Note to self: prayer is powerful

I was going through some pictures on my computer and I came across this one. It reminds me of how long I've been best friends with my best friend, Kara. This is her little brother Seth I think he was 5 in the picture and now he's 7 and crushing on girls on TV way older than him. This was when Luke, his little brother wasn't even around. I feel like I'm growing up way too fast. I know it's a little cliche, but it reminds me of how short life really is. And how little time I actually have to make a difference in this crazy massive world. It kind of puts me in my place. Helps me realize how small I really am.

Me and Kara had a life changing discussion in my car this morning after church. lol I cried a lot. I'm so grateful to have a friend like her. After our crazy discussion on a variety of topics I asked her, "Do you think we're the only two people in Kingston that sit in driveways and talk about stuff like this?" She responded with, "Yeah, probably." Indeed, a reassurance to my oddness.
I think I've questioned my affect on this world a lot lately. I was reading an article by Shane Claibourne, a super christian who I feel remote and inferior to(not the title he intended, I'm sure), and it made the point that if America has become so materialistic that the death of an innocent human(the Black Friday fiasco I'm assuming you've heard about) as a direct result of materialism won't make people realise this is a little out of hand, then what will. Again making me feel like I can make no difference at all to these people. So I was thinking this morning and was strayed to a verse which I have no recollection of reaching in thought. It was a bit from James Chapter 5 and it reads,

"...and the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well...the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

I'm considering actually making a new years resolution this year. One to try my best to be righteous so that maybe I can begin to heal the world a bit through prayer. You see, I think we're all sick. Sick of life and theories. Sick of explanation and political correctness. Sick of lack of unity and loneliness. And I want everyone to be better again. Cause I and many other Christians(I believe) are sick as well. Sick of everyone being sick. And if unceasing faithful prayer has power. I will take what I can get and pray a persistent prayer that I know God will respond to. A prayer of care for the people I love and those I will learn to love. A great healing prayer.

Anyway this reminder gave me a lot of hope. Hope that a merciful God will hear the prayer of a mere child.

it's way past my bedtime though. So there's some thought.

Note to self: what he says doesn't matter

If I could have any superpower in the world it would be having the ability to ignore what my dad says to me. I really can't wait for the day when I can leave this place. I love Kingston it's my home, but I really don't belong here. Every day I am alive I realize more and more that I don't belong here. Not just Kingston but on this Earth at all. There's too much crap here. Too much stupid crap. I'm just searching for a ray of hope while I'm stuck here.

I decided that I'm done making excuses. It's starting to annoy me. Laziness is pointless. Think about it what good is it going to do you if you lay around instead of doing the things that you need to do? none, perhaps it even makes matters worse. This is why I want to rid this lazy factor from my life. Nevertheless, it's still a work in progress.




Welp I'm done here. I'll end with a verse

PSALM 3:5

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

Note to self: Don't cry

So yesterday was my last day of school. We had our nine week's test in Pre-Calculus or as Mr. Bowman likes to call it, our "cumulative exam." Mr. Bowman is an interesting teacher, to put it nicely. I respect the man very much and he's probably one of the best math teachers that I've ever had, but he's cold and mean as all get out and he's super intimidating(although I think that's what he wants us to think). He has a very dry sense of humor and emphasizes how much he doesn't care about his students. Anyways the nine weeks test was pretty long and we had a sheet with the questions and another to bubble in the answers. Well I decided to not bubble in any of my answers until I was done answering all of the questions... bad decision. The bell rang before I even finished the test and I had to run because Kara had to go get her brother from the elementary school and she was my ride. So I figured Bowman would let me come in in the morning and finish the test, oh was I ever wrong. He has really scary cold eyes might I add... he shot this look at me so filled with anger that I couldn't help but burst out in tears when he said no. I threw the test down on his desk and started to get my things while tears were just pouring from my eyes. He asked me why I wouldn't just fill in the bubbles and I said that I didn't have enough time cause I had already take a bunch of time getting him to sign my exemption sheet. Anyways he eventually broke and told me to come in at 8am and I would have 15 minutes to finish it. And I know everything was okay after that, but that didn't change the way I felt just then. They guy treated me like I committed a freaking murder or something. Now he is an excellent teacher, but he never cuts his students any slack. Anyways I just cried until we got close to the elementary school. It seemed a lot more tragic at the time...

The next morning I came in and he told me if I cried on him like that again he would just get colder and harder on me. I don't know how much colder he could've gotten. But he told me never to cry to him again. And I was just quiet. I think I'm going to end up acting like a scared dog in his class after that incident.

It was just weird cause I think the last time I cried was weeks ago. I think it's a healthy thing to cry though. but then I cried again today which was also weird. It's like I'm going on a crying spree.

I cried cause I was listening to the song "Somebody's baby" by Jon Foreman (a beautiful song) and reading the lyrics. The song was just so sad. Here are the lyrics and the music just total's the effect, if it really interest's you you can search Jon Foreman on google and listen to it on his website, great song. Anyway, here they are.

She yells,

"If you're homeless sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there or begging for junk

When people don't want you they just throw you money for beer"

Her name is November she went by Autumn or Fall

It was seven long years since the Autumn

When all of her nightmares grew fingers

And all of her dreams grew a tear



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still



She screams,

"Well if you've never gone it alone

Well then go ahead, you better throw the first stone

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees"

She dreams about Heaven, remembering Hell

As a nightmare she visits and knows all to well

Every now and again, when she's sober she brushes her teeth



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still



Today was her birthday, strangely enough

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police

They got her ID from the dental remains

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains

The birth and the death were both over

With no one to grieve



She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby

Somebody's baby girl

And She's somebody's baby still

So yeah It's pretty sad and it makes me think, where was everyone. You know, all of God's people. I just don't understand how this can happen when there are so many people filled with the overflowing love of the Lord.

After all the greatest commandment is "Love the Lord your God with ALL YOUR HEART, ALL YOUR SOUL, and ALL YOUR STRENGTH." sounds like a lot of love to me.

I guess this little cry session reminded me of this and I thought I share the love. lol

Goodnight.

Note to self: you are made of dirt.

I find it ironic.

Everyone is so unwilling to get "dirty"
Dirt isn't really bad...
No one ever wants to sit on the ground or walk in their bare feet for fear of getting dirty.
But we were made from dirt, so why is it so hard to embrace what we once were?

I think it's just one of those things that no one thinks about cause it's been pounded in our heads since we were young. "Dirt makes you dirty." "Dirty is bad."




Just a thought.

Note to Self: Everything is awkward

especially in high school. There is just so much stuff that can go wrong and it does a lot. Then everyone is in a rush to get what they need without someone noticing. it's full of awkwardness. Then you get to the point where you try to avoid it and look out for it. After that it's all you think about and you don't enjoy anything anymore cause you're so busy doing everything else and worrying about that things might be awkward.

I'm going to try really hard not to worry about that kind of stuff anymore.

Note to self: Decemberist's release on the 14

I love The Decemberists.
I'm excited because they are releasing 3 new albums over the next 3 months.
As far as the content, I'm not worried a bit.
I'm positive that I will fall madly in love with every bit of it and will have a crazy Decemberist binge for the next 5ish months, at least. There's something about Colin Meloy's fake British singing and the oddly matched stand-up bass, accordion, and other random rarely used instruments that I can't get enough.

This blog has nothing deep, besides my everlasting love for this band, but if you were looking forward to or expecting that, I'm sorry. It is late and I have an interview tomorrow. After I burn a CD for the road tomorrow, I need to hit the sack. I'm sure that no amount of coffee will help me to keep from yawning for half of my interview tomorrow.

goodnight all.

Note to self: You are handcrafted.

The night was just starting. There were people waiting all around. It was that stuffy feeling that makes you think, 'Wow, there are way too many people here than there should be'.

Shoulders back, head up... I would repeat it to myself over and over. You should be so proud to be a part of this.

Everyone looking at us in awe. And was I ever proud.

Later the lights started to come on as the night sky began to darken. Before I knew it I found myself anxious as ever to see our rivals. They were very mixed feelings of hope, respect, and competitiveness. I heard the taps of the snare drum and watched as the girls, resembling little dolls, went out and floated around with the music. I saw rhythmic colors of green and blue. Their eyes sparkled. But soon something went very wrong. I didn't know how to feel about it, but before I could think about it I was running out there myself. A quick glance at the press box made me feel a little uneasy. Thoughts of "What ifs" and disaster ran though my head. Then I remembered that air that she talked about. That air that is so hard to achieve but would polish everything beautifully. Chin up, Hannah, you do thins everyday, focus. Tap, Tap, Tap and I hear the voices approaching like an army, "...17, 18, 19, HASH... Band halt!"
Next came the announcement of the respected people and blah, blah, blah. When you tune everything out and all you can think of is "Oh my gosh, am I really doing this?"

"Mark time mark"... silence... I watched the shoulders of the person in front of me go out and back in and I knew that was the last moment I had to hide. "Take a breath!"

Yelling and gasping for breath we got to the end of the song. Perfect, I thought proudly. Before I knew it the show was over and we were marching off the field. I didn't really know what happened out there. I can't really remember. It went by so fast.

'GUARD!' it was how we were called and we all knew exactly in what tone it was. 'Mrs. Stout wants to see us after third quarter!' Whatever this was it was important.

It was 2 til and I was bracing myself. I wasn't sure what to expect.

'GUARD!' There it was again.

Crammed into a little area partially enclosed with cement blocks we all nervously awaited a response.

'Do you realize that each one of you is handpicked?'


'Think about that for a second. Each girl here is picked out of a whole group of people and pulled together because we thought we could make this work.'

'Well guess what, we did!'
The whole guard yelled in excitement.

We then received news that. People cried when we performed and people stood dumbfounded with their jaws dropped at us. We were also told we could very possibly come out at the top of our class at Seymour if we kept this up. The thought of that made me want to just die, it was so amazing. TOP OF OUR CLASS?! We thought we would never do it again. But there we were Bold, polished, and more proud than we've been yet this season. I felt like I could take on the world at that moment.

Friday night was amazing for the RCHS Color Guard. But when Mrs. Stout was talking about how we were all handpicked it got me thinking about God. I thought about how he made each one of us so detailed. He handcrafted each of us to to be unique and beautiful in our own ways. I thought about how crazy it is. God knows me better than anyone, he knew me even before I was born. He made my personality develop the way it did for a reason. God knows what he's doing and he knew what he was doing when he created me. He did this INTENTIONALLY. I wasn't just a person. I'm not just a meaningless form of life. I have a deep calling from God to fulfill my purpose. Who am I to misjudge God's own creation.

Now I should feel like I can take on the whole world.

Note to self: your obsessiveness scares people.

So anyone who's known me for at least a year knows that I start getting excited about Christmas WAY too early. And now is about that time :] It's that time of the year when things start to get a little cooler and everyone starts to take out their warmer jackets and are forced to be around each other. I love Christmas. It's my favorite part of the year. I love everything about Christmas. :] I love celebrating, decorating, and looking at decorations. I love Christmas foods especially candy canes. I love Christmas clothes. And I love how nearly everyone is with their family or the people they love on this day or want to be even if they can't. I love Christmas parties and I love how almost everything is closed and there are Christmas dinners and people share their love. I love it when you get a present that's so right for you from someone who knows you that well or when you find something perfect for someone and are so thrilled cause you know it will make them happy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas. It's amazing. I honestly don't care what all the cynics say about Christmas. It's one of my favorite times of the year. :] Anyways I've broken out the old Sufjan Stevens Christmas albums and Relient K. I've also found a new holiday album that I love, Don Peris, Brighter Visions Beam Afar. Most of the Christmas music I listen to is Folk. :p I guess that's just cause I'm weird, but I love it. :D :D

Anyways I know it's not even October yet, but there's some Hannah Fischerness for ya! :]



So I have something a little deeper to talk about now. Tonight in youth group we talked about some stuff in second Peter regarding husbands and wives. Some of it also had to do with God turning away from evil and favoring righteousness. Anyways one of the verses was about how true beauty shouldn't come from outward adornment. I believe this as true, what bothers me is that a few eyes looked my way and a few people probably coughed my name a little in their own heads when they heard this verse. I know every body's not going to read my blog, but I'd like to say that I dress the way I do as a form of self-expression. It bothers me that people assume that if you wear make-up it's because you're insecure about the way you look and you think make-up will make you pretty. I know some people think I'm dumb for wearing make-up sometimes, but I do it to express myself outwardly. To me make-up, design, and style are all forms of art. Getting "dressed up" as people say, to me is like drawing something or painting a picture and I love doing it. So I'll continue to do it. Not to say that I can't go without dressing up or wearing make-up cause I do that all the time and it doesn't bother me. But I hate it when people assume that I wear make-up or dress differently because I'm insecure, and don't get me wrong, I'm very insecure, but not about that. I could care less. If I wanted people to think I was pretty or whatever I wouldn't do my make-up the way I do or dress the way I do at all. If people haven't noticed, I don't dress "pretty" I dress different. I do what I want concerning that and I'm not worried about my appearance, unless it's professional, like I'm applying for a job or something. Anyways I wanted to say that here cause I felt like I needed to defend myself a little. You don't know what you think you know until you really know it. So don't assume why I am the way I am or why I do the things I do if you don't really know.

On a lighter note. I came up with a new blog name that I love and redid my profile. I like it, but I'll probably be changing my layout shortly to go along with my Christmas spirit :] lol

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
-Come Thou Fount

(probably one of my favorite holiday hymns :D)

Note to Self: brethe in, breathe out.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to calm down and breathe.

This afternoon I was thinking about God and about how I know God and I want to know him better. It made me think about feeling God. I feel God sometimes, but I want to feel God all the time. I was thinking about how empty I felt today and I just started crying. I couldn't stop crying and had cried on and off since then for a few hours. I'm not sure what to do. I really am trying to feel God but I'm not sure exactly how... I guess it's one of those things you have to figure out yourself and it's not the same for everyone and stuff.

Note to self: Be dumb. Learn right.

There are many possible reasons why things are the way they are. However, there is only ever one correct reason or combination of reasons and truth holds, you never REALLY know the reason until you know the reason. For instance, in my picture, there is really only one right answer as to why those scissors are set the way they are and I could make some really good guesses as to why it might be like that. But truth is, I don't really know why until I know why, until I find who put them there and ask them why. Thus, I shouldn't pretend to know the answers, right. John Pryor has always taught me to take everything to the nth degree. So if I believed this to be completely true, I would apply it to every aspect of my life.

God made the earth. I don't really know this. I BELIEVE this with all my heart.

I think one reason people tend to get worked-up when Christians try to share the good news with them is because they try to tell people that what we believe is fact. In the spiritual world, this is fact. However, in this world, this is not fact. It's a theory. This is what people call forcing your religion on people.

One thing that was made apparent to me today is that you can't come from you're own perspective on everything, especially when you're trying to get other people to think the way you think. You've got to take on the perspective of a dumb person, otherwise you learn things are the way they are because they are, not because of why they really are.

I also realized that what I believed is a big jump. Think about it. If I came up to you and said, " I believe that an all-powerful being who has ALWAYS existed created everything and then had a son. His son was born of a virgin human girl and he was perfect. He never sinned and performed many miracles. He healed many people with a touch of his hands and fed thousands with little food. He walked on water, too. I also believe that He was crucified and after being put in a tomb for three days rose from the dead and ascended into the heavens, which is a place that Christians go when they die. So I'm going to spend my whole life worshiping and serving God, whom I cannot literally physically see, touch, hear, smell, or taste."

Does that seem a little ridiculous?

When someone believes this and then says that it's stupid to think that the earth came into existence from a ball of matter that exploded, I find it a little hard to take in. That is, coming from a dumb person's point of view. Anyways, just some thoughts.





Just recently I've started to realize how much the world affects me. It's sad and it makes everyday a battle to overcome what is constantly thrown in my face. I also think I'm lazy. I thought about the concept of laziness the other day and it made me a little sick. I feel like things would be a lot easier if I just stopped making excuses and did what needed to be done.

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna, come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know...
Home, home, where I wanted to go

Coldplay - Clocks

Chewing gum.

My dad said something tonight. It made a lot of sense but I guess it didn't really click with me until now.

It was something along the lines of "If you're smart, you'll learn from your mistakes, but if not, you'll just keep making them."

I swear I have a sixth sense for these type of things! Maybe not, and it was just horribly predictable. haha

Nevertheless, again I have a change to face. I will be stronger. I think I'm ready for a little change in my own mind right now. A little confidence change. I want some. I think I try too hard to please everyone. I need to reassure myself everyday. I'm done hating myself because other people do. God is the only person I'm ready to please.

Bones sinking like stones
All that we've fought for
All these places we've grown
All of us are done for

Coldplay- Don't Panic (I know I've quoted this before.)

I have this overwhelming feeling that God has something huge planned for me, but I never thought about if I just died. To think all that I believed in would die off with me. Or it most likely would. I want to make a positive impact in this world. I want to stand for all things good. I was thinking about dieing earlier and then I thought to myself that it was very selfish of me to think that.

So with this whole confidence change, I don't want to become big-headed. I want to be open minded and equally confident. I don't understand how that works though. :\


I want a car and a camera. I need a job :[
I hate reality.

I'ma goon.

So we got mail from Peru today. Enclosed in the envelope was a picture of Sandra. She's grown so big! Lately time has made itself known to me and has also vanished right before my eyes. We celebrated Seth's 7th birthday this past weekend. I can't believe he's seven years old! Heck I'm a Junior! I'm surprised I've made it this far. Kayla went off to college. Along with all the other seniors. Cody is about to turn 19! I mean seriously I think about these things and I'm like wow, wait what? And part of me still hasn't comprehended it. Surprisingly I've been more excepting towards it. I tend to be like my sister when it comes to moving on in life. Last year she cried all day her last day at school. Most of her friends told me about it and said that the teachers had to offer her tissues it was so bad.

Anyways I guess I just don't like the outcome of change sometimes. Change is a painful thing for me. Somehow though, I'm okay with it right now, but not at the same time. I think I've just realized that things will change, I'll adjust, and they'll change again. It will be a never-ending cycle, and it will last a lifetime. Things change and no matter of me crying or being upset will stop it. Plus change isn't that big of a deal anyways. I mean having to adjust is one thing, but sometimes things can change for the better. If things never changed no one would ever go anywhere; no one would ever move on. Plus everyday is one day closer to when I'll get to see my Father in Heaven and it will be a glorious day! So I look forward, even if it means change. Change is just part of the package and sometimes it is good. :]

You’ll be free, child, once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
-Bright Eyes, Land Locked Blues

Things are starting to make sense.

Yeah it's true. Everyday things start to make more sense to me about this world. They make sense, but things still aren't right.

My mom called me the other day. I miss her like crazy and can't wait to see her. That's just one of the reasons that I want a car and my license so much. I'm thinking Christmas break is when I'll get to go possibly? Depending on if I get another job soon.

My mom has made some really dumb decisions, but no human has ever loved me as unconditionally as she has. I probably talk to my mom once a month if I'm lucky. It's usually the highlight of her month too. I really want to see her, mostly because I think it would make her so happy. I told her I wanted to see her and that when I got my license and a car a friend and I were going to go up there and visit. She began to cry. I thought to myself how can someone love me so much? How can someone miss me so much?

You have no idea how much I want to talk to her face to face. Just to give her a hug. Just to see how she's doing.



So school's started back up. I'm really optimistic about this year. Except physics. I think all my classes will be really exciting and really beneficial to me! Except physics. I think science is so boring. :\ I mean today we talked about all the forces that were acting on a box that a girl was pushing. It just seems really lame, and, quite frankly, I don't really care either. I mean why do you need an explanation for little things like that?! It seems pretty ridiculous to me. I think sometimes people get so caught up in how things are happening that they miss why they're happening. The really important things in life seemed to be overlooked because people are always trying to find an explanation. People spend so much time trying to figure out where the world came from and how everything developed that they miss it's beauty and it's representation of the power of God. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to let things be. I think creation is something that we're not supposed to fully understand as human beings, at least not technically. Why can't people just say to themselves that they may never understand and that's okay rather than driving themselves insane looking for answers?


Well there was my little ramble about science. haha

Wilco- Wishful thinking

Fill up your mind with all it can know
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking

All I wanna do...

I saved a kid's life the other night. It was exciting. It was like 9:45 at night. I jumped in with all my clothes on. The air was really cold. I didn't get a thank you, but I guess I shouldn't expect it. After all, it's my job right?

I guess I was just shocked by the lack of caring on all accounts. I mean if someone had just saved my child's life I would do something more than get them out of the pool. I might be concerned about what happened, if the kid was okay. I'd probably thank the lifeguard... at least.

Something that has always bothered me is when someone has a kid and doesn't have responsibility for them. Having a child isn't something to be taken lightly. It's not like getting a new car or something. It will affect the rest of your life an your entire family's life. It will affect the future. Too many people don't care about that though. I don't mean to say that this is why adoption exists, but it a big reason. It's sad that children suffer all over the world because people tell themselves that they can't handle something that they got themselves into before thinking about it. Of course there are other reasons that kids get sent to orphanages, but is one of them. It bugs me.


Anyway, my rambling won't help anything.

Don't forget what you've learned all you give is returned
And if life seems absurd what you need is some laughter
And a season to sleep and a place to get clean

Bright Eyes- Cleanse Song

Every little thing is gonna be alright. :]

I'm trying to conjure up a new name for the 'ole blogger. I'm fresh out of ideas though. I want something that actually describes what I write in this little white box here. :p So if you have any ideas, sharing wouldn't hurt :D

So these past two days have been pretty crazy. They go by fast, but they feel like multiple days rather than just one. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I haven't had a day off in a really long time. It's starting to get to me. I've just been crazy busy, just constantly running. It's only the second day of band camp, but I'm incredibly sore. :[ I've been trying to stretch a lot, but I just don't feel like it at night and I'm constantly going during the day. Maybe I'll start stretching at lunch or something. I've decided to stop stretching during swimming lessons though, kids ask too many questions. It's hard to explain to a child how my legs hurt from standing, kicking, and pointing my toes all day and how stretching makes it feel better. haha

I have a little girl named Anna in my lesson 2 class. I was talking to her after lessons today and she asked me if I had any kids. I was like, "Wow, I hope I don't look old." haha I really wonder why she asked me that though. :p But yeah I just thought I'd share a cute story to ease the depressed tone a bit.


On a deeper note, I'm really trying to stop worrying so much. Many bad things have come of my worrying. :\ I guess some good things have come as well. I don't know though. I'm really trying to trust that things will be okay. I have a lot on my mind and no time to straighten it all out and what not right now.

Oh life, with your colorful surprises...
...Forget about yourself and all your plans
-The Henney Buggy Band, Sufjan Stevens

Have an open mind and learn something.

I worked this weekend, and in the process of working I had a lot of time to talk with one of my co-workers/boss, Jonathan. Somehow, everything we talked about ended up turning to something regarding God, Christianity, Religion, etc. It was pretty cool actually. It got me thinking about a lot. I think it got him thinking about a lot, too, which is a very good thing. :] He seems to me to be one of those very laid back "Christians". He ended up helping me realize that sometimes I take things way too seriously. I'm way too hard on myself and I worry way to much. I think I helped him realize that he's not taking things seriously enough, especially God. Which is awesome. At the first pool party we worked together, I was the one bringing up God, mostly because well God is what my entire life is about, but by the end of the week, he was the one asking me questions and engaging in spiritual conversation. It's pretty cool how God works.

Saturday morning I read a new post on my best friend's blog about fear. I started thinking about fear. I realized that fear is something I create myself. Pretty soon, I'm creating my own limits. I'm limiting myself from great things! So then I started trying to eliminating some irrational fears that I had by getting to the root of the problem. I realized that most of my fears were social. I hate interacting with people that don't know me, especially with older people anywhere from teens to near death, but I don't have that much of a problem with kids. I came to the conclusion that I'm afraid of adult confrontation, speaking in large crowds, drawing attention to myself, and even speaking in class because I feel like everyone's judging me. I couldn't figure out what to do about it and I figured thinking out loud plus another input could go a long way. So I asked Jonathan. He starting talking about how it doesn't matter what people think about you, blah blah blah. Yeah I don't know if I believe that it doesn't matter what they think, but I find myself tip-toeing around people's minds for they're satisfaction. And I think THAT is ridiculous. God's judgment is the only judgment that matters to me. That doesn't mean I'm going to start being a close-minded rebel. I think people are one of the best ways to learn. I'm just going to be myself. I've even tried it out a bit and I find I like myself better that way. When I'm not constantly worried about people thinking I'm some awful person when they don't know me.

Then I started thinking, what if something I'm doing is really wrong and I've misinterpreted or missed something? Jon pointed out that I seem to take things like that way too seriously. That it might be wrong for me to worry so much. Then I started thinking, "Yeah, I know I worry a butt ton, and I shouldn't, cause it says not to in the Bible." It's a verse that I refer to way too much, but don't follow like I should.

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)

Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I never applied this verse to my life cause it never made sense to me that you didn't have to worry about anything and try to live a sinless life at the same time. Because we make mistakes everyday that we don't even think twice about.

Then I remembered another verse that God pushed on me a long time ago, but I never got it.

Romans 8:28 (NIV)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It doesn't matter what happens. Both good and bad things will happen no matter what I do. I can't control everything. All that matters is where my heart is. What I want and what I'm trying for.


Anyways that was my revolution that I had this weekend. It was pretty cool to feel like I had everything in perspective for once. :]

Ending in lyrics of an amazing Coldplay song with not only beautiful music but fantastic lyrics. I SO wish I could see Coldplay live! They have been all I can listen to since I heard their new album.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In a little while I'll be there.

So band camp starts on Monday.
It's pretty much coming way too fast.
I guess I'm excited. It's pretty bittersweet.

Anyways I've been thinking a lot about having jobs and my career.
Also about college, money, etc.
It's starting to stress me out a little.
I think I'm going to be in school for a while.
But I don't know if I want to spend more than 4 years in college. Four years is fine with me but anymore I'm not so sure of. I also think that I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I don't know what's coming at me. I'm also thinking I'm going to have a really hard time making up my mind about college. I know I have a little while to figure all of that out, but I think it's best to think ahead. That what I always do. Even if it means I end up worrying. That's just how I am.

anyways I'm going to be pretty busy starting tomorrow. :[
There are some things on my mind that I'm not sure if I should concentrate on them or not. I guess I've just not been the best lately with everything.

I leave you with some lyrics of a song that I've randomly chosen for whatever reason.
I think I'm going to start ending all my blogs with song lyrics. This one is truly a great song. :]

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

-Snow Patrol, Run

Reality is too dissappointing.

"Writing was just a dream, something to dive into when reality became a little too brutal."

I can relate to this. That is why I was so thrilled to come across this blog.

I was browsing the World Vision site and was somehow linked to this woman's blog. Her name is Anya and she has a pretty crazy and tragic story. I started reading some of her more recent posts out of curiosity and was hooked by how well written it was. So I went into her archives and to the very beginning of her writing in the blog. I've been reading it like crazy since I found it. It's given me a bit of a perspective change as well.

See, I used to think that homeless people were just too lazy to get a job for whatever reason. I never really thought about how they wouldn't have an address or anything. I also never thought about the embarrassment of it all. I think if I were in a situation like that one, I would def. not want to approach any other person about a job, let-alone asking for help. I would feel lower than low to be an adult and have gotten myself in that type of situation in the first place. I would def feel like I got myself into it and should get myself out. I've always hated that I'm dependent on people to live. It really bugs me. It makes me feel like a mooch. haha

Anyways I thought it was neat :p
I hope everyone has a great day.

I'd like to know how you're doing

I was checking my myspace today (hard to believe I know :p) and I scrolled down only to find that I had "New Messages!" and "New Comments!". This is the first time that I realized there were exclamation points placed after the notifications. I was surprised and thought to myself, "why?". haha I guess I never paid much attention to them for fear of feeling lame and realizing that a certain excitement was aroused inside of me from receiving a "New (whatever)!". As if every time I see this, I am reassured that I still belong to humanity because someone has something to say to me. I guess that makes me lame, but since when is that news. I seem to find a new way to be identified as lame each day.

Anyways this discovery seemed to link in with a lot of things I've been thinking about lately. I was reading Proverbs this afternoon. I was sitting out on my front porch cause I just got off work and was sorta cold from being wet all evening. (I love lifeguarding though)Anyway it was sort of cold inside and warmish outside so I changed into some dry clothes, made myself a nice warm bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, poured a glass of cold Brita filtered water, grabbed my purple blankie, and my good ole Bible, and headed out the door for a mini picnic on my porch. Matt (my sister's boyfriend and my own co-worker) pulled up to this picture of my weirdness and I was sad cause his perception of me probably was downgraded by seeing this as he asked what I was doing and commented with an "oh...interesting..." after he saw my bible and probably thought I was performing some type of spiritual ritual or something. He did interrupt my prayer of thanks for my meal though. lol

However this is all besides the point. After I ate, I opened my Bible to Proverbs and was reading about wisdom and adultery mostly. I thought it was cool how it referred to wisdom as a female person. A "she" to be exact. But it went on about how she was there with God before the creation of the world and she was the craftsman at his side when he gave the sea it's boundary. So it got me thinking about why God even made us. I know it's a question in a lot of people's minds. Some things I've been reading lately led me to a conclusion. I think God planned for us to keep him company. I think he was lonely in that dark formless abyss of nothingness that existed before Earth. But what he intended earth to be, turned out entirely different than he planned. But yeah that's my opinion that was to be formed. :D

Yay for forming opinions!
I desperately need to get to bed.
Goodnight all. :]

not going anywhere?

So I've been thinking a lot about friendships.
I think when you're friends with someone it means a lot more than you just hang out with them sometimes. It's a deep caring, trusting relationship. I've learned in these past several days that people who I thought were my friends really don't care about me that much and I can't really trust some of them either. When you're friends with someone, you need to be able to depend on them first of all. If you can't depend on them the relationship is unstable.

I mean if you can't depend on someone, you never know what can happen. You're basically on your own. Like if you do something as little as asking them to do you a favor and you can't depend on them, they may bail on you at any given moment. You can't ask them for anything, not even for them to keep a secret for you. If you can't depend on them, it's really hard to be friends with them unless you just become completely selfless.

Another thing I've realized about friendships is that when something happens,(an argument, a disagreement, an accident, etc.) people tend to cut it off and not fix anything. I guess it seems easier to most people. Anyways, I hate that.I mean what's the point in having a friendship if you have to constantly worry about them dropping everything and leaving because things get a little hard? It's tempting, I know. I don't think a friendship is really a friendship if you always have to convince them that they should keep being friends with you. It just seems a little ridiculous. I hate having friendships that are threatened like that.

I think what it all comes down to is some stuff that I've heard Dennis talk about a lot. Each person needs to deny themselves and pick up their cross. It's not a 50\50 thing. Each person gives 100%. Maybe this is why the saying goes, "A good friend is hard to find."

I guess I just end with wondering what happened to, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

God, put your hand in this place.

We need you.


I went to hang out with some friends tonight.
I love my friends, but I fear for them.

I feel like every day I see how much worse this world can be. I see how much more we need God's love and grace. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should be doing something I just don't know what.

I do know this though. I want to stand for only good things in my short time that I have. My heart is breaking all the time because this world isn't right. Things are just so twisted and wrong. And it's so painful to watch. SO PAINFUL to witness. I don't know though. I don't know much right now though. I've just been going off my "instincts". What I think is the Holy Spirit inside of me. I feel something inside of me beating, hurting for things like this and I think it's my heart. I guess it's just a matter of faith.

I feel what I think is my heart coming back to life.
I love it because I can feel God so much now.
I felt his presence so strongly the other night going to bed.
I was so focused and nothing in the world could stop that feeling then. All of the temptations of the world hit me and blew right past me. It was truly amazing.
My heart used to be alive. It was pretty dead for a while.
I like that my heart is awakening again, it's painful, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dreads :]

I want to get dreadlocks. :]
I think they'll look awesome and it'll be fun to try something new.
I've always thought they would be cool but it was one of those "someday I'll try it" things. I'm actually seriously considering it though now. I'll have to save up a little money first cause I want to get them done professionally and I'm going to have to take really good care of them if I want them to look good. I'll need to get special shampoos and stuff.

Also, I think it'll be a cool thing to experience. I know people will put me down and stereotype me for it. I know some people will judge me for it. They think they know why I did it without even talking to me. It's really annoying though that I have to think about all of this before wearing my hair a certain way. I already know what my family will think. Which really bothers me. I think that if you love someone, it doesn't matter what they do or how they look, you should be ok with it. For instance, my sister got a tattoo on her back when she came to see Kayla's graduation. I was shocked because my family started talking about her behind her back. They all think that she's throwing her life away. I don't. I love my sister and it she has a tattoo on her back that doesn't change who she is. It seems like something so simple that everyone should understand. It's like another form of racism. And more people need to know the truth. It's wrong to judge people like that. And this is partially why I'm doing it and it'll give me some great perspective as well. I know I probably judge people all the time because of things like this without even thinking about it. So I need to realize that that's not what my heart should be like. Anyways this has gone way to far in what I've thought. It's messed up that all of this crap comes with getting a new freaking hairstyle.

Me getting dreads isn't going to change who I am. I'm not going to start smoking pot or something insane like that. It really hurts me a lot to think of how people will change their thoughts about me the way I change my hairstyle. It shouldn't be like that.

Anyways I've made up my mind. If I don't like them or something. I can just take them out. But yeah I'm not doing it to be different. I think that's stupid. Everyone is already different. I'm doing it for two reasons.

1.because I think I'll like it and want to experience it.

2. Because it's so terribly wrong that I wouldn't do my hair different because of what people might think about me.

If I don't do something that I want to do because of what people will think about me, I'm letting ignorant people control me. And I'm sick of ignorant people being in control.

I'm not stupid. It really hurts me to know what some people have already thought about it and I don't even have them yet.
whatever though.

RUN

I AM STRESSING MYSELF OUT LIKE CRAZY.
I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I COULD EXPLODE.
I AM REALLY WANTING TO GET AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS CRAP.
I JUST WANT TO RUN FOREVER UNTIL I REACH A PLACE WHERE NO ONE EXISTS AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE CRAP I WANT.
I AM SO SICK OF MONEY AND JOBS AND SCHOOL AND BAND AND ALL OF THIS CRAP.
I WANT TO DIE.
someone please give me a gun.

When the truth is, I miss you.

I had guard practice today and I've started to get excited. I think this year's show will be really fun :]

But the first day is always overwhelming. I remember being a new girl and wanting to cry it was so awful. I can see it in Mara and most all of the new girls, but they have some ambition and we'll all be fine. :]

So I've been excited, but with a new show comes new stress. I'm stressed out about a lot right now. :\ this just adds to the list. But I'm trying to keep a positive attitude in the midst of it all.

I'm worried about having to pay for a car, getting a new job for the school year and being super busy with everything again. :\ another school year is coming. It's not here yet, but I'm already feeling the effects of it.

Anyways. I'm sick of things holding me down and stressing me out.
627 days til I get to be free.
This freedom keeps looking better and better.

Anyways. I don't have anything really interesting to talk about today...



D:

I guess you're right, maybe things will be okay.

I'm having a really hard time lately. I'm trying to adjust to a lot of new stuff. I guess I am just kind of stuck with some of it. Every time something bad happens, I just want to go away. I guess I'm just tired of things happening that I can't do anything about. I'm tired of having to deal with pain. Constant pain that won't go away for a long time. And I know people who need to get away more than I do. But I don't want to deal with all the stress that I'm under. I guess I just have trouble not running away from my problems. I've been told that I tend to run away from my problems. I guess I just feel like I need a fresh start for things to be right. I don't though. I just need to stop being a ninny. "Still, things could be much worse" Maybe that's a pessimistic way to look at things, but sometimes things that are broken, can't always be put back together. Some take time :\ but some can never be fixed.

But maybe I've just lost hope because of the lengthiness of things.



A friend of mine told me today that everything will be okay. I guess I was kind of cynical about the comment. It sent me on a rant in my own mind listing off everything that wasn't okay and probably won't ever get better. And I'm sure that they weren't talking about all my problems. But it gave me a little hope to know that someone still has a little hope that things will be okay. I live most everyday of my life feeling hopeless. It used to not be like that... at all. I used to be full of hope for things to come, but I don't know what happened. Maybe things have just gone bad for me more than they have good.


But I'm still here and I'm still trying. So I guess I'm still okay. And maybe everything else will be too.

So I'm back from the mission trip. Things have been insane lately. It makes me just want to leave again. What I would love is to go back to Wamblee. I just want to hang out with those kids all day. I'm beginning to love kids more and more as I work with them. It reminds me of the beauty of a blank piece of paper. There are SO many possibilities and great beautiful things can become of them.


Anyway, I went to South Dakota thinking I knew what to expect. What I thought I was going to see, I did see, but there's something about actually seeing it for yourself that makes it so real. I can see it in something other than a picture. I saw their neighborhood and my heart just broke. I wanted to go in and take them all back home with me and take care of them. But I knew I couldn't. I knew all I could do was support these kids and encourage them. Give them truth. And maybe someday, if we keep this up, they'll help to better their own community. So on the way back to camp I cried. I cried because I wanted to pull these kids out of their horrible living situations and bring them home with me. I knew that I couldn't though, for many reasons. I can't just make everything better, but I could help.

If there is anything I learned that week it was that you can't force love on someone. Now, I loved all of these kids and I've been missing them like crazy since we left, but most of them can't understand that, so we have to slowly show them how much they are loved by us through and because of God. This is something that they can't really grasp when they're so young and when most of them don't even know what love is or even what God is. I'm convinced that just going back over and over again is the best way to help them at least begin to understand some of those things and encourage them to read into it more and really try to understand.

While I was a Wamblee I met some really great kids. First and foremost, Sequoia, not because she was my favorite, or because I think she's better than any of the other kids, because those things aren't true. I just got pretty attached to her. She was a sweet little girl. She had a good heart, too. Which was cool to see in a kid so young. Anyways she liked to wear make up :p The last day I got to see her she was wearing purple eyeshadow. She has 10 siblings and seemed to have a good family for the most part. She told me how much she didn't like living in Wamblee. She talked about Rapid City like it was some great city far far away that she would dream about and loved to go there, but I think she just saw it as a better place than Wamblee. It would be a cool way to help her understand Heaven. Heaven, like Rapid City... a better place. :p But yeah she was special to me. I wrote her a letter the other day with a picture in it. I can only hope that it was the right address and that it's is going to get to her and she'll write back soon.

Then there is Karly. At first she come off as kind of snobby and stubborn. A real "give me this give me that" type of girl. But as the week went on and I grew closer to her and all the other kids, I realized that she's grown up in an environment where there wasn't much to be had and no one really had much. She was stubborn because you can't really trust anyone there. People beat up people left and right. People get raped and mugged. Their houses get robbed and vandalized. Usually family is the only people you can trust, but most of the family structures are really messed up. Anyways, Karly just takes a while to warm up to you, but it's worth it in the end. She's a very loving kid, and to share love with her and be loved by her is so special.

Then there's Kendra. Kendra is very cheerful. I'm pretty sure she was the happiest kid I met. She loved to have fun and she loved to mess around with people. She was really cute though and could get away with anything. She was the one who painted my entire face blue. There's a very memorable picture of her smiling face in my memory. She was really awesome.

Then there's Penelope. I didn't get to talk to her much because she was very shy at first as were her sisters Ambreya and Stormy. However when I did talk to her she was very sweet and innocent. She was quite the cool kid. When she wrote her name, she wrote every letter backwards... which is just awesome. Then of course there's Alicia, Jakayla, Emily, Amber, Serina, Winter, Sun Dance, Chaylyn, Cheyanne, Ben, Moto, Spring, Angel, Autumn, and many more kids that I didn't get to know as well as I wished, but am looking forward to seeing them hopefully this Winter or next Summer.

Anyway the trip really put the spring back in my step and helped me get up on my feet again. Since the trip, all I've wanted is to go back. I miss those kids so much it's been all I can think about.

But I will end my blog now.

Everyone have a fantastic fourth of July.

Oh, we're sinking like stones.

So I'm leaving on Friday! 2 more days! ahh!


Today I walked into the guard room to two of my coworkers talking about how they hate it when people push their religion on you. I didn't make any comments, simply because I agree as well. Of course, they were probably talking about Christians, most people around here really aren't around much other religions. But that's where I agree with them. If someone came up to me and forcefully tried to tell me what they knew was "true", I would probably react in the same way. I mean most people have a place where they stand when it comes to what they believe and practice.

I'm proud of myself though, because all of my coworkers know that I'm a Christian, and it's not because I shun them everyday for not being Christians. I don't even know where a lot of them stand on their beliefs. Anyways They all know that I'm a Christian because of the way I live. Which is really cool, to me. I've paid attention to where these people stand when it comes to beliefs and such and one thing I've noticed is that they don't like "Bible beaters". So I've been extremely cautious as to what I say to them about God and things like that. I've been trying to treat it very much like a race. Like my skin is just a different color than theirs. I respect that they're different than me and don't try to change them every chance I get. They know I want them to be Christians, like me. I think most of them believe in a God, probably the same as mine, they just hate all the other things, like people's knowledge. Dennis preached a sermon a while back saying that most young adults believe Christians are just anti homosexual, judgmental, and are only concerned with converting people.

That's not what we're supposed to be though. We're supposed to be real people looking to strengthen real relationships with God and others. So my thoughts are that I should just keep doing what I'm doing. I'm def. not pushing my religion on them, but they know where I stand and that I respect where they stand as well. I'm just afraid of where my place is with some things. I mean is it my place to even ask them what they believe? And I'm afraid of my response. What if they say I am a Christian, too? Is it my place after that to hold them accountable for things? What if they say, I believe in you God, I just don't practice Christianity? Is it my place to ask them Why not?

I just have to pray about it. I truly believe that God will give me a great opportunity to do what I'm supposed to do, but I just don't know if I'll recognize it or not...

Oh, all that I know, There's nothing here to run from, And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.
-Don't Panic- Coldplay

a perfect, peaceful sleep.

So I've decided that my dad will never get off my back for anything. He will always make things as complicated as he can to make me wrong because I'm a child and he obviously knows more than me.


Anyways, on a less depressing note. I've developed a love. :] I've started loving to swim. Ever since I've started lifeguarding, I've slowly began to be more and more interested in swimming. So I've began to swim as much as I can and I love it. I went to the gym tonight and I ran. I've noticed that music, when it's all I hear, is a motivation. Soon my pace becomes the same as the rhythm of the song. It's pretty cool. Cause my more faster upbeat stuff is so much more fun to listen to! Sometimes I get so caught up that I just want to start dancing around the gym. But everyone there probably thinks I'm weird and that probably wouldn't do much for my reputation. :]

Anyways I think I'm going to get a gym membership when I get a car and go to the gym a few times during the week. I really love it. Mostly cause the gym has a pool. But yeah. :] I'll get Kara to come with me.

So I've decided to be more open about things. Try new things. I guess. lol Okay so maybe it wasn't a decision, but more like wishful thinking. :p I do that a lot though.

Anyways, a good week to you all. Goodnight. :]

So it's been a little while...

The days are counting down until the Lakota trip. My first mission trip ever. I'm leaving in 4 days. I'm so excited. :D :D

Anyways Today was father's day. Another painful holiday. I tried not to think about it. I felt bad though. I was going to call my dad and wish him a happy father's day, but I was hesitant cause he might have guilted me into coming home. I don't like to go home. :\ But yeah and what a father's day it was. I sat in the Gunter's living room while they all sang Happy father's day to the happy birthday song tune to Billy. I put in my two cents. :] That was my highlight of the day. :p

anyways. So blogging has lost some favor with me. People read my blog a little more than they used to so it's good and bad. I have tot be careful with what I say, but I can also get more opinions and feedback while I'm trying to form my own opinions.

Journaling is much easier, but you don't get feedback, which I value very much.


So I've experienced having a real job for a while now and I must say, it's nice, for a job. I've come to know my coworkers each of them on a bit of a personal level as well as having a good time with them, give or take a few. I'm probably thought of as the Christian girl amongst them. They use it against me sometimes too. And I'm not so sure it's a good thing to them. As soon as they learned my religious status, they categorized me. it's hard to get people to respect who you really are whenever they already think they know you.

It takes a little shake up from the rift
It takes a bit of wind to get you to lift
It takes sandstorms and signs from God
It takes a piece of grass floating on a breeze
It takes a plastic bag stuck up in a tree
It takes cold fronts and sackcloth skies
It takes leviathans down in the abyss
The hidden messages of the things that you missed
It takes mouthfuls of Niagara Falls

I hope everyone has a fabulous week. I know I will :]

I've been thinking about rights a lot lately. I am a human child. In my opinion every human child should have the right to safety and basic necessities...um education and things of that sort. Adults is a different story. They have to provide for themselves and their families unless they're not able for some reason that they can't do anything about, like health.

However I'm still trying to figure out what rights people have no matter who they are and what people deserve good and bad. I mean here's an example of what goes through my head... So let's try to find a basic right that everyone has, no strings attached. I'm sure every human has the right to life... but what if they've killed someone, do things change then? So if I can't even find out one basic right of everyone...this whole figuring out what people have a right to is going to be harder than I thought.

But there's a difference between what people have a right to and what they deserve. For instance, does every human have the right to a nice warm bed and 3 meals a day even if they're a bad person? God gives everyone their rights indirectly...but then it gets complicated when one infringes on another's rights. Because people can't always catch that...

I've just been thinking since I saw the Invisible Children video again, why are these people in Africa starving and suffering yet here in America we(and I say we because I'm included and I'm not preaching just being curious) act like we have some right to be comfortable and entertained all the time like we're some type of kings, when really, we're all sinners. So we're all sinners (starving or luxuriated) and the punishment of sin is death. Then we all deserve death technically but Christ came and died for us so that we can be saved...so I'm back to square one, what are our rights or do we even have any. Cause if we don't, then people talk about them an awful lot and people have some pretty wrong mindsets. But if we do and we have the right to be saved, first of all why? and second of all if we accept Christ do we then deserve to be saved? Or is it just something we receive? the Bible says "the gift of salvation" so if that's how it works we must not have any rights and everything we receive is a gift, that is something given to us that we really have no obligation to have. and if that's the case shouldn't we have a different perspective on things?

Most of this comes to mind because I have a hard time telling myself that I deserve things or even more, saying it out loud. But yeah, I'd like some opinions while I'm trying to form my own. :]


Everyone have a good week.

When you wake up it will be the beginning of the world and in the fields of this day, hear a song, hear a song.

680 days.
Not much huh?
Just a few more years.
I just want to be free.

Free from punishment for dumb things.
Free from guilt.
Free from this crap hole.
I just don't like it here much.

It's okay though. I think I can deal with it for a little while longer.

So I'm ready to have a car and a job.

I was dreading this summer cause I knew I'd just be working all the time, but I think I'm going to enjoy it. :]

Having money is a nice thing as well. Not that I'm going to have much, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Things are going good for me right now. I'm eager for things to come. and I'm looking at things in a positive light.

I can't wait to go see my mom. It won't be much longer, and I'll probably get to see my grandma as well. I really miss life back in Pennsylvania when we would just laugh and play all day. We would go visit my grandparents and my pappy would always spoil us with bags of candy. Everything seemed so simple. I remember it like it was an old film playing back. And although I don't remember many things I do remember being happy. I remember swinging on the swings across the road from our house and when my dad would tell us that he was going to push us all the way around the bar and we would get so scared. I remember the five trees my dad planted out in the front yard for shade. I remember sitting in my living room on a Saturday afternoon watching the cat lie in the sun. I remember playing kickball behind the trailers. Yeah I lived in a trailer park, but I was happier than any kid I could remember. I remember the field close to our house, where we found our cat. I remember a single tree in the middle of that field. I remember how pretty it was everywhere. I also remember leaving that place in a big moving truck. I want to go visit so badly. :]

Anyways.
I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the week. :]

Meow.

I've been praying for God to show me why one of my friends rejects religion.

And coincidentally he did. :]

I think people, me included, need to ask themselves why instead of judging people.

Anyways it was weird cause I've been trying to think of a way to bring up the subject but and couldn't really do it without it being really weird and awkward. But there was no need for me to worry about it, I should have had more faith. But anyways, the subject just kind of came up, and I wasn't even the one to bring it up. It was pretty awesome how God just made that happen.

Anyways, I found out that she's an even cooler person than I thought she was. She's way deeper that she makes herself out to be. It was cool how she put it. She said, "I have this image, but it's not fake. It's not like I'm one person but completely different when you get to know me. It's like I'm one person but not all of that person."

God works in amazing ways. and it's not like I saved her or anything. I just came to understand her so much better and it was pretty awesome.

Now I know how she feels about things. She even said she admires me and what I stand for and what I do, which I think is a really cool thing. She explained a lot that night and now it all makes sense. I think all I can do is keep trying to influence her.

I got to meet more of her family and just really get to know her better. Her grandparents are hilarious! Mine are pretty bitter and I thought it was just so cool. Her sense of humor def. comes from her Grandma.

Her little sister is adorable. She believes in fairies. :]

Anyways it's always good when you know reasons for actions.

It just makes more sense.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Shine, shine, shine on.

I went to two churches this morning. It was... interesting. It's weird to step out side your comfort zone for a while and experience what other people's lives are like sometimes.

Anyway today was Mother's Day.
I almost hate holidays cause they're usually stressful to me.
I don't have a normal family, if you could call it that at all.
Every holiday is celebrated differently for me.
There is people who have close families and their traditional ways of celebrating things. On holidays like this I almost feel more alone than ever.
I don't like to celebrate holidays with my family, cause they just do it because that's just what you do. That's just how things work here. It seems like they don't really think about why they do anything they do. When they pray before meals they have to clear their throats and put on their fake faces and say God, bless this food. But they don't even think about what they're saying.

I didn't really grow up in a good, strong, Christian environment.
Nothing seemed real and I was always really annoyed by it.
So like I said these holiday's mean more to me than any of my family so it's weird.

Today when we went to Victory Baptist. The preacher asked for everyone who had a good Christian mother growing up to raise their had. Nearly everyone in the room raised their hands. I didn't. But all around me there were hands.

I had to keep myself from bursting into tears and running out of the building crying. I didn't want that kind of attention from people who I didn't even know. And I had already cried during Dennis' sermon, which isn't normal cause Dennis' sermons aren't usually tear jerkers. :p

but yeah. I don't really have an actual mom around.

This is the part where I can relate to adopted kids who want to meet their real parents. lol
Michelle has been more of a mother to me than I have ever known, and the Gunter's have been an amazing family for me. I guess I just feel weird, I feel guilty for having them take care of me sometimes. I guess I've always been subconsciously searching for a home. :\

I'm pretty sure that the Gunter's and my church family is that home.

Anyways. I think that there's definitely been a lot of good to come out of this situation though. God can do amazing things like that.

For instance, I've gained the ability to recognize a good Christian family and that will make it easier for me to have my own family when I do.

It's brought me closer to God all in all and has made me who I am.

Anyways.
I hope everyone has a good week. :]

DISCOvery. Maybe that's where the word disco came from.

Sufjan Stevens is a true artist.
His music is beautiful.

I was checking out some of his music and was linked to this band.
The Innocence Mission

This lady's voice reminds me of Leslie Feist. Her music is beautiful though, too.

Anyways I thought I'd share my discovery. You all might not like it as much as I do, but I think it's cause it reminds me of my mom in a way.

9/11

So the for the past week, in government, Mrs. Johnson has been showing us this documentary on 9-11. Government is my first class of the day, and Thus, my day everyday for the past week has started with burning buildings, firefighters, and the reliving of the deaths of thousands of Americans.

When 9-11 actually took place, I was in the fourth grade. The teachers were all freaking out and running through the halls asking where the television sets were. Most of the teachers had frantically abandoned their classes. The students for the most part just sat there wondering what was going on. Finally, our teacher rolled in a stand with a TV on it.She turned in on. We watched.

I was about 10 years old. I honestly had no idea what the World Trade Centers were. I didn't even know what terrorists were. So when someone got it across to me that a terrorist had hijacked a plane into the world trade center, it really didn't make much sense. What I could get from watching it on TV was that a plane had flew into a building. Honestly, my first thoughts were, "okay...what's the big deal? A plane hit a building, I'm sure that happens all the time." In time I came to realize how big of a tragedy it really was.

Mrs. Johnson turned off the TV. Silence filled the room. "So what do you all think?" she asked us. Silence.

You can't answer that question very easily.

So this week has been a mournful type of week. It's really awful to see what this world has come to.

One of the firefighters in the film said something like, "I have two options: to be a firefighter or to go serve in the Navy. I would rather save lives than take them, but after witnessing that...I'd go."

I just made me realize how many lives were taken because of this stupid thing. Not only of the people in the towers when they were hit, but of the people trying to save them, and of the people who fought in the war caused by this.

Yeah. I just thought I'd share my thoughts on that.

Everyone have a good rest of the week.

consistency

I feel like I've been severely beaten and then people get mad at me cause I'm not doing everything that I should be.

I feel like I am pathetic. I really do though. And now that I am I don't want to be anymore.

I want to be strong independent and free.

Seriously those words all seemed silly to me before. Now they hit me hard in the chest and fill my lungs. I want this. But the only thing that earns this is time. And I'm sorry for as long as I upset people for it. I really am I wish I could be better for half of you.


Senior Wills came out in the newspaper today. Kayla left me all of her sisterly love. I'm really going to need it though. When I read that, I seriously almost lost it. I remember growing up with her. I always had this stupid thought that I was better than her and I told her all the time that when we were older she would show up at my doorstep asking for money. I only told her this when I was mad at her though. And as messed up as it was, I probably really believed it. I feel like now it's going to be the other way around. She's moving out this summer. It's going to be weird being home with her gone to be completely honest. I'm going to miss her a lot. So I have the slightest feeling that when I get a license and hopefully a car in August, I'll be paying her a few visits in Chattanooga. I don't think I'll be begging for money though. lol

Anyways Cody left me his organization skills. haha I got to thinking about it later on that day and I realized that I'll probably need his organization skills bad especially next year. My whole life is an unorganized mess. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is consistent. It gets kind of annoying at times. Actually all the time. My eating habits aren't consistent, my exercising habits aren't consistent either. My caffeine intake is definitely not consistent. My sleeping habits aren't consistent. I don't do anything everyday except write in my journal. So yeah. I almost just wish I had my own little apartment with just a little bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. That's all I want. I want to just not be dependent for once. I don't want that dang guilt hanging over my shoulders. It's discouraging.

anyways I need to get to bed gah.

Goodnight everyone.
Have a nice consistent week.

I lost my name in a war

So I got a journal, finally.
It's got 400 pages in it. So I'm happy for a long while.

In the midst of everything that's been going on lately I think I've mixed up some of my priorities.

Today I opened a jar. A jar that smelt of salt water and clay flowers. The walls began blossoming with details. The ceiling grew vines and flowers. Below me was a sea of people far enough away to look like bugs squirming around anxiously. We were all staring in one direction. There was excitement stirring all around. Stars appeared in front of us and began to make music like angels. I'd like to believe that all of the people were opening jars, like me, in response to the beautiful stories. I drew pictures in my mind with curling lines. I couldn't believe my eyes, but they had never lied to me before, so I trusted them. Everyone trusts their eyes. But I closed them to put something in this jar that I am opening today. I did it just for this reason. So that I could open it later and empower myself with mood-changing abilities. The sounds and stories appeased me. Like remembering an old grandfather that I never got to know. And he sings, "you're the prettiest song I've heard in a while." And I caught it like she did with Ivan in that book I always used to read. And maybe I've come to be too in touch with this world. And after telling myself to get my head out of the clouds for so long, I almost regret it. I'd like to go back up there and visit my friends.

I know that nobody understood that, and well, that was kind of my idea. I haven't written like this in a dog's age and I needed it. It's refreshing and I'm not sure why. I guess it's just one of the mysteries of why God made me the way he did.

705 days.

Well someone told me the other day that someone looked up to me.
It made me happy. It was also very encouraging.
It made me feel like me trying to be who I am is really worth it.
Anyways. The girl who looks up to me, I look up to her to. She's younger than me but I don't think that matters. Anyone can influence anyone. I think that everyone thinks differently. I believe that everyone is different based on what they've been through and how God created them to react and how to take things. Through that we can open new doors to how others think. People are something that really show me how amazing God is. He is an artist. The most amazing one ever. Because honestly all the art in the world is derived from him, from how he created each artist to think and the things they've experienced and the good that God has brought out of every situation in their lives.

Today God helped reassure me that everything will be okay. I sometimes forget that and need a reminder. Today was one of those reminding days.


Today I ate 4 dough nuts, 4 cupcakes, and 2 cookies. I'll regret that later. :p

Anyways I hope everyone looks at things positively this week!

I'm a cat.

And I'm getting to know myself better lately.


So I'm reading this book Mara lent me called Girl Soldier and I've never realized how much crap was going on in the world. This stuff has been going on all of my life.

I really want people to know about all of this
but you can't exactly just walk up to someone and have a nice conversation with them about things like this.


Kara is a pirate.
Just ask her.


710 days. :]

.

I was talking to Seth this morning over breakfast or lack thereof. And he said that he wished that he could fast forward the world.

I definitely feel like that right now.

I want to fast forward.
Pretty far forward too.
Maybe 711 days from now

Yeah I counted down the days.
Is that messed up?
well I really don't care.

I'm ready to have my freedom.
I'm sick of being imprisoned.
I know I can't do certain things because of it too.

Mom

So I'm going to talk about something I haven't talked about in a while. My mom. I think maybe that's why I've been so angry lately. I try to pretend like nothing ever happened and I'm just fine, but something did happen and I'm not fine.

My mom is getting better. It makes me so happy, but it makes me want to see her even more than I already did. My mother is alive again. That's how this feels to me. For a while there it felt like she died. She wasn't herself. She was this overemotional wreck because of freaking alcohol and drugs. She turned into someone that I never knew, someone that I never wanted to know. She's coming back now though. I don't know why or how. Maybe it took her hitting rock bottom to change her. I didn't think she was ever going to come back, but she is! It's a lot to feel. It's kind of overwhelming. I've been crying a lot because of it. It's kind of weird too, cause I don't think I really know why I'm crying besides that I miss her. It reminds me of the boy on the invisible children video that cries because he misses his brother who was kidnapped. He didn't know if his brother was dead or alive at that point.


I talked to my Grandma Rose the other day. I really want to see her. She really is an amazing woman. She sits in front of the television and watches the world go to waste. But she has hope. She has faith and she prays. She prays everyday. And she still values little things. I feel like my mom and my grandma are the only two people in my family that I can relate to on a spiritual scale. And my spirituality is who I am, so they're really the only people I can relate to at all.

Anyways. My mom is taking classes. I think they're some type of alcohol anonymous classes or something of the sort. But she's getting better. I can tell just by talking to her.

Yup she's turning into my mom again. She says she worries about me a lot. She says she watches the news a lot. It reminds me of my grandma. Mom says she sees all of these awful things about girls my age getting kidnapped, raped, beaten, and killed. She says it reminds her of what happened to Tracy. Tracy was my mom's cousin and as a kid, one of my mom's best friends. She was taken as a girl and raped and killed. I think she was 16, but I'm not sure. But yeah my mom's been worrying.


So hopefully I can get my license in mid-August and get a car soon afterward. I'm basically hired as a lifeguard this summer, I just have to pass a class in May and I've got it. My mom is going to be my inspiration. But yeah After I get a car and my license, my first trip will be to Pennsylvania. Hopefully I can go up there Labor Day weekend. I hope Kara or someone will come with me. Maybe I'll be on my own for once. That might be nice too. So yeah I'm ready for next year to start.

Anyways. Things are looking up.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. :]

Sigh.

You know that feeling where you've always known one thing and then it randomly sinks in?

That happened to me today. I've realized that if I want something I need to sacrifice some things for them, like anything in life. But Yeah I think I might try a little harder with some things. Cause it's cool when people say things that are good, but when they actually do them, then it's so much cooler not to mention really inspiring.

I mean sometimes when I get stressed out about something like school or money I think to myself about God and how much more he matters than any of those things. God is life and if I'm not taking that as seriously as I should and I know it, how can I call myself a Christian. If I choose something over him, how can I say that I really believe in him and in what the bible says?

Anyways I know some people are probably thinking that I should have made this decision a LONG time ago, but I don't care what people think.

I'm going to try to make focusing on God and I mean REALLY focusing on God a habit.

I just need to keep my head on straighter than I normally do.

Man, God is so much deeper than people perceive. I think a lot of people just look at him as the good guy. And he is, bt he is so much more than that.

Anyways I need to go to bed.
So I hope everyone has a good rest of the week!

Indiscribeable bonding.

So I've noticed in our youth group and among other people the bonds that we share.

Some of my friends I've just recently started to feel the effects of our friendships.

Things have been kind of crazy lately. Mostly busy.
Because the kids in our youth group have been sacrificing themselves. Their time and money. Their lives. They've been striving to make a difference even if they didn't realize that was what they were doing. This is going to be something really big. Things have been changing and I'm very happy about it. I think we all needed a change. And whether we know it or not it's changing us to. It's making us stronger as a group and as individuals.



Nothing can express my excitement about this. I've been so ready for this to happen. This go along with some things that are happening in my life right now. This is real. This is actually influencing real people. Changing real people and real things. Stopping things and starting things. Not just acknowledging them or speaking of them but matching faith and action. Living for God.


Anyways I think we're causing a lot of changes in heart. I think we're encouraging people and making them think. We're making them notice and we're not stopping at that. We're charging full speed ahead into something that will require a lot of time, work, and God to get us through. We've been fortunate thus far about how things have turned out. But I think God is on our side. And that's our biggest support beam.


I've been gaining a lot of love and knowledge from kids lately. Here's something Seth told Kara and I tonight. :]


He said, "When you have a bad day and the rain is on your head, when a dog pukes on your carpet and your head gets chopped off, you gotta freak out!"

And I couldn't have said it better myself. :]

Have an amazing week everyone!

To understand.

Today was a day of understanding.

I understand that most people don't know what they're doing.
And I'm trying my hardest to respect that, because I sometimes don't know what I'm doing either.

Anyways I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do when I grow up. Well I mean I already know what I'm going to do, but I want to do a lot of things.

I want to be a missionary. Mostly because God is the only thing worth living for. AND because I want to make a significant difference in the life of people who are grateful and who don't know about God.

I also want to adopt kids. But it makes me think that when I get done with my missions work or when I come back home, I would be too old to start a family... So I have no idea what God has in store for me there. :\

But yeah maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself.