myself.
I'm going to listen and observe, not talk.
I won't talk to anyone but myself and kara, who is basically my other half...I guess...(but how can I have another half if both Kara and I are already whole? I guess it's just something people say...)
So I'm am going to officially stop blogging as a kick off of me keeping things to myself. Because blogging is a way of publicly expressing your thoughts.
I mean I have a journal, and that is so much better than a blog cause I'm talking to myself so I don't ever have to watch what I say or beat around the bush or anything.
I mean maybe I'll occasionally blog about nice things like what I did today, but as of the end of this blog, no more opinions about anything.
And if I have a question to ask or an answer to give then I'm going to be blunt because I'm sick of trying to mind people's feelings and I know that's probably wrong but they asked me a question so they should expect me to give them a truthful answer.

I'm also sick of being complicated. I no longer want anyone to know what I really think or what I truly feel except for myself and Kara.

So there it goes guys. The beginning to a new attitude.
I hope this works okay.
if it doesn't then for those of you who care, there will probably be another blog up here sometime soon. :\

me, being pathetic.

the pain.
they cry.
My skin crawls at the thought of it.
Oh, I would do ANYTHING
if I could.
IF
My soul adhering to the idea
pure happiness
I guess the feeling is ceaseless
My high hopes will always be violently thrust back at me
I've changed my mind.
the worst is now helplessness
you can do nothing
abandonment
it would seem that I'd like to drain my soul of all hope
for the hurt
but for some unknown reason it won't let go
My hope is never lost
but will continue to agonize me
this is not my misfortune.
the bittersweet feeling of it all
they're taken
so far away.
I need this
it's so painful to think about
it going away
it not being there
God, what would I do?!
Power
They have it
they don't seem to know it.
consider.
use what you have for the good of those you love
for their happiness
my efforts seem to be redundant
but for what its worth, I'm trying.
I'm so drained
collapsing at every opportunity
its almost over
it won't be so bad for too long
LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING
you're throwing stones too, Hannah.
you're making things worse.
I can't find him.
he's distant.
please come back
I need you.
help me
Please.

Thanksgiving.

So Thanksgiving is coming up.
People seem to make a bigger deal out of the food than what the holiday is really all about.

Yet I'm sure you've all heard this before.
Thanksgiving is when you give thanks.
Hence the name "Thanksgiving."

So I figured I'd take up some of the space on my blogger to tell what all I'm thankful for and how greatly I'm blessed.

So for all of you who don't know, I have a best friend. haha. Her name is Kara and she is pretty much one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Kara really came into my life about 2 years ago. I'm pretty sure in was close to the end of spring. I had just started coming back to church as a result of someone who I used to call my boyfriend. :p She just came up and talked to me one day and we haven't stopped talking ever since. She is the only friend that I've had who is ALWAYS there for me, has been for almost 2 years now, and will continue to be for the rest of my life. She has been the most inspiring person in my life. If it wasn't for her I seriously doubt I'd be even half as close to God, or even a third of how happy I am today. She is one of the most intelligent, caring, thoughtful, and loving people that I've ever known. She is pretty much the closest to me as anyone has ever been. I feel like she was someone God planned to use to bring me closer to him and has been that way thus far. :p So there's one thing I'm UBER thankful for.


Another thing I'm thankful for is the Gunters. I feel like another one of them. I know that they all love me so much and they're probably the closest thing to a functional family that I've ever had. It's been really hard for me growing up practically motherless but now I have two families supporting me and it's one of the best things anyone could ever ask for. The Gunters have been the most supportive, caring, disciplining, influencing, sacrificing, and loving people to me pretty much ever. Even though they have quite a large immediate family I feel love for and from each one of them and I will always be endlessly thankful for that.

The next thing I'm going to say I'm thankful for is my friends. I have amazing friends. I'm so thankful for Cody who, to me, is a very giving caring person. Cody is one of the best friends I have and he is one of the best at listening to what I have to say. Then there is Jessy. Jessy is an amazing girl. She is so caring and is always there for me when I need her. She's like a walking support beam. She is one of many people I know who help me get through my everyday life. She's great at relating to me and knows a lot of what I've been through. Of course Mara. Mara is one of the nicest people I've ever met. She is so genuinely caring, giving, and loving. I know she is always there for me and I love her to death. John G. is also a very close friend of mine. John is a very caring and intelligent person. Not to mention he's a great listener. John is someone I really look up to because of how good he is with dealing with his parents. He is always so respectful to them and that's one of the hardest thing for me to do. Then there is Kirbs. Kirby is by far one of the nicest, caring, Godly people I have ever met. Kirby is one of the best at giving advise and he is very supportive. I know he'll always be there for me if I ever need him. Dan :D
Dan is always there for me and he is one of few people who actually really care about me and the things I deal with. He's just Dan, there's no one else like him, lol. Then there's Jared. I can always count on Jared to care if something is wrong with me. He's pretty much always the first to ask if I'm okay. He's like a little brother to me and I care about him a ton. :] Hannah Moore is just amazing. She ALWAYS makes me laugh. Hannah will always be the last person in the world to judge you and that's why I love her so much. Then theres a whole long list of all the people who just love me. Patrick who can always make me smile and is very kind. Alec, and even tho he makes fun of me all the time, I know DEEP down inside he really cares. John R. who can always make me laugh. I'll go on to say James and even though he can be a jerk :p I know he really cares. Also Mark P. who is very nice, caring, and generous. Pretty much anyone who is there for me. god has blessed me so greatly with the best friends I could ever ask for.

Then, of course, I'm so thankful for Chris. He is the only boyfriend that I've had who I'm best friends with too. Chris is another person who I know won't ever judge me. He's a very deep, creative, funny, thoughtful, and caring person. We share many of the same interests and ways of thinking. I'm just so thankful that I have someone so wonderful to connect to like that.

There are so many people I'm thankful for and one that I haven't mentioned is my family. I'm so thankful for the support, freedom, and love that my family has given to me all of my life.

The 3 people who I respect and listen to more than anyone would be Mark Laprise, John Pryor, and Dennis Mullen. They are basically my resource for God. Mark has known me since I was really little and he was basically the reason I found out about Morrison Hill. He also baptized me and is a big part of the reason that I am so close to God. John Pryor is the best youth minister I've ever had. He inspires me to think about things deeper than from what things look like on the surface and has taught me so much. While bringing our youth group closer and closer with every time we meet and his devotion in putting so much effort and care into what he teaches us, John is another one of the reasons I'm as close to God as I am. Dennis is the Pastor at my church. Along with what he does for our church and how much he has taught me and everyone at Morrison Hill, he has brought me closer to God and helped lead me to get baptized and really give my life to Jesus. I am so thankful for my church and everyone who has encouraged me along the way.


There is so much I'm thankful for. Among these things is my freedom. My freedom to write. My freedom to love. My freedom to worship. My freedom to express myself weather it be through art, writing, the way I dress, or the way I look. My freedom of choice of music. My freedom of being able to be whoever I want to be and do pretty much anything that I want to do. The freedom and rights that I have are all protected and maintained by all of the soldiers who are fighting wars all over the world today. Because they sacrifice their lives everyday just so that we don't have to and so we can have this freedom that we tend to take for granted.

I'm thankful for this earth and for the beauty God put on it, through people and nature.

Something else I am especially thankful for is my health. To have to see Kara and her family suffer through the health problems they all have, I've realized how truly blessed I am to be as healthy as I am.

Also I'm very thankful for everything that I have when it comes to food, clothes, shelter, money, family, and so many other things that I know a ton of people who aren't as fortunate as me to have.

Lastly and ultimately I'm thankful for God, who suffered and died for me so that I can have salvation and life.


Something else I wanted to mention in this blog is my mom.

Sunday night was the Thanksgiving dinner at church. During worship, I couldn't help but think about my mom and what she was going to do for Thanksgiving. She has no family, and nothing to be thankful for. I went in the bathroom and cried my eyes out.

I just needed to talk to her.

I called her, sitting in the bathroom stall, praying to God that she would be there.

I thought I knew she wouldn't pick up.

But she did.

She asked what was wrong. She said she knew I'd been crying. Something not many people could sense from so far away. I told her I missed her and she said the same and we exchanged "I love you"s between sobs.

She said that my grandparents wouldn't talk to her and she didn't know why.
She's been moving from apartment to apartment trying to save 20 dollars here and there.

She said it snowed.
Two inches.
I miss the snow.

But this isn't about me.
My mother is in a bad situation.
She needs prayer.
God does amazing things and I know this because he's done amazing things in my life.
So please, keep my mother in your prayers and may God bless you.

Thanks.

tsh. pfft.

I am the kind of person who doesn't like to participate in things drama related, especially in my own life.

See, the way I see it is, I love helping people, and I find most people need someone to talk to who can understand, relate and keep their mouth shut. I find myself to be generally good at this. So lately I've been trying to rid drama from my own life so that I might be able to concentrate on other people's problems.

I want to help other people because I'm so happy, and so much more than fine.
My relationship with God is pretty much better than it's ever been.
My Friends are set in stone and care about me so much.
My family isn't a big problem to me anymore.
And I'm pretty much just doing dandy.

But I know so many other people aren't.

So here I am happy as a mouse, trying to help other people with their problems and BAM drama hits me smack in the face like a guy who just told his girlfriend he cheated on her.

But the thing is, I'm not the cause of it.
None of it's my fault either.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like sometimes, people worry about me too much, you know?

I love it when people are there for me but when they talk about me without my knowledge "for my own good" it hurts.

You know people worry about me, true, but I want freedom sometimes.

Idk maybe I'm just dumb...

This week.

So this week has been...well, there.

Monday was supposed to be picture day for band, but due to rain was not. Which made my day eh cause I was looking forward to it.

Then Band practice on Tuesday got canceled, another thing I planned on looking forward to that day.

So basically I had nothing to look forward to all week except for the Halloween game.

Lately I've been trying to shift my focus from the past to things to come. So I've been trying to find things to look forward to.

Tuesday, I went home and cleaned for my dad, but he payed me so I guess it was really for me.

I also Faced a fear this day. Williamson yelled at me.
:[ Don't get me wrong I'm still deathly afraid of being yelled at, but everyone took it a lot better than I imagined, including myself.

My costume also came in on Tuesday and kind of gave me something to look forward to.

So Wednesday came. School, Kara's, Church, Sonic. Then my dad let me stay at Kara's wed. night so I was happy about that.

Then Thursday happened. A terrible collide of screaming, crying, responsibility, and choices. Then Thursday got so much better :]
So so much better.

I think that the reason that I clean when I'm upset is because I think it will organize things in my life and make them less complicated or something...

Friday was a day of absolutely no care at all. In a good way. I cared about nothing during school.

Although we lost the game, Friday night was amazing. I determined my favorite costume was John's J.D. impersonation. :D

Christina is making Kara and I scarves!
So then Saturday arrived, last competition of the year.
And to top this marching season off wonderfully, we won Grand Champions. :D

I have to say I almost cried because everyone was being so emotional about the Seniors. It makes me happy that we all love each other this much tho :]

And today has been quite delightful. John wasn't here to teach class this morning, but there was lots of food and a seemingly different topic of discussion.

All in all it's been a good week. :]
But I'm still praying hard.

mmhmm.

If you knew that something you were doing would hurt one of you're friends then why would you do it?
I mean come on, right?
Oh well.
Get over it, Hannah. You're in High School.
Of course there will be people who do things you don't want them to do. Everyone isn't always thinking about you.

No one is perfect, forgive.
You're not even perfect. People forgive you.
Gah, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
Doesn't this just make you want to stop trying and throw everything away?

when we bleed, we bleed the same.
we're all together in this world.
Everyone has been hurt. You're not the only person here you know.
How could you be so selfish?!?
Nothing can stay perfect whether it be something tangible or not.
Some things never change.
Some things get really stinking old.
I don't feel as close to some people as I used to.
But the feeling is mutual.
I think this is good. It is good that maybe it's not the stereotyped "dreamed for" kinda thing.
If it was then maybe it would turn out like every other one.
I don't think things are ending, I think it's at a constant.
Do I want things to stay this way?
Maybe, maybe I do.
But I'll only bend so far before I break. Only fall so far until I hit ground. I don't know if it will be good or not. If it will be soft, secure, and comforting. Or if it will be hard and rough and leave me scarred.
Only time will tell.
For this, I almost hate time.

A weekend worth blogging about.

So it all started Friday night. Football games seem to always put me in a good mood, but this one got off on a bad foot. Let's just say sometimes people can be annoying.
Anyway, despite me twirling terribly, I felt really good after half time. Josh had to leave the game early which made me sad but that's okay. So I got home around 11ish and went to bed around 12 I got a long sleep although it wasn't a very good rest. I had killer leg cramps which I am also expecting to be on the agenda for the next few nights. So I woke up around 12:30 the next day. Mara, Kara and I all got ready to go to John's house to celebrate his 16th birthday. Before we arrived, we dropped Austin off at one of his friend's houses. While we were waiting for Amy to get back in the car Mara threw Kara's shoe out the car into oncoming traffic, which was fun. Then we finally arrived at John's house, which was incredibly nice. Then we turned on the game. While we were there I did the following extremely fun things:
watched football
ate
made fun of Cody's face for being a butt
-played solitaire on Cody's warm lap top
-Played with John's dog Maggie
-watched some You tube videos
-watched everyone get drenched with water while blindfolded and trying to hit a pinata
-watch a cupcake war
-got really dizzy on a tire swing
-watched our band play on TV
-Sing happy birthday to John
-listened to a song that Cody's computer sings about Kirby.
-texted Josh and Mark
-laughed a lot
- and all in all had a really great time
So after all of this, I came home and Kara was on the computer and I hear a cellphone go off. I say, "Kara is your cell phone ringing?" while noticing Michelle's cell phone on the bed lit up. I went over to pick it up and notice it says that her number is calling the phone. Then I ran upstairs and Michelle started laughing. I answered it and asked her if it was my phone. She said yes and I thanked her and Billy whole heartily. Oh I was so happy. So I called Josh and was like holy crap I'm calling you from MY PHONE! and he was all happy for me and stuff.
It was great.
This weekend has been so wonderful and it's not even over yet.

Inside.

Sometimes I just wish I was inside peoples' heads. Some people just say things and it makes you wonder, did they think twice about saying that, are they serious, why won't they just talk to me, or do they really care?

Sometimes it's just so hard to communicate. And the question I ask often is, what are you thinking right now? But people aren't always honest about it, you know? I mean I've been asked that and lied because I didn't want to say what I was thinking about cause of logical reasons, but with my friends I need to be able to tell them anything and everything with complete trust in them that they won't judge me or spread the word. I don't know if I've gained that trust with them, which isn't good at all. So many things just take time and even though it's so hard to wait, you have to in order to have that special trust. And the people that I don't have it with, I can tell because they won't tell me anything either. Some things are better left unsaid to me I guess.

Anyway.
Game tomorrow! woot!
18 more days until Heroes comes back on NBC! double woot!
111 days until Christmas.

Me gusta hoy.

yes, I like today :]
I like Spanish.
I've given up on the Series of Unfortunate Events books. It just seems like it just keeps going on about these terrible things that happen to these children and I've lost interest. Anyway, I have a English project. A book report. WE CHOOSE THE BOOK! :] I'm wanting to read the Prestige. I'm kind of excited about it. I also have a Spanish project due soon. I've found(and by I, I mean Kara) two things with Spanish on them. A tag on a Care bear and a shampoo bottle. Also, I just found some Spanish on the back of a Sharpie packet thing.

So our first game is in 2 weeks. I'm so nervous.
I'm getting my hair cut Wednesday. woot!
I'm anxious to see what it will look like.

So Schools been kind of hectic, just keeping up with everything and all.
I'm all caught up as of now but in a few days you know all of that will change.

Guard has wings(not actual wings, just BIG flags)! I'm quite excited about using them. Plus if you mess up with them it's not very obvious, lol.

It's 5:30 and I'm listening to The Starlight Mints.
I haven't written in my journal in forever. I need to get on that. haha

Lost

I feel lost. Like I have no direction to go in. Even if I did it'd probably be wrong. I wonder what's going on in other people's lives right now. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like I'm disconnected from the world out here on buttermilk road. Or that I'm out in the middle of nowhere and no body really cares how I feel right now since they're off doing other things with their friends. I know I can't do everything and sometimes I have to slow down and take some responsibility, but does everyone feel like that? Everyone's gone here so there's nothing to do but pick apart my own mind. It's so weird. It make me want to just never come home. That always happens when I'm here. Maybe I can figure some things out this way though. I know nobody understood this blog. But I'm not so sure it was meant to be understood.

August second.

Today is Thursday. I'm currently in a very good mood. Tomorrow is the last day of band camp for this year. We tried out our guard makeup today. I apparently got the wrong eye shadow color. Mine was more blue than black. haha Anyway, regardless of what color it was I still looked completely ridiculous. But today was a good day. Even thought it took me forever to get this toss right that I thought was already right but then it obviously wasn't so I had to redo everything I was concentrating on and I probably won't be able to do it tomorrow. So I'll probably look really dumb tomorrow. 4 more days until school starts. The Bourne Ultimatum come out TOMORROW!!! I thought it was coming out on the 12 But I was very, very wrong. Dang it. I hope I somehow get to see it soon. :p
I'm almost done with the third book of A Series of Unfourtunate Events.
I played guitar hero today on Brit's Xbox and I'll hopefully get to play it later on tonight when she gets done raiding on W.O.W. :] I really like that game a lot. hehe
So After I get done reading all 13 of the Series of Unfortunate events books I want to start reading Yotsuba books. The books were made by the same people who made Azumanga Dioah. Which is an anime the I like to watch. There are 4 books. I can't wait to read them although it might take me a while to get used to the whole reading backwards thing. Since it's written right to left because it's Japanese. So I'm going school shopping tomorrow since it's the tax free weekend. I think I'm going to the Waggongers' this weekend also with the Gunters.
Well the best of luck to everyone who has band camp tomorrow and/or is starting school in 4 days.

Band camp #2 the fourth day

So today was fun and exciting I woke up and Michelle took me to the band room. We worked on the "basics" this morning, jazz runs, marching etc. Then Madison's mom took us to McDonald's and back to the band room. Earlier this morning we added some things to the opening song work and practiced it over and over and over and over. It took forever and I was pretty exhausted cause I was trying my hardest but it was all good cause it pumped me up. I started getting really excited about it. Then to top it all off Mrs. Stout gave us a big talk and told us all how great of an opportunity we have this year with guard. I'm so excited ad so pumped and so ready to do anything it takes to get our guard where we want to be. This year is going to be so great and I can't wait. The only bad thing that happened today is that something is very wrong with Morgan Estes's knee and she probably won't be able to do guard at all this year. :[ Which is really awful cause this year is going to be so awesome. I hope she'll still have fun though and maybe actually be able to do a lot of things with us anyway.

Today, the second day.

So today was the second day of band camp. I feel pretty good. I'm not too sore or anything. My wrists kind of hurt sometimes though. So I wore my new glasses today which I got last night and I love them. Anyway this morning started slow and as the alarm clock rang I didn't even notice that I was getting out of bed I went to band camp and surprisingly I didn't hit anyone in the face or knock anything over. Although I did almost take Madison's and Katie's head off. At lunch, Brianna took Morgan and I to Common Ground which was very expensive for the not so great food that they had. Anyway after we ate, Brianna decided she wanted to go through a car wash since Andrea drew on her windows the day before. So Brianna pulls into the Handee Burger car wash of all car washes and it squirt her car with a little bit of soap and water and then just stopped and stayed like that for forever and we all thought we were just going to be stuck in the car wash. So we made Morgan get out and go into the Handee Burger to ask for assistance. She said that every that was in there just looked at her like she was crazy. So anyway some girl came out and restarted it for us and was motioning to us on how far to pull forward. The problem was after the soap covered the windshield we could see the girl at all so Brianna didn't know what to do so we all just started cracking up. Anyway we pulled back into the band driveway about 5 minutes late blasting Icky Thump by the White Stripes. It was hilarious even though everyone was mad at us afterwards. Then the rest of band camp went by pretty fast and then I came home. :]

Stress

So I had guard practice today. I almost literally passed out during practice. I was already confused but then we didn't get to interact with the flag for the last page and a half. So Here I am I have to have down this 4 page guard routine on Friday and I have absolutely so clue what I'm doing. I don't think I understood what I was getting myself into. I'm so nervous about this year. I don't think I'm as scared or nervous about band camp this year I'm just dreading it right now because of the heat and the torture I'll be put through and I'm just not ready to be this person.I'm not the type to remember things. Thank God Kara's here or else I would never remember anything. So after practice I went outside to practice and couldn't even perfect the first 4 counts. I don't know what my problem is. However I do feel a lot more comfortable now and I'm going to give it my all and try my hardest. I feel more ready now than I did this morning. I know it will be hard but I'll just have to sacrifice a few things practice more and Pray to God to help me through this. I know my friends will be there cheering me on too. Well I'd like to write more but I don't think I'll have much more time to practice this. So I'm going to go practice one of my throws.

I miss my mom.

Well the visit with my mom last week was good, considering Hailey's visit a night prior to that. Hailey went to see my mom the night before the Anniversary party. Well, my mom was drunk supposedly and Hailey tried to talk to her some and then went to my Grandmother's house across the yard. Well my mom followed her. My Grandma (I call her Grandma Rose because her name is Rosanne) open the door to see my sister and mother standing there and she slammed the door. Apparent ally her and my mom aren't talking due to my mom breaking into her house and stealing some pictures of my Grandmother's. So Hailey took my mom back to her trailer and again went to see my Grandma Rose. When my grandma opened the door her nose was bleeding. My sister said that my grandma was sick from stress caused by my mom. There were multiple rumors of the cops coming and my Pappy John putting her in jail and my Grandma Rose being in the hospital and such. So we went to see my mom the two days later expecting for no one to be there of for everyone to be miserable. So we pulled into the sloping driveway which always scratched the bottom of our car. As we walked to the trailer I had flashbacks of being at that place as a child mostly seeing pictures of me there in my head. I remember seeing my "Old Pappy" as we used to call him (who I don't think we were ever related to) on his rocking love seat with his cat named Mr. Bubbles sitting under his swing all fat and gray. She never really seemed to like us. Instead I saw the porch with nobody there except a cat. Not Mr. Bubbles just some cat that ran off as we approached. My mom opened the door and smiled. I smiled too. We hugged and she hugged dad and Kayla and we all went in. Then mom tried to give us a bunch of tings like her old clothes and some home videos of us as children and some pictures I hadn't seen before. I saw one of my parents a long tine ago. My dad was clean cut a very slim but I don't quite recall what my mother looked like. Anyways they were kissing in the picture and I wanted to keep it but I didn't because I didn't think my dad ever wanted to see it again. My mom had made some Kool-aid for us. Kool-aid was a big thing for my family when we were still together. It was tropical punch. My mom told us that she was being evicted. My Pappy John told her she had 30 days to get out because my Grandma Rose couldn't handle the stress she brought to her. This made me worry but since I didn't want to ruin our visit which was pleasant thus far, I didn't bother to ask her what she was going to do.

We then headed over to my Grandma Rose's house. I saw the steps that we used to eat Popsicles on as kids. My Grandma wouldn't allow us to eat Popsicles inside. I remember the front porch with a swing and fake grass looking carpet thingy. A bunch of matching chairs and couches with matching flowery plastic feeling cushions. My pappy playing his guitar. Instead it was bear. We Knocked on the door. My Grandma Rose answered. So looked so sickly and frail. It seemed as if you could almost see right through her skin. I wanted to run up to her and give her a big hug. But instead I gave her a small slow hug for fear of hurting her. We talked to her about my cousin, Justin, who is fighting in the war in Iraq. We talked about weather and she gave us some boiled peanuts and some drinks. She said she wished she would have had a cake or pie ready for us. My Grandma Rose made the most delicious food I'd ever tasted. I miss her cooking so much. My Pappy John wasn't there. I wish he was though. I miss him. After my visit with my Grandma, we said our last goodbyes to my mom and went on our way. I don't think any of what happened sunk in until the other night.

I had a dream that I was having a wonderful lunch with my mom. She made a cake and all was well until my Grandparents sent someone over to take her away. I woke up suddenly. The clock said it was two something. I went out on the balcony and cried my eyes out. I came in to get my purse so that I could look at the picture of my family that I keep in my wallet. I cried for about an hour and wondered if my mom could hear me. I prayed to God that my mom would be okay and that she would stay alive until I could take her in my own house and take care of her and help her. I've never been upset about my mom like this before I've never dreamed of her before. For me it was always a hard truth that I blocked out of my head. But that night I couldn't barricade it anymore. I miss being a child when everything was simple.

So I'm up here in the beautiful state of Pennsylvania

Man did I miss this place. We woke up around 5 and packed up. We left around 6:15. My dad decided to take an alternate route this time because my Pappy said that there was a lot of construction. We were on interstate for the first 2 hours or so. Then we went through a cute little town called Staunton. Then it was nothing but small towns and super curvy roads for a long while. Everyone was road sick and had to go to the bathroom. But the overlook from the top of the mountain was a pay off. We finally got here and the campground is gorgeous and enormus. Our cabin smelled of cleaning chemicals and it had a large bunk bed, a little kitchen area and a picnic table. Outside there was a nice little patio with a wooden bench. To the right was a fire place and to the left a grill and a picnic table. My aunt LuAnn, Uncle Ron, cousins Jacob and Brandy. Brandy had her three kids, Cameron(12), Jordan(10), and Hayden(6). I haven't seen them in forever, so it was nice. We were going to go swiming but the pool closed at 7 and it was already 6:55. Needless to say we didn't go swimming. We went to the playground instead. We spun around on the merry-go-round. Then played "got it dropped it" which the neighbor kids made up when I was a small child. Then we ran around a bit. We then met these two kids. Their names were Shane and Madison their dad's are in a band together and they're staying until Sunday. We played volleyball with them. Cameron, Joradn, and Hayden left with Brandy to go get ice cream. They'll be back tomorrow though. Right now me and Jake are playing on his Wii. So until tommorow, goodnight!

Saying goodbye to my dearest Ruby :[

So the day that I have been dreading since Christmas has come. The dreaded day when my Ipod ran out of space. Thursday I think was when it happened. I had 989 songs and it didn't have any more space. Now I have 4 Cd's that I want to put on my Ipod but can't. So my beat up red Ruby is finally finished. I'm not sure what I'll do with it. I was thinking about sending it to apple for "repairs" in the hope of getting a new one without the engravings on it so I could sell it on Ebay. But if I just got the same Ipod back I thought I would see if I could get the engravings buffed out. If not I'd just sell it anyway. But now I think I might just put it in a keepsake box. I mean I loved that Ipod. I don't want to bother trying to get some money out of it. Anyways I've decided that during the month of July I'm going to save up and work for a new 30GB one. I want to get a white one. I'm going to make a cover/case thing for it while I'm in Pennsylvania this weekend. I went shopping with Kara, Brit, Michelle and her mom today. I went with $60 came back with -$10. I owe Kara $10 because I couldn't decide weather I wanted flip flops or a purse. ha ha. I need to work on controlling my money. :p
Anyway despite me not liking the design of the Ipod as much as the Ipod Nano, I think I'll be very happy with it when I get it. :]
Good day you all!

Rain

I was sitting in my dad's car on the way back from Kara's one night and my dad was talking to my older sister on the phone. It began to pour down rain. My dad needed gas so we stopped at a gas station. As we pulled under the roof of the gas pumps, a feeling of relief and protection washed over me. The sound of the rain stopped and even though I could see it I knew that I was, well, "protected" from it(even though rain can't do much to hurt you unless it's acidic or something). I found it so relaxing and even though it only lasted for a few minutes, as I was sitting listening to The Decemberists "Red Right Ankle" it was some of the most relaxing moments of my life. Maybe it's because rain's so hectic. Almost because people don't want to get certain things wet so they're always rushing under the nearest roof or to get home, or they don't want to be cold, or for the fear of water or drowning, the noise of it, whatever it may be, it just seems like everyone takes it as a pain in the butt which I guess it could be but I think that if you don't freak out about rain and rush to be someplace dry, when you do finally get to that "someplace dry" it the most wonderful feeling. Maybe it was just because I was in a car by myself while my dad was pumping gas, maybe it was the music, maybe it was even the smell of gas but for those brief moments, I could breathe in completely careless breath. I didn't have a worry in the world and I was well I could use a million words to describe it. My point is this, even in the most hectic of situations, you can relax most peacefully. That's probably incorrect in some way someone might try to argue with me or something but I don't care. This is me, trying to put you in this moment so you might understand. You probably still don't. This was just some I was intrigued by. I mean you might not agree but rain is such a wonderful thing. It washes everything away (not literally) away and makes it smell nice. I just like rain, but despite how much I love it, when I'm sheltered from it I feel better than ever. Anyways, I hope you can rest assured tonight, knowing the Teen Titans have your back. I know I will. I love that show :p Season 3 here I come. :D

Gum on my face.

You know what I hate?
I hate it when you blow a bubble with you're bubble gum and it pops all over your face.
That has happened to me 2 times in the past 2 days! You know, the worst gum to get popped on your face is Super Bubble. It should be called super sticky bubble. I swear the people who make this gum just want gum stuck to your face. The bubbles aren't very stable so the pop right when you're about to stop blowing it up bigger and when it lands on your face it forms to you and dries like cement...streachy cement. They should use super bubble to pave roads.
Man I love gum [=

By the by, while I'm on the subject of candy, did anyone besides me ever eat candy ciggarettes?

Update

This next thing is an update in my "list of things."

1. I haven't bought em' yet.

2.I've made it a top effort to be nicer to people and I have been. Even if it's just smiling at them in the hall or something. Occasionally I'll lose my temper and slip or feel like crap and not talk to anyone, but I've improved :]

3. I've started on it.

4. Haven't go to it yet.

5. not yet

6. not yet

7. not yet.

8. Started on it.

9. not yet.

10. I've started making bracelets again even earrings, but I still haven't played the piano in eternity.

11. I've started working and have made plans to work but I haven't gotten any money right now saved or anything.

12. I'd better go get my attendance records from the school before summer...:\

13.same as 11

14. Eh, it's been on and off, my eating habits have gotten better some though.

15. I started doing that but got sidetracked, I need to straighten out my priorities so that I don't have so much stuff that needs to get done :p

16. I've been doing pretty good with that.

17. I've been organizing a lot, just not my own things :P

18. I have been completely forgetting about this, but next Saturday we're going to go to K.F.C. and sell some as a squad.

19.Eh, I've not been doing such a great job with that.

20. I've improved a bit.

21. I've drawn 2 things since then. I need to get on that.

22. I've gotten a bit better.

23.I think I've done a lot better with this. There's always room for improvement though, right?

I'm adding some more too.

24.I want to start reading books.

25.I want to put a new word in my journal each day and use it 3 time that day. Yay for good vocabularies!

Business, distractions, remembering.

I'm distracted. I have so many things I need to remember and concentrate on that I forget about everything. I have to keep up with cheer leading, color guard, not to mention school itself and all my individual classes and projects, due dates, and homework. If I practiced as much as I should and if I did all my homework when I should and all my projects when I should and was more organized I think I would either have a lot more time for me or a lot less time for me. If I started exersising regularly and doing everything that I should when I should, I don't know what would happen. Personally I don't think I would keep up with it too long just because I have no self-control and can't keep comitments with myself very well. I think I would end up not having anytime for myself because I work so slowly so it would take me forever to do anything. UGH!

With tape for measuring and a straight edge

So here's something I drew a little while ago. I know it's not anything great, but it's a start. I want to keep practicing and try to get really good at drawing.

List of things

So I've decided I want to make a list of things that I want to do. So here we go.

1.Get these converse.

2.Be nicer to people/ make some friends.

3. Clean out my room.

4. Paint my dresser.

5. Paint my room.

6. Make and paint an easel for me...maybe.

7. Make and paint a piano stand/shelf/something to put my piano on.

8. Go through my stuff and separate what I want/need and what I don't want/need.

9. Make a shelf to keep all the trinkets and what not that I have.

10. get back into playing piano and making bead bracelets. Those were the days.

11. save up some money for a car. I want somewhere to sing loud, where no one can hear me.

12. Go get my permit one of these days.

13. save up some money for the beach trip. Yay hoo!

14. start exercising/running daily. Get in shape and feel better, have more energy and whatnot.

15. Read my bible more and keep track of my readings and discoveries in a journal.

16. Keep a daily journal. So I'll remember later on.

17. Get organized! M mm mm. Like Ms. Johnson, my cheer leading coach and coolest teacher ever.

18. Sell some more cards for cheer leading. Cut the money down that my dad will have to pay for our uniforms, sweats, etc.

19. write blogs more often. To keep in touch with my self, you know! ha ha

20. pray more often I need to get closer with God in all I do.

21. Draw more and practice more. I would love to be really good at drawing and stuff

22. not eat so much (wastes food and money) Also it feels like I'm hoarding it or something.

23. Be more humble.

Now now, I know what you're thinking "It's pretty sad that the first thing on her list is getting new shoes." But it's not top priority or anything. It's just the first thing I thought of. So I will update on my progress of these things later.

TIME

There's only so much time in a day or a week. What most people tend to do is worry about what they're going to do with their time, or at least I do. I mean what does "Wasting time" even mean? I've been told that I was wasting my time before at one point in my life.

No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine
-Fiona Apple

I agree with Fiona. How can you be wasting your time if your doing something you love or it's working towards something you would love?
I once suggested to some one the choice of not going to collage. They immediately told me I was dumb and narrow minded for thinking that.
But the thing is this, everyone has things that they like to do and that they don't like to do. Everyone has been told something all of their life.
Most parents raise their kids to think all there is to life is work and you must do good in school and go to collage and get a good paying job to support your family and if your wealthy it means your successful. I don't want to raise my kids that way. I don't want to force them to believe something. If your forced to do something, most of the time you won't be happy doing it. Like in the story Bridge to Teribithia after the church scene when they're all driving home and Jessie goes on about how he didn't think she liked going to church becayse he never liked it but she did. He didn't like it caused he was always forced to go and Leslie, who had never been to church, thought it was a beautiful thing.

I've been thinking about what I might do when I get older, and the picture in my mind is way too broad I have so many things I would like to do but like I said thate's not enough time for me to do everything I want to do, so I need to decide on one thing.

Choice 1.
I could go to collage major in photojournalism and directly start working right out of collage. Later, get married have kids and be a housewife.

Choice 2.
I could go to Bible school just to learn more about the bible and just get a job to keep me up and running and one day maybe get married and have kids and be a housewife from there on and maybe work sometimes.

Choice 3.
I could go to collage and major in education and be a teacher. The only flaw in that decision is that I would be working with many kids at once and I'm not sure I could handle it. But also get married and have kids and continue teaching until I want to retire.

Choice 4.
Kara suggested the other day maybe speech Therapy for children would be something good for me. I'd be teaching them and only be working with one child at a time. Then get married and maybed work part time.

Choice 5.
I could completely throw out the Idea of getting married and having kids and just work a ton and maybe adopt kids later.

Choice 6.
I could go to buisness school and major in accounting since I'm good with math and whatnot. Then Get married and have kids and be a housewife until they all get their own cars and then maybe go back to being an accountant.

All of these things I could definately try for and there are infinately many more things I might consider. Maybe I'm just thinking about it far too much. *sighs*

The Decemberists

Wednesday night I attended a concert. My Brightest Diamond (The same band (girl) who opened for the Sufjan Stevens concert that I went to) opened for The Decemberists. I went with Kara, Brittany, Sean, Savanna, Jesse(one of Savanna's friends), Josh (one of Sean's friends, and his wife Kathrine. It was held at the Tennessee Theatre. We had fabolus seats. We were in the balcony about the second row back in the center and it was a wonderful experience. Last time I saw My Birghtest Diamond I had never listened them before. I was amazed by her voice at the Sufjan concert. However I could see her this time. I absolutely fell in love with her music. She played different songs than the first time I had seen her. I think the reason I wasn't crazy about her at first is because I was anticipating the appearance of Sufjan Stevens. However we were seated behind a pole all the way to the right of the theatre. Needless to say they weren't the greatest seats and I hardly saw anything but the music spoke for itself. Anyways the concert was great and They did an encore, too. They played the Marner's Revenge song. The drummer had a single drum and was banging on it and pushing it around the stage with his foot. I loved it. Everyone was up and clapping and it was just one of the coolest things ever. I especially loved when they played 16 Military Wives because that was the first song I'd ever heard by them and just being there live when they played it was wonderful. I also really love it when they played Engine Driver just because I really like that song. I surprised at how many songs they played that weren't from their new CD, The Crane Wife, which is based on a Japanese folk tale about a poor man who marries a silk-weaver only to find she is actually a magical crane he once nursed back to health. So all in all it was a really great thing. I'd like to see them in concert again some day. I'd also love to see, Sufjan stevens again, and the Shins, Fiona Apple, The Arctic Monkeys, Bright eyes, Bloc Party, and a ton of other bands.

Out of the thought, it comes

I spend my days doing what I need to get by
I spend my nights thriving to inspire nmyself.
Theres not enough time
theres far too much space
good things turn wrong
the happy and sad all mixed in one
I can't tell which is which, confused out of my mind
climbing mountains and crossing bridges trying to find the door out of that room
Seeking what? I don't know.
Maybe happiness, maybe inspiration, maybe education, maybe love.
doing things, theres not enough time to know everything.
But curiosity overwhelms me.
Consumes me
To know can be a bad thing.
They say knowledge is power but did anyone ever think that power isn't always good.
what about the devil he had so much power that he fooled himself into thinking that her could take the place of God
To finish a thought has been difficult for me lately
I leap from thing to though in my mind
so why do they say curiousity killed the cat?
its only sometimes.
I'm not sure
Happiness is a necessity?
since when is that true.
I see people everyday frantically searching for happiness
for love and money and whatnot.
What no one realises it whats the most obvious to them

Ears, nose, throat.

Today I want to get a physical for cheer leading. My dad and I filled out some forms and then some girl called me into this other room where she weighed me, measured my height, checked my vision, blood pressure and my pulse. Which by the way she said that I weighed one pound more than I actually did. ;] So anyways she left and some other girl came in after forever of waiting in that horribly cold room. The next girl's name was Pam. She was really nice so she checked my flexibility, my neck and back, my heart, chest, lungs, skin, nose, throat, and ears. She said that I had a big thing of wax in my left ear(which was the first one she checked) and she said she'd be right back. I thought she was kidding. She came back in with a long white pick looking thing. The she began to dig in my ear. It was so painful. I thought she was just stabbing my eardrum or something. She asked me if I had hearing problems or ear pains or anything. I said no. Then she resumed with killing my ear. You could tell I was in a lot of pain. She said she was sorry and that that should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Then she decided my wax ball wasn't going to budge. After she killed my ear she said that I was going to need to put peroxide in it. Then she said, "I bet the other one's the same way. I thought to myself, Oh No not the the OTHER one, too! So she checked and said yep there's some major ear blockage here. I just thought it was the most amusing thing. But oh so painful at the same time.

uncontrolable anger

I've been so mad lately at everything and everyone. People make me mad because of their stupidity. I think to myself how much more potential they have how much "better" they could be. I know I shouldn't do this. I know I shouldn't insult people even within my own head. I take things and blow them up in my head to get a better look at it. To "see the big picture" better. I think about that one thing and that one thing only I try really hard to get the right answer to that very problem. But you see, sometimes I think that I forget to size down the problem before it come out. I kind of dramatisize things in order to make the right decision about it. I think when I'm "busy" thinking about things like this I tend to get so caught up in it that I can't talk to people becaue they're interrupting they're there and they keep talking and they won't go away. My anger is so uncontrolled because I just can't focus on my problem! They won't leave me alone. However, one afternoon I was sitting in my 3rd period class and some guy that I don't talk to told some cheesyish joke and I laughed at it. He looked at me, stunned, and he said, I think that's the first time I've ever seen Hannah smile. I thought to myself, I smile he just dosen't know me. But maybe just maybe that's how I come off to people a very angry stubborn little girl who thinks she's too good to talk to anyone. Maybe people think I'm prideful or just stubborn. I know my boyfriend thinks I'm stubborn. Maybe I am. I feel like I'm missing out. I feel like I'm trapped and even though I can go and do what I feel as long as theres a way, I just feel like I'm trapped maybe inside myself. I'm scared to do one thing because it's not what people expect me to do. I feel pathetic. I feel like I sit around all day when I could be helping people. Experiencing thing and getting to know myself and God. I feel like at the end of the day that I've not accomplihed much aside of finishing my homework sometimes. I feel like the only accomplishment I've had in the past year was getting baptized. It's already 3 months into the new year and what have I accomplished. What strikes me odd is I really don't care to accomplish anything but I get so upset when I don't. I don't want to be Valedictorian, or make all a's, or have the most friends, and the cutest boyfriend, I don't want to be the prietties girl or be the best at anything. I just want to live for God. I want to be truly happy with that.

But whenever I feel like I'm failing God I get an uncontrolled anger that rushes thought my blood like a hurricane. I can't do anything to be angry with everyone in my prensents. I feel almost like everybody's trying to prove me wrong or work against me. I feel trapped in a cage of people. I want to get out I want to leave here and travel a far ways away only to come back to a completely different place than I left, which would make me even more bitter and discusted. I just want to be friends with everyone, but it's almost like nobody want to be around me or like I'm just some stupid girl who hates everyone or something. I'm so stuck. It's so frusterating I can't stand to be in school I think it's pointless I mean yeah get good grades in school get into a good collage get a good paying job support my family. That's what everyone does and to me it's so boring I me yes it would sure be nice to have a family and a good job and a husband when I get out of collage, but I want to do something with my life I for one would love to be something different like a missionary. I want to effect peoples lives. I want to adventure and meet people who have no earthly idea who I might be. I want to change the world. People seem to see that and think, wow you're dumb. But why? is it cause I might not be capable. Well I thought that with God, all things were possible.

Haven't posted in a long while.

Tonight was very heartwarming and sad/emotional at the same time.
I went to church. There was a new girl. Her name is Shelbi. I guess since I don't know how to spell it I'll you the correct spelling according to Firefox.
She told us some things about her and her parents.
It touched me because I've been going through some things with my parents. I wanted to go put my hand on her shoulder or do something to make her feel like I cared and I was there for her but as I was debating whether it'd be awkward or not, She abruptly got up and left before I had the chance to say or do anything. However while she was talking about her experience she was crying and I started thinking about my mom and my dad.

Then I began to cry a bit and then, to my surprise, people started praying out loud for me and my mom. They became very supportive, more than ever. People starting talking to me about it and I've realized how lucky I am, despite my parents' problems, for having so many great people who care about me and are there for me. I've been in love with Morrison Hill for quite some time now. I'm so thankful that I have so many people who will help me out. I'm especially thankful for the Gunter's family because if it wasn't for them I would not be half the person I am today.

I'm so very blessed, and so thankful for that. Thanks to everyone for they're prayers and support.

My autobiography. I'm not whining, however I am being dramatic. That's what I do when I write.

Well Michelle and Billy aren't coming back Sunday, they're coming back Friday! In two days! With Kai! I'm so excited.
This is such a blessing.
Just goes to show how great God really is.

total change of subject here.

I remember I was in second grade. My teacher had short curly blond hair. My best friends' name was Mariah Martin. She was a small girl with light brown hair. She lived in a big house in the middle of a corn field. She lived with a little brother named Caleb, and her mother and father. We lived in a small trailer with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. We lived in Dogwood Circle. My dad planted five trees in our front yard in a straight line. We were "the Fischer girls" everyone in the neighborhood knew us. We lived right next to Bill. Bill was kind of a big kid and he liked wrestling. You can Imagine he was a big WWF fan. He had all the action figures and everyone knew it cause they were all out in his front yard. He had a little sister, who ate so much candy, all of her teeth were rotten. She was three years old. Then there were the Bartons, Erin and Chelsea. Nobody really liked them.
They weren't the best smelling kids of the bunch and everyone knew to hide your candy when they came around. Then there was Rainey. She was a good friend of mine and she was pretty shy and quiet, though. Then there was the creepy kid. His name was Derrick Wensel. He always won at truth or dare simply because he would eat ANYTHING. He didn't have a very good vocabulary, either. Every time you asked him what his little sisters name was, he would reply, "Me not know." Nobody knew his little sister's name or even how old she was, but she was old enough to talk and walk. She always sang that Shania Twain song "Man, I feel like a Woman." Kenny was the little boy's name. He moved to Dogwood Circle from Georgia, and everyone knew that because it's all he would ever talk about. "Hi, I'm Kenny and I'm from Georgia!" I remember one time he tried to kiss my sister behind the shed. We always had this little space beside our shed where we grew tomatoes. Well needless to say; He tried to make his move on Hailey, and went home kissless and covered in tomatoes. Of course, there's always a cute boy that every little girl liked. His name was Kyle Bowes. He lived up on the hill and dated every girl in the neighborhood. He dated my sister, Kayla, for a really long time. Later, she broke up with him because she said if they got married her name would be Kayla Rose Bowes. Todd Caris, the neighborhood bully. He was older than all of us and he picked on all of us, too. Although, that's just how life went in Dogwood Circle. Everyone knew everyone. I specifically remember our tradition of playing kick ball behind the trailers everyday after school. Everyone came whether we were good friends with everyone else or not.

My mother was 35 when we moved.
She had dirty blond curly hair. Her skin was dark and she had many freckles all over her. She was upset that we were leaving, yes, but nobody knew what she would do about it. The poor woman knew nobody. She had no friends. What could you expect? She did live 3 or 4 states away all 35 years of her life. She had no way to contact her mother, brother, father, or any of her friends besides mail. She worked in the campground office on occasion. Knowing no one, she was desperate for someone to talk to.

His name was Charlie. He was an older man, who drank and smoked far too much for being in his position. He lived in a small trailer on the hill. My mom went up there frequently. He would play his guitar and she would sing. My mom loved to sing. She played the piano. She played like a dream. She hadn't ever had any lessons either. I remembered sitting and watching her play as a little girl. She would sing her heart out. I envied her.

My dad had two jobs. He's had two jobs since we moved down here. Slowly mom grew apart from him. Further and further they drifted from one another. She began drinking far too much. She started smoking again. She started to leave at night after she thought we were all asleep. She never came back until the early afternoon. I remember her telling me that she left because she couldn't sleep with dad snoring so loudly, so she would go out and sleep in the car. I told her she should sleep in my bed but she said she was too big for my bed. She continued to leave night after night. Every time she came back more and more drunk. I remember my sisters crying and Kayla yanking at dad's sleeve asking if mommy and daddy were going to get divorced. He said he didn't know and me, being the hopeful child I've always been, tried everything. I tried making dinners for the two of them, asking them to do things together, and anything else I could do to get them back to who they were.

But then one night my mom went out with my dad's credit card and didn't come back for a few days. When she got back the credit card was maxed. $20,000 in debt. Yeah, we were in for the experience of our lives. We left a few days later without my mom we went up to Pennsylvania and stayed in my Pappy's cabin. When we came back she was'nt there. She and all of her stuff was gone.

My dad had filed for divorce without letting my mother know. He had called the police and had them come to the house. They told her she had 30 minutes to get all of her things and leave. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know where to take the animals. She didn't know what to grab. She didn't know if she would ever see me, Hailey, Kayla, Ginger, Julie, Tabby, dad, or the house ever again.

But she left and got worse and worse after that. She began sleeping with other men to get her by and have a place to stay. At one point she lived in someone's closet and when we would come to visit her she would be sewing or making a scrapbook in the closet. She began doing more and more drugs and drinking excessively. When she came to visit, she was always drunk. My sisters and I learned to be afraid of her, our own mother. We always kept our door locked and if mom came and knocked on the door, we would call my dad. As a motherless child, I learned a lot about being independent. My dad was never home and my sisters hated me. My mother was the only one who loved me. However, she was dead. Not in body, but in mind and spirit.

She finally got so bad she called her dad. Pappy John came here all the way from Pennsylvania to get my mom and bring her home. She went through a lot of rehab and therapy. She had taken many trips to the doctor's. We wouldn't talk to her for weeks and months on end. We basically got used to the idea of not having a mother. She got better, just not all the way. I see it like this; my mother used so many drug and alcoholic beverages that it killed most of her brain, therefore she was never conscience enough to be herself. She always slurred her words and talked for a long time and wasn't even aware of what she was saying to me. I remember being 12 and she called and told me to have safe sex. Totally random. I was scared because she was no longer my mom and I realized then that my real mother was dead and she wasn't coming back.

Yesterday my mother called me. I was informed about 2 weeks ago that she had Hepatitis. Well, when she called me yesterday, she told me she got a huge settlement. She was going to get a lot of money and send us a bunch of it. I asked her how she was doing and if she had been to the doctors or not. She said the doctors kept rescheduling her appointments and that she was just going to give up. I started getting very upset because I knew if she did that she would die, soon. I told her to keep the money she was going to send us because she needed it more than we did. I told her to go to the doctors and get better. After I got off the phone I was crying because I couldn't seem to convince her of anything. My dad asked me what was wrong. I got all hysterical and told him about it. He said, "Hannah, your mother is just trying to get attention." I then screamed, "How can you say that! She's dying, not trying to get attention!" He simply told me I was wrong because he once tried to change her. He has no faith, no hope, and no love. If her loved or ever loved mom he would do something to help her. All I can do now is call he and talk to her often. If I had a car and some money I'd go up there and visit her and temporarily take care of her until she got better. She's as naive as a child, and dad is willing to sit and let her die.

I need prayers guys. I need help. I don't know what to do.

Cake for you.

Yesterday, babysitting, was great.
It was a lot of fun. The kids were great. We played some games and watched Ice Age. Then I gave a bunch of kids rides on my back (resulting in my sore neck, haha).
I learned a lot, too. For instance when a kid gets hurt and might even start bleeding, you don't panic. It makes it much worse. Instead you change the subject as you treat their wound or as they're "recovering" from a fall or something. This girl fell on her knee and one of her scabs opened up and she starting bleeding then she showed me and looked really scared. I, of course, having little experience with kids, panicked. Then Rachel got some wet paper towels and Kara held it over her bleeding scab while Rachel looked for a band-aid. Then Savannah started talking about how pretty her necklace was and her and Kara both changed the subject. However, Rachel couldn't find a band-aid, so she taped some folded paper towel on her knee to keep the blood off her pants. It was really a great learning experience. I was very glad I learned how to deal with something like that.

Anyway, I feel like God's been trying to tell me something lately. I think he's trying to let me know not to worry about how I look or what tomorrow will bring and stuff like that. Worrying in general, also. Like I shouldn't worry about what I wear or how I look or act cause if people don't like me for who I am then I shouldn't worry about if they're my friend or not, right?
Well, lately I've had some pretty bad "self-esteem" issues. I don't know what to think of myself anymore. Do I over react and am I, in fact, a "drama queen"? Am I obnoxious? I don't know I've been trying to better myself but then every one's says I shouldn't worry about what people think of me, but then it doesn't work well with my self-esteem, and then people say things about me, and I end up right back where I started. What am I supposed to do, continue to fun around in circles on a wild goose chase? I can't do that for the rest of my life, can I?
I'm very distraught.
I don't know where to go anymore and I don't know where I'm coming from. My grades are slipping, my friends are getting mad at me, my dad's getting mad at me, I'm getting mad at me.
But, oh, I'm not supposed to worry?
Yes, I know, but how?
It's so hard.
Who ever thought of trying to not worry?
I't harder than it sounds.
I have no problems. None at all I create them myself and it's harder than anything to get rid of them. Like a bad dish.
You make a really bad dish, and noone wants to eat it. You can't waste it, so you have to eat it yourself and it dosen't matter how gross it is.
You can either forget about your "problems" that you create yourself and "waste" your life. Then pretty soon all your badly made food goes rotten, and you drown yourself in it. OR you can try as hard as you can to eat away at your "problems" everyday, then you won't drown in you'r own filth.
Wow. I just realised something big that I've never thought about before.
People (as well as me) create their own problems. Even if it's something like you're parents get divorced or a loved one dies. No need to get emotional. Seriously what's happened has been and gone, and what's comming hasn't got to be worried about. It's already going to happen and you can't change the future simply because it was already going to happen like that.

Time is very confusing also.
The only thing you can do is try your best and do everything you can to help people and live right.

That's all there is to life.
Man, I'm a genius. haha
That's totally a joke I'm not that concieded. wait, should I be concieded?
No, I should be humble, right?

Worring. I know I shouldn't be.

I'm really stressed out.
I'm so stressed that if I don't stop thinking about all of the things I am stressed out about, my stress will explode with anger to anyone who comes in contact with me.
So I'm going to use this handy dandy blog. :D
Well, here I am freshman year.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I have so many things I need to do but I just don't want to do any of them. Yeah, I'm going to procrastinate and then flip out at the last minute. Sad thing is, I know it before it happens. It's no body's fault but my own. I have absolutely no self-control.
Again, no body's fault but my own.
I have two books I need to read right now. Mrs. Wassom has assigned me to read Don Quixote. So far I have read five pages and tried to understand and taken notes on two of them. I'm fairly certain that it's about a Knight and a bunch of different stories or "tales" about him.
Which I have absolutely no interest in. I also have to do a book report on it, which I don't know the due date for because my teacher never specifies anything and I haven't been able to ask her because she's been out for the past few days.


Also, my career management class was assigned The Diary of Anne Frank Friday. I'm supposed to read the first fifteen pages of it this weekend and I haven't even opened it, which I know, again, is my fault. I noticed everyone in my class started complaining about it. I thought to myself, nobody here seems to realise what she's trying to do(she being our teacher), which was to teach us. Nobody seemed to care. Everyone took it in as a chore, not a privilege.
Nobody seems to value education anymore.
They seem to think it's a burden.
I was disgusted at how many people began to complain, and about how many people laughed at me when I was happy to hear we were going to be reading this book. These are supposed to be the "future leaders of America." Am I wrong? If not, then why don't they care?



Another thing I'm stressed about is when I think about me and compare myself to other people it seems like I am trying so hard to figure out who I'm going to be and what I'm going to do and plan for my future, but everybody else seems to have figured it out. They are all sitting back in their chairs and drinking their sodas, when I am constantly worrying "Am I good enough for this?" and "Will I enjoy doing this for the rest of my life?"
I don't know how they do it.
They all know what collage they're going to and what they're going to do, or they just don't care. I however, am clueless.
I have so many options but I look at all of them and I haven't even narrowed it down to a certain category. When people ask me what do you want to be when you grow up I normally respond with one of these three things: Teacher, Photojournalist, Writer, or Professional Photographer.
All of those are things for which I seem to "have a taste" for.

However, I also think I would enjoy being am accountant.
I'm very good at math. I'm in the Algebra 2 class in my school, which is the highest math class you can be in as a freshman. I seem to I guess "know" what to do with money. I'm good with finance and stuff. Which brings up a career as a Financial Advisor.

Another thing I love is animals. However, I cannot stand blood, shots, etc. Which eliminates the "Veterinary" choice. I would love to be a pet groomer and/or kennel caretaker.

Then there's the whole "kids" thing. I know I would love being around kids (teaching or daycare or something like that) I'm just not sure if I could handle it. I've always been the youngest and I'm normally not around any kids besides Seth, Landon, and Kenzie. I enjoy babysitting when I rarely have the opportunity, but I'm not quite sure how I would do with a group of anywhere from 17-30 of them. I'm sure my experience on Monday will help me figure that out because I'm supposed to help babysit a large group of kids.

So then there's photojournalism, which I never even thought about until Kristen brought up last sunday night. I thought wow that fits me pretty well. I love and have been told that I am good with photography. I also love and have been told that I am good with writing. So I think that would be great.

Another choice would be a writer. I write alot, wheather I'm writing poetry, stories, blogs, or just writing my feelings. I've made several of these things public and have been complimented on them. However, I don't have much confidence in what I write espically my stories, none of which I have made public or finished for that matter.

So there's my (in my opinion) very broad outlook on my career choices.
I know I'm only into my first year of high school, but I worry. I know I shouldn't only because it's kind of pointless to worry in my opinion, and it adds stress which dosen't help with my social life or anything else.
So I want to know, Is this normal? Am I missing something here?

Teacher?

It's around 11 and I'm up in the old office at the Cox's where Phillip, Kara, Sean, and Britt have school.
I was reading some reviews for "Freedom Writers" a movie I saw last weekend with Kristen, Kara, Mara, and Savannah.
I liked the movie a lot mostly because since I was in 5th grade, after having my favorite teacher, Mrs. Korneggy, I've been leading towards teacher as a huge career possibility.
I had always thought that teachers didn't like what they did but just did it to have a job and to torture kids. However, Mrs. Korneggy had always inspired me.
I'm not sure if she even knows or remembers me, but she was such a great influence on my life.
I mean what teacher spends their own money on her students just so they can have doughnuts? A good one.
She taught the accelerated math class and I had her for homeroom.
I vividly remember tow things about her.
1. She always told us about how good fresh Krispey Kreme doughnuts were, and tried to share the experience with us(via microwave).
2. Her vocab. word notebook. I remember we got a new vocab word every day and she would get pictures and put together a page with vocabulary words, definitions, example sentences, and pictures representing the word.

She was one of those teachers who were fiends with the student and not enemies.

I've actually had a few teachers like this, but none as great as Mrs. Korneggy.

I saw her a few years ago, I think it was 2, at a friends' 5th grade graduation. I said hi and she said hi, looked excited, and hugged me. However, she didn't look as if she remembered me.
Now I hear the kids on the bus talk about her as if she's their hero.
I want to be a teacher like that.
I want to inspire kids and change their lives.
Although, I've heard I'd be better at other things.

Leave me a comment and give your opinions on me being a teacher.
I know, I know, I shouldn't choose a career based on what other people would like me doing. I should choose what I like to do and go for it.
On the contrary, I always ask other people to help me out on big decisions and stuff. Plus I'm only a freshman. I have tons of time to think.
Right?

Across The Universe

Okay so Kara sent me these videos today and they are all the same song, just different versions.
Two of them are by some of my favorite artists.
It's originally by the Beatles.

Original (The Beatles):



Fiona Apple's version:


Rufus Wainwright's version:

Rufus' version is my favorite. However, I love all of the versions of this song.
I just love this song, now. :] I thought it was kind of interesting. Thanks, Kara.

January the fourteenth :]

I haven't "blogged" in a long while so here it goes, haha.
Last weekend was TCTC. It was a great experience. I really loved the speaker. Worship was great, although I wish I knew all of the songs they sang. During our "free time" we went to the local drug store and bought a 36 piece chalk set. We then drew rainbows, hearts, and "Jesus" in bubble letters all over the parking lot, which was very fun :D

Then I got sick and missed a day and a half of school so I was pretty busy the next few days trying to catch up and all. So there's my excuses, haha.

Anyway, Michelle and Billy left for Vietnam yesterday to get Kai! :D :D

I got baptized today. It was awesome. Mark baptized me :]

So anyways I've been over at the Cox's for the past 3 days and tonight I'm going to stay after church and watch a bunch of movies with Kristen, Kara, and whatever other girls stay with us.

I got stuck in Landon's monkey bars today. I need to realise I'm not a second grader anymore. I need to stay off little kids toys. Before I break them all. :[


So all in all today has been a great day. I very much enjoyed it.

So that's my song.

Currently:
listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (a recent favorite)
it's 4:26
I should be outside cause it's sooo pretty out today.
I'm in Kara's school room thingy.
I'm still sick but I feel great. Hmm paradox.
God bless!

"I'm a Christian" an over-uesd phrase?

In my opinion, yes.
"I'm a Christian" *is* and over used phrase
I think that many people say that, but never think about it and how other people look at them.
It kind of makes you mad how people say one thing and do another, right?
If people go out there and tell everyone that they're a Christian, but still do things like smoke, swear, have a "careless" attitude, and things like that, people who aren't Christians are going to think, "Oh well if this 'Christian' does it then it's go t to be right. No one seems to think about things like this at all. A lot of peoples' lives are merely focused on the other sex. Too many girls live their lives around boys. Frankly I find it annoying, but that's probably just me feeling sorry for them. I mean they think they're having "fun" by making-out with all these guys but that only lasts for a little while. God lasts for ever. ETERNITY people! YOU'RE ETERNITY! People don't seem to take it seriously. I don't know what to do about it. Do I have to talk at them like they're a child? I mean people just don't get the fact that when you die you either go to Heaven or Hell there's no "in betweens". People say things like I'm a Christian because I'm a fairly good person and I go to church sometimes. Well it just doesn't work like that. People think it's easy to get into Heaven all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and it's all set, you're in. No, this is supposed to involve you're mind, soul, and heart. One, you have to mean it. Two after that you can't just go back to having "bad habits" such as drugs, sex, swearing, ext. People just don't get it. It surprising actually.

I ran into a guy the other day who was like I know I'm a bad person, and I know I'm going to Hell. I'm just going to sit here and do nothing about it. My reaction was surprised. I was so surprised that someone knew they were going to burn in a fiery lake for eternity and were content with it. I know that they would be sorry when it actually happens but if I said that to him, he would say something like he doesn't care. I mean he actually said he likes smoking pot, and he'll do it until he dies and he likes sinning and he's going to die sinning. He apparently thinks it's too hard to try all your life and get rewarded in the end. He really just doesn't care and he will do whatever he wants and then when the time comes he'll die and burn in hell for it. But he's perfectly fine with that.

I think this would kind of clear things up. He obviously enjoys things like freedom and pleasure. But he doesn't seem to understand that he is going to have neither of those for a much longer time if he decides to just go to Hell. I mean he believes in God and he knows God is real he believes what the Bible says and is content with going to Hell. If he turns his life around and does end up going to Heaven, he'll be really happy there, for ETERNITY. He is doing all of this so he can "enjoy" his life now, but if he'll sacrifice that much for short term happiness I don't understand why he won't try while he's here on Earth and then die and enjoy his ETERNITY in Heaven, rather than enjoying what short time he has here on Earth and dieing and suffering for all of eternity.

Some things people think they're smart for and they think they've thought it over, but no one can express enough how log eternity is. No one seems to care anymore.

January second, a day of realization!

Today was pretty good.
I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep tonight, cause I have school tomorrow and I have to catch the bus. So I'll be extra tired.
I thought a lot today about a lot of things mainly concerning my religion and the way I act and look at things. I thought a lot about the sermon last Sunday, and "finding happiness".

I realized that I seem to be focused on the wrong thing too much. I'm always focused on other things like relationships, education, and money. Things like that have been distracting me from the big picture, which is God. I don't read my Bible much and I don't pray much. I normally hear the words people are saying (more specifically my preacher and Sunday school teacher) but I don't take their words in and pull them apart and examine them. It just kind of goes in one ear and out the other. The crazy thing is I never even thought of myself as that kind of person I always thought I was fairly smart and listened and took things in. Recently I've been *really* hearing what Dennis and John have talked about. I really feel great about this and I've realized many things today.

Anyway I will be blogging on several more things this week that I've realized.
God Bless!

Hola New Years

So hello everyone and Happy 3 hours and 5 minutes past new years. Because technically, it's only new years for one minute... which is really weird and cool at the same time.

Okay I think new years is completely pointless, seriously think about it this way.
This is a day where everybody stays up late and watch a big ball with light bulbs all over it go down a pole and when it gets to the bottom, they all clap and trash the streets with confetti, streamers, and balloons for a bunch of people to clean it up that night. And then everyone goes and gets drunk.

On the optimistic side it's a tradition that humans have used for years to really exaggerate the coming year, but have taken it a bit too far with the drinking and "ball".

One of the things that bothers me most is in fact the "ball".

it's almost like people let a ball determine time, and even if it is right it's retarded.
Seriously, a glittery lit up ball that everyone stares at for 10 seconds before they start their new year. I've never thought about it before. I really would like to know who came up with this idea. It's so pointless and weird, if you really think about it. Me going on about this is pointless, too because they are not going to stop using the "ball" on new years. Then again what's the point in a blog if not to express what you think.

Any who, let me tell you about my day. I didn't get much sleep last night at all. I stayed up until around 5 cause I couldn't fall asleep. I got up anyways and got ready for church. John taught and I really liked it. Then I came back to the Gunters' and slept for a long time and then kara and her dad went to the store and got a bunch of snaks for a "mini new years party" and I ate way too much. I swear I had food or drink in my mouth at least every minute or so. It's so awful. Any ways me and kara played with Seth some. Then we played cards and Monkey Ball. Then we watched the ball drop and make fun of some rap singers, which was amusing for a short while. Then new years was over and Kara, Britt, and me all came downstairs. Britt played Viva Pinita while kara and I watched. Then we all occupied ourselves with something. Hopefully I go to bed soon or I can fall asleep at least and not wake up at 2 in the afternoon. I've gotten into a habit of doing that this week.

So here's the Plans this week.
I go home from Kara's tommorow :[
I go back to school Wednesday :[
TCTC is this weekend :]

So here we are, resolutions.
1. At the end of this year I want to have some money saved up for a car.
2. I want to actually have a HAPPY new year.
3. I want to have my room redecorated at the end of this year.
4. I want to maintain my weight at 105-115
5. To read the Bible more often.
6. To start reading more often.
7. To blog or write in a journal at least 2 to 3 times a week.
8. To maintain a good grade point average.

So that's my song.
goodnight lovies.